Jokes, Quips and Funstuff .....www.jokehaus.com: 2011

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Jumping on the bed

A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing
with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks,
"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?,
What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says,
"I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says
I have the breasts of an 18 year-old".
The husband said,
"What did he say about your 60 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.

(Men . . . They just never know when to shut up, do they?)

Who's the boss

The Boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he
wasn't getting any respect.

The next day, he brought a small sign that read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had
taped a note to the sign that said: -

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting
senile.Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not
senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip
down.'

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but
then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw
that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Social Networking

Teacher: Wer is ur homework?
Boy: Madam, plz check in FACEBOOK. I have uploaded a copy of it &
tagged you......

Gal 2 her brother: Wat r u gng to gift grandma on her bday?
Boy: Football
Gal: But grandma doesnt play football?
Boy: On my bday she gav me books...

UKG Kid: Dad can v go to McDonald today.
Dad: ya but only when u spell McDonald correctly.
Kid thought for a moment & said, k forget it dad let's go to KFC

Teacher to kid: Write a note on Srilanka.
Kid wrote: Its a country whose map cums free along with d India map.

A drunk guy falls from 1st floor.
People gathered around n asked him wat happend?
He said... "I dont knw, I also came down Just now..!!"

Sunday, December 25, 2011

A "Touching" Christmas Story

A married couple had been out shopping in a mall for the day.
Suddenly, the wife realized her husband had disappeared.

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded,
"Where the hell are you?"

Husband: "Darling you remember that Jewelery shop where you saw the
Diamond Necklace and fell in love with it and I didn't have money that
time and said Baby it'll be yours one day."

Wife, with a smile blushing: "Yes, I remember that my Love."

Husband: "Well, I'm in the Bar next to that shop."

CREATION 1. 1

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated
the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and

red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then, using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream
and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with

that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at
it, add some sprinkles." And they both gained 10 pounds each. And

Satan smiled.

And it came to pass thet God created the healthful yogurt that Woman
might keep her figure that Man found so curvy and appealing. And

Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the
cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented
Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the
side.

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil
in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and

chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained
more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food
Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and
named

it "Devil's Food Cake."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose
those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so

Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman
laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the

starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its

99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is

good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Friday, December 23, 2011

XX - Sydney (Australia) Radio Competition

This got the whole of Sydney laughing....
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
Many Sydney folks heard this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney .

The DJs play a game called 'Mate Match'. The DJ calls someone at work
and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the
contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly
personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with
(phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same
three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
The Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter and is possibly
the funniest thing you've heard yet .

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'

Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'

DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast
if you win. What is your name? First only please.'

Contestant: 'Brian.'

DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'

Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'

DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'

Brian: 'Sara.'

DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'

Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'

DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'

DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had s*x?'

Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'

DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'

Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'

DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, h! uh? No one would ever have
said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'

DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have s*x at 8 o'clock this =morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'

DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'

Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us
for couple of weeks...'

DJ: 'Uh huh...'

Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'

DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his
wife's work number and call her up.

You listen to this.' [ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch tones......ringing...)

Clerk: 'Kinkos.'

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'

DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now
and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
give any..answers away or you'll lose.Sooooooo... Do you know the
rules of 'Mate Match'?'

Sarah: 'No.'

DJ: 'Good!'

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest..'

DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If
your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off
to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'All right. When did you last have s*x, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'

DJ: 'What time?'

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

DJ: 'Very ! good. Nex! t question. How long did it last?'

Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect
his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question
away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Where did you have it?'

Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'

Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'

DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Well...'

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to
have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was
an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this
conversation , for minor traffic collisions.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Working late Night!

One dark night two men were walking home after a party and decided to
take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a
tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel,
chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You
scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! What are you
doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

The Singing Parrot...

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking
for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a
parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This
seemed like the perfect gift.

"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop
owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet
began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then
held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune
changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran
home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw
her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."

So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's
left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle
Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's
right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold
the lighter between his legs?"

The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his
wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his
face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like
it was the performance of his life:

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

Jewish Modesty

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion
after a dinner.

Catholic: "I have a large fortune....I am going to buy Citibank!"

Protestant:"I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!"

Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince.... I intend to purchase Microsoft!"

