XX - Adult Puns!

When a horse playing golfer named Trey
Goosed a girl in the rough one fine day
He found her, though willing,
Just barely fulfilling,
"I would rate her," said Trey, "a par lay."

Masturbation is like procrastination,
it's all good and fun until you realize you are only f**king yourself.

Peter and Alfred Nussbaum were tailors and partners in the firm
Nussbaum Brothers; and after many years they decided to Anglicize
their names and henceforth the firm should be known as the Nuss
Brothers.
After completing the legal paperwork, they informed the receptionist,
Ethel, that from Monday on, she should answer the phone as "Nuss
Brothers."
"I quit," said Ethel.
"But why?", asked Peter, "the pay and benefits will be the same!"
"Yeah? Well YOU answer the phone then. I don't want to answer and find
that the caller says he wants to speak with Mr. Nuss. Then, I have to
say, "Yes Sir; which one? P-Nuss or A-Nuss?"

A guy from West Virginia passed away and left his entire estate to his
beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

A man returned from a very fancy hospital and was telling his friend
all about his experience.
"The hospital I was in was very specialized.
They had a food nurse who gave you food.
They had a drug nurse who gave you drugs.
They had a coffee nurse who gave you coffee.
Then there was the head nurse..."

A botany student has brought to our attention the fact that the penis
is the only thing that has to be grown before it is planted.

I had just finished delivering the mail when the resident of Apartment
16 can running after me angrily waving an envelope in the air.
He said,
"Look at this letter. It is addressed to 'Animal Lover!'"
I said,
"So?"
"So? How in hell do these people know about my sexual preferences?"

Here is the definition of divorce.
She gets the ring and the man gets the finger!

A resident was describing the circumstance leading to a subarachnoid
haemorrhage, and dictated that the patient had lost consciousness
"while making love to his paramour."
The transcriptionist sent back a discharge summary indicating that the
patient became ill "while making love to his power mower.

College is like a woman;
You work so hard to get in and nine months later you wish you'd never come.

This guy comes back home from work to find his wife has left him a note,
"Off to the grocery store".
He hasn't been getting any from her,
So, he decides this is his chance and goes to the video store to rent
a porn flick.
He puts the video in, and starts masturbating.
He's about to climax when all of a sudden his wife comes in, drops her
grocery bags, runs over and gives him the blow job of his life.
Then she collects all the bags and goes to the kitchen
The guy is sitting there, stunned, amazed at what just happened.
After a couple of minutes he regroups and goes to the kitchen where he
finds his wife chopping tomatoes.
He asks her:
"We haven't had sex for over five years and all of a sudden you come
in. What happened?"
His wife replied:
"I just washed the floor this morning. I would rather go brush my
teeth than to have to clean the floor again."

Constipated people don't give a shit