They then all wait for the Jew to speak...

The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes
a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:
"I'm not selling..."

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness
But
Its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes
Than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy
But
Remember the bastard's name.....

3. Help someone when they are in trouble
And
They will remember you
When they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only
Because
it's illegal to shoot them...

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems,
But
Then again,
Neither does milk.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

: When I was 10 -

Rubber meant eraser,

Ass meant donkey,

Gay meant happy,

Straight meant linear,

Making out meant 'logical detection',

Cock meant rooster,

Pussy meant cat,

Stag meant a male deer,

Prick meant a jab,

Poke meant a nudge,

Chick meant a baby hen,

Screw meant a carpenter's implement

And

A Tit was always for Tat!!

Damn! -

English has changed so much!!!

Monday, December 19, 2011

Whose fault..not mine

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped

At a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly
Left her glasses on the table, and she didn't
Miss them until they had been driving for
About forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they
Had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around,
In order to return to the restaurant to
Retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband
Became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded
His wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her,
The more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her
glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

While you're in there, you might as well
Get my hat and the
Credit card.

This coming week is National Senior Mental
Health Week. You can do YOUR part by
Remembering to contact at least one unstable Senior to show you care.

I have now done MY part.

Learning From Kids

For those with no children -
This is totally hysterical.

For those who already have children past this age,
This is hilarious.

For those who have children this age,
This is not funny.

For those who have children nearing this age,
This is a warning.

For those who have not yet had children,
This is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest)...

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. Ft.
House, 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a
Superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint
on all Four walls of a 20x20 ft. Room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few
times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh" it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still
can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCRs do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials
show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not
like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

25. Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or
without kids.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

It's always a Sri Lankan Brain

Mathematician: How do you write 4 in between 5?

Chinese : Is this a joke?

Japanese : Impossible!

American : The question's all wrong!

British : It's not found on the Internet

And the Sri Lanka .......................................................

...................................................................

............................................. f(iv)e

Thursday, December 15, 2011

XXX - A Quick Adult Poem

I have a little poem,
I'll try to make it quick;
The subject is quite simple:
The joy of owning dick.

A penis is a splendid thing;
You ladies should be jealous.
An organ with such lovely skin,
It's smooth and mostly hairless.

It starts to grow so quickly
When a guy's about thirteen,
His testicles on either side,
His willy in between.

It dangles neatly down below;
it's softly warm and loyal.
But at the slightest hint of lust,
it's ready to uncoil.

It seems to have a mind all of its own;
it's like an untamed beast,
It squirms and writhes and stretches out,
Just when you 'spect it least.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves,
Erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off,
And then I wish it wouldn't.

During summer, wearing little,
Sunning on the beach,
A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums
Will make it squirm and reach.

But handle it with love and care,
For it will give great pleasure.
I often check if it has grown -
Now when did I last measure?

Some men will fret about their size:
They give it lots of thought;
Is seven inches long enough?
It makes them quite distraught.

They sneak a look in toilets,
Wondering what they'll see,
But if another glances back at them,
there's no way they can pee!

Masturbating is a sin -
At least some folks believe.
That's just some old wives' tale,
'cause it really can relieve.
Without this super organ,
No shag would be complete.
Lesbians can try their best,
But must admit defeat.

It has some splendid functions,
I'm sure you will agree:
To start a whole new life,
And more than that - to pee!

But what seems most amazing
About my one-eyed flute,
Whatever it is doing,
It knows which juice to shoot.

And better yet, it stays with one,
Until one's old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though,
Or you'll be thrown in jail.

Cardiologist's Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very
Elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
Service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following
The eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.The heart
Then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.. When
All eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking
Of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist.

The vicar fainted.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Some places I have and have not been...

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.

Apparently, you can't go alone.

You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito.

I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane.

They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.

I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions,

But you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt.

That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes, I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense!

It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!

At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

I have been in Deep-shit many times; the older I get, the easier it is
to get there.

XXX: NEVER ENOUGH

"Doc, I've got this problem" the man says. "My secretary, she loves to
give blow jobs.

Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a
quick one before I leave for lunch.

And before I leave work at the end of the day, she really works me over."

"So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac" the man continued.

"I service her every morning when we get up.

I go home for a quick half hour every day at lunchtime and then we
have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep."

"I still don't know what your problem is" said the doctor.

"Well, every time I masturbate, I get these dizzy spells."

Things That May Sound Dirty , But Are Not

* Top Ten Things that sound dirty,
But are not, in a LAW firm:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge.

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offence?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't

1. Think you can get me off?

* Top Ten Things that sound dirty,
But are not, in the OFFICE:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box.

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!

5. HMMM, I think it's out of fluid!

4. My equipment is so old; it takes forever to finish.

3. It's an entry-level position.

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office isn't

1 It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!

* Top Ten Things that sound dirty,
But are not, at GOLF:

10.Damn, my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip!

2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't

1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first!

Monday, December 12, 2011

The office Christmas Party (starts lame but end is great)

Christmas Party Company Memo
Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 1, 2011

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room
at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to
sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as
Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of
gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift
should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's
pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 2, 2011

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to
those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas
tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of
music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 3, 2011

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed
to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed
since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the
executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 4, 2011

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate
our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the party or else package
everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will
that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit
with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks
that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns
about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in
the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood
pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but
the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*%^ing Employees

DATE: October 5, 2011

RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a
rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!

Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 6, 2011

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party
and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

XX - Onions and X-mas Tree

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,

'Dad, how many
kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three
kinds of boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but
hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man
goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree,
mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but
reliable. After his
60's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.

TO ALL MY EMAIL BUDDIES

As we progress through to the year 2012, I want to thank all of you
for your educational e-mails over the past year 2011. I am totally
screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have
the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about
the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because
the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the
floor of a public restroom..

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat
poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge
with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full
of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a
serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me
for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle
infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica ,
Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ...

I no longer buy cookies from Woolies since I now have their recipe..

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black
snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when
it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $2 coin dropped
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00
p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest
your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur
because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician
. .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their
e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told
by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

NOW YOU ALL HAVE YOURSELVES A VERY GOOD DAY...AND A HEALTHY LIFE

Thursday, December 08, 2011

Aphorisms

1. The nicest thing about the future is .. . .. that it always starts
tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag
his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any
sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark
to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important . . . because they demonstrate
how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else
looks?

9. Scratch a cat . . . and you will have a permanent job..

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants
to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4
a.m. - like, it could be the right number.

13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.

15. Be careful about reading the fine print .. . . There's no way you're
going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same
size bucket.

17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old
ladies running around with tattoos in strange places? (And rap
music will be the Golden Oldies!) (How about in 5 years?)

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable
to cry in a Cadillac than in a Yugo.

19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably
dead.

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind .....
and the ones that mind don't matter.

21. Life isn't tied with a bow . . .. but it's still a gift.

CAN HEAR YOU LAUGHING!

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the
house with his finger.
His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but
the boy continues.
"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something.
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store...
He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it..
Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets a diarrhea run.
She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's
seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She
calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the
situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine
everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his
knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out
his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The
balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is
the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"

You're laughing aren't you
...I know you are!!!

Oh, those West Indians

A Trinidadian, a Jamaican, a Barbadian and a Grenadian went to New York
for the Labor Day weekend. To save money, they decided to sleep two to
a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl, the Trinidadian, because he
snored so loudly. They decided it wasn't fair for the same person to
stay with Daryl every night, so they voted to take turns.

The Grenadian slept with Daryl on the first night and came to
breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all
bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you?'

He said, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all
night.

The next night it was the Barbadian's turn. In the morning, he arrived for
breakfast with hair all disheveled, eyes all blood-shot. They said,
'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'

He said, 'Man, that Daryl! He shakes the roof. I watched him all night.

The third night was the Jamaican's turn. Blacka was a big burly
Dread from Tivoli . The next morning he came to breakfast
bright-eyed and chipper.

'Good morning,' he said. The others couldn't believe it! They said,
'Man, what happened?'

He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed
and kissed him good night - said 'nite nite darling'... He sat up and
watched me all night long.

Saturday, December 03, 2011

Jewish Christmas

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas
time? Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve
brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we
come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up
our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father
Christmas to come with all our toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at
Christmas?" Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with
Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put
cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We
hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave
him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you
do at Christmas?" Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year;
Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into Dads Rolls Royce and
drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at the empty
warehouse, and begin to sing, 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus'. Then
we all go to the Bahamas on Dads Yacht."

Friday, December 02, 2011

XX - HAPPY BIRTH DAY

An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth! He spoke to his
toes. "Hello toes!" he said. "How are you? You know, you are 92 Today.
Oh the times we've had! Remember we walked on the park in the summer
every Sunday Afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance Floor? Happy
Birthday toes!

"Hello, knees," he continued. "How are you? You know you're 92 today.
Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh,
the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees.
"Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie !! You little
bugger. Just think. If you were alive today, you'd be 92 !!!!

Good Bad and Ugly ;

1st Case-
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer!

2nd Case-
Good:Your son is finally maturing.
Bad:He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: so are you!

3rd Case-
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad:you find porn there.
Ugly: You're in it.

4th Case-
Good: Your wife and you agree to no more kids.
Bad: She cant find her birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 15 year old daughter has them!

5th Case-
Good: you start telling your children about sex as they're getting old.
Bad:They keep interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections!!

Thursday, December 01, 2011

The Postman

One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on
his usual route, delivering the mail.

As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were
still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a
load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,'
the Postman comments.

David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday
night.This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday
morning.We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for
some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.

We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time
covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a
hole in the sheet.

Then the women try to guess who it is..'

The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded.

'Your name came up 7 times.'

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Substitute Sindhi for any other ethnicity...same deal.

A wealthy Sindhi parked his brand new Porsche Carrera at the front of
the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck came along too close to the kerb and completely
tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was
close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his
lights flashing.

But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the Sindhi
started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had
just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would
never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it
new again.

After the Sindhi finally calmed down a bit, the cop shook his head in
disgust, disbelief and wonder "I can't believe how materialistic you
Sindhis are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that
you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the Sindhi.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is
missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the Sindhi. "MY ROLEX!"

Monday, November 28, 2011

Excuse notes to teachers from parents

These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school
District .

Spellings have been left intact......

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today.
Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30,
31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from p.e. For a few days. Yesterday he fell
out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered
by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She
Had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday.. He had diarrhea,
and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping
because I don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to
get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. We
thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent
a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and
could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever,
Sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick,
fever an sore throat , her brother had a low grade fever and ached all
over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever.
There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

John's Last Wish

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last

request, Dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Joe."

"But I thought you hated Joe," she said.

With his last breath, John said, "I do!"

WHAT Is a Faux Pas ??

One day, Bertie Wooster decided to read a book.
On the very first page he came across an unfamiliar word. So he called
out to Jeeves.
"Jeeves, what is this 'fox pass'?"
"This what, sir?"
"'Fox pass', Jeeves."
"Oh, that would be 'faux pas', sir."
"Yes, dash it, whatever."
"Well sir, let me explain it this way. Do you remember last weekend
when Miss Plushbottom came to stay for the weekend?"
"Yes."
"And do you remember how on Sunday morning you pricked your finger on a rose?"
"Yes."
"And do you remember how, later, at breakfast, Miss Plushbottom asked:

'Is your prick still throbbing, Bertie?', and you dropped a pot of marmalade?"
"Yes, Jeeves"

"Well, that, sir, was a faux pas"

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

XXX Pussy Green - XXX

An Irishman went to Confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last
confession. I had sex with Pussy Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three
Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father,
it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with
Pussy Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Pussy Green?'

'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest.. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.

At mass the next Christmas morning, as the priest prepared to deliver
the sermon, a tall, Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous woman entered the
sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she
slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the
priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching,
shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress
and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but
just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered,

'Is that Pussy Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,

'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

'Hind Lick Maneuver'

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant down south. While having a bite
to eat, they talked about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins
to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya
swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down
her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his
tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know,

I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed
nobody do it!'

Monday, November 21, 2011

Oldies - HOW TO START A FIGHT...

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else
to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer..
Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a
clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone
only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I
said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I
told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........
_______________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

XX - wrong answer by a young lady

A young lady got kicked out of math class one day.
The teacher asked 'what comes after 69'?
Apparently 'mouthwash' was the wrong answer...........

Friday, November 18, 2011

Jokes to take you through the week...

MONDAY

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was
having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the
mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

TUESDAY

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned
fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'

WEDNESDAY

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather
small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed
him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large
stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed, 'for me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

THURSDAY

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her
92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and
ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment,
killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of
murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defence.

'Your Honour,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could
screw, he could fly.'

FRIDAY

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we
put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting
here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach
lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the
most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can
anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and
suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

SATURDAY

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country
Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old
blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful
sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently
to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the
very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the
trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They
are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to
marry you?' 'I lied about my age,' Bob replies. 'What, did you tell
her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

SUNDAY

Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Holland. As
they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the
process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She
showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when
they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America
with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'

Friday, November 11, 2011

Why Indian's are Reborn.

The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said: 'I have to talk to you.

We have some Indians up here in heaven and they are causing problems.

They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are
wearing Dolce and Gabana sarees instead of their white robes,

they are riding Mercedes and BMWs instead of the chariots, and they're
selling their halos to people for discounted prices.

They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear or clean, since they
keep crouching down midway eating samosas and drinking chai (tea).
Some of them are even walking around with just one wing !

They do not believe in discipline and push their way through the line.'

The Lord said, 'Indians are Indians. Heaven is home to all my
children. If you want to know about real problems, give Satan a call.'

Satan answered the phone, 'Hello? Damn, hold on a minute.' Satan
returned to the phone, 'OK I'm back. What can I do for you?'

Gabriel replied, 'I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're
having down there.'

Satan says, 'Hold on again. I need to check on something.'

After about 5 minutes Satan returns to the phone and said, 'I'm back.
Now what was the question?'

Gabriel said, 'What kind of problems are you having down there?'

Satan says, 'Man I don't believe this .. Hold on.'

This time Satan was gone at least 15 minutes. He returned and said,
"I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. These Indians are trying
to install air conditioning and making hell a comfortable place to
live in by putting out the fire, which is there to keep them
uncomfortably hot!!Since they are so tech savvy, they were trying to
start a telephone and IT connection between heaven and hell between ME
and GOD.They have started a socal network service for the troubled and
believe in Karma and are good in convincing others.

Some were trying to start a chai - pakora, Chole batura, channa, Dosa
and samosa, barfi, Chakli and Dokla shop, which I had to stop.

Many have no trouble living in dirt as they are so used to it down on
earth. We have shortage of toilets to make them uncomfortable as this
is Hell, but they have no problems in doing everything outside in
open.

They are excellent in corrupting everyone and my staff are being
bribed by them and I have difficulty in controlling the graft and
corruption in Hell.

They never complain as this place seems to be better from where they
came. I am having such a hard time controlling and dealing with them!!
I am therefore requesting you

OH LORD, PLEASE send them back to earth as soon as they arrive for re-birth".

So this is why Indians are the only ones that are re-born !

SPECIAL EDITION: PUNS INTENDED!

1.The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
But it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker,
But he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class,
Because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope,
It'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
And was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France
Would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center
Said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from
Prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and
Pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary,
They got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris ,
You'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says,
I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that
You can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
During a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Take time to ponder this - from ANDY ROONEY.

I've learned....That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of
an elderly person.

I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned....That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my
day!' makes my day.

I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one
of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have
the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires,
everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold
and a heart to understand.

I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on
summer nights when I was a child, did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer
it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us
everything we ask for.

I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life
so spectacular.

I've learned.... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants
to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are
only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned.... That the way for me to grow as a person is to
surround myself with smarter people than I am.

I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned…. That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned.... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take
the ones you miss.

I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock
elsewhere.

I've learned.... That I wish I told my Mom that I love her one more
time before she passed away.

I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender,
because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your
little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain,
but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more
things I get done.

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Glasgow Policeman

A Glasgow policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car

He radios for backup.

"What's the situation?" base controller asks.

Officer answers,"There's a big fat darkie dancing on a car roof."

"You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator,

"You have to use the politically correct terminology"*

"AYE! OK" he says:

"Zulu....Tango....Sierra"

Seniors Exercise jokes

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
…Now he's 97 years old
and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 250 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country running,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine…and even feel better

Sunday, November 06, 2011

Indian Signs

Notices in English for tourists in Gujarat-India

In an Ahmedabad Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please.. If you are not a person to
do such thing is please not to read this notice.

In a Surat hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret
that you will be unbearable.

In the elevator in Hotel Tex Pallazo, Surat :
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should
enter more persons, ea ch one should press a number of wishing floor.
Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Baroda hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Jamnagar :
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9
and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Ahmedabad hotel near Gujarat College
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

Edwards Laundry on Relief Road, Ahmedabad:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

In a Bhavnagar hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex
in the bedroom, it is rekvested that the lobby be used for this
purpose.

In a Anand laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a heritage hotel at Junagadh:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides (on the famous white asses) in Rann of Kutch :
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a 5-Star Hotel cocktail lounge in Ahmedabad:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In the office of a Ahmedabad gynecologist:
Specialist in women and other diseases

In a Bharuch hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

Every saint has a PAST...Every sinner has a FUTURE!

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Amjad Haseeb <amjad_haseeb@yahoo.co.uk>
Date: Sat, Nov 5, 2011 at 3:21 AM
Subject: Re: Every saint has a PAST...Every sinner has a FUTURE!
To: Rifky Mackeen <rifkyn@gmail.com>

Thanks for making it suitable for all.
Amjad.
I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp--
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics, the drug users and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbour who never said anything nice.
Joe , who I always thought was rotting away in hell,
was sitting pretty on cloud nine, looking incredibly well.

I nudged the Angel of Death , 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
Can it be a mistake?

'And why is everyone so quiet,
So somber - give me a clue.'

'Hush, child,' he said, 'they're all in shock.

No one thought they'd be seeing you..'

JUDGE NOT!!

Remember...Just going to a place of worship doesn't make you more
pious any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.

Love-Making Tips For Seniors!

1.
Wear your glasses.
TO make sure your partner
is actually in the bed.

2.
Set timer for 3 minutes,
In case you doze off
in the middle of the session.

3.
Set the mood with lighting.
(Turn them ALL OFF!)

4.
Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial
before you begin.

5.
Write partner's name on your hand
in case you can't remember.

6.
Use extra polygrip so your teeth
don't end up under the bed.

7.
Have Tylenol ready
in case you actually complete the act.

8.
Make all the noise you want...
The neighbors are deaf too.

9.
If it works,
call everyone you know
with the good news!!

10.
Don't even think about trying it twice...
__________________________________

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says,
'Let's go upstairs And make love,' and
you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
And you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need
to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky'
means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure if these are facts or jokes?
_____________________________________________________

XX Medical Insurance

Two men are at the Dr's,waiting to get vasectomies.

A nurse breezes in,tells them to strip and put-on the medical gowns

She returns a few minutes later,reaches under one man's gown and
begins to masturbate him.

Shocked, he asks, "What the hell are you doing?"

She saya as a matter of fact,"We have to vacate the sperm from your
system to have a clean procedure."

Not wanting to cause a problem, the man relaxes and enjoys it as she
completes her task.

The second man watches bewildered and by the time the nurse turns to
him,he is quite ready for his turn.

To his surprise, she drops to her knees, seductively parts her lips
and begins a blow-job.

The first guy,somewhat let-down,demands to know "Hey,why only a hand
job for me and a blow-jog for him?"

The nurse says, "That, my dear sir, is the difference between public
healthcare and private medical insurance coverage"

Thursday, November 03, 2011

Kids will be kids but take care when you are with them in public

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby
sister... After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one
for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she
was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't
remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to
six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so
much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom
window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried
in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her
Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for
her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know
it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please
don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked
what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with
this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked
his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then
asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his
wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked:
'What happened to the flea?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget....

This particular Sunday sermon... 'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with
arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
'Without you, we are but dust....' He would have continued but at that
moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me
and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice,
'Mom, what is butt dust?'

Monday, October 31, 2011

The last wish of a cuban Patriot Kissing Fidel goodbye.......

A group of Cubans desert their island and are on their way to Miami. In the
middle of their arduous journey, one of the Cubans (an old one) suffers a
major heart attack and, as a last wish, asks for a Cuban flag to kiss and
say good-bye to his dearest Cuba.

Having abandoned everything in Havana, the other Cubans search desperately
in their boat to find something that would resemble the flag of their
country -- a T-shirt, a handkerchief, anything.

With everyone almost ready to abandon all hope of finding a flag, a
23-year-old girl shyly interrupts their desperate search by offering a
tattoo of the flag that is inscribed on the left cheek of her buttocks. The
young girl pulls down her shorts and slowly lowers her underwear, showing
the Cuban flag on a beautifully shaped tanned buttock cheek. She approaches
the dying man and sticks her butt right up in his face.

The man, with tears in his eyes, caresses the 'flag,' grabs the cheek with
both hands and starts kissing it with great passion, saying "My dear Cuba, I
say goodbye to you with great sadness. Farewell my land, my flag. Havana, I
will miss you so."

After going on non-stop for almost 10 minutes, he says to the girl, "Now,
Chica, par favor, turn around and allow me to kiss Fidel, our bearded
dictator, goodbye too!""

Australian Love Poem

Yes there is such a thing, sad as it is!
Who said Australians weren't romantic?

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch me another beer.

Haloween with the ACME Costume Company...

Halloween Costume Problem!!!

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head & his leg, so he
writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later
he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief
will cover your bald head, and with your wooden leg, you will look just
right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his
wooden leg.. so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by, he
receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover
your wooden leg, and with your bald head, you should really look the
part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the
company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a
small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

We have TRIED our very BEST!!!
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses & a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on all our crushed nuts, stick your
Wooden Leg up your arse and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

DO MEN HAVE INSTINCT

A married couple at the Zoo walks past the gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: ' Mark , do you know that gorillas are the only
animals which resemble men in their behavior???

Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts to
it and see how horny it gets just as men do'.

Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla
begins to get a hard-on and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it
wanted to break free.

'See - says the woman - 'Now I know why you react the way you do, men
can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't'.

Says Mark : 'Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens'.

The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited
and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure.

Says Mark : 'This is incredible, now pull your skirt up, turn around
and expose your bum to it and let us see what will happen'!!!

The woman pull her skirt up turns around with her bum to the gorilla
which by now, extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs
the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her.

The woman yells: ' Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me'!!!

Mark replies: 'Now give it one of the excuses that you usually give me:

That you don't feel like it

That you have a headache

That you're tired

That your throat is aching

That it is still too early

That I must understand you as a woman

That you are depressed

That you are in one of those days

That you are having a very busy week

That all you need is just to cuddle up

That you're tensed up

That you have to wake up very early tomorrow

That you woke up very early today

That you walked for long and your feet are aching

That caresses and hugs is all that you want today

That you're so tensed up that all you want is a good massage to make you relax

That you feel like watching TV

That you don't wanna miss the soapies

That you're from the Hair salon and therefore you can't move and spoil your hair

Go on, explain all that to the gorilla and if it understands, if you
can persuade it, then I'll accept that Gorillas and men are same and I
promise you that from today on I'll accept your excuses'!

Greek Vs Italian

A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture.The
Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."Arching his eyebrows, the Italian
replies, "We have the Coliseum."The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave
birth to advanced mathematics"The Italian, nodding agreement, says,
"But we built the Roman Empire."And so on and so on until the Greek
comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish
of finality he says, "We invented sex!"The Italian replies, "That is
true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

A Kiss is Just a Kiss

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about
to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you
doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give
me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I
have ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be
famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........"

Friday, October 28, 2011

Management Course

5 Minute Management Course 5 Lessons to Learn

Lesson 1 :

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand
slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 2 :

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of
you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the
Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse,
an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone..

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I
want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you
and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 4:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't
got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the
bull. It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there....

Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the
bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A
passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

``` Some interesting facts ```

Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's
clothes have buttons on the left?
A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn
primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is
easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. Because
wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on
the maid's right! And that's where women's buttons have remained
since.

Q: Why do ships and aircraft use 'mayday' as their call for help?

A: This comes from the French word m'aidez -meaning 'help me' -- and
is pronounced, approximately,' mayday.'
Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?
A: In France, where tennis became popular, round zero on the
scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is French
for 'egg.' When tennis was introduced in the US, Americans
(mis)pronounced it 'love.'

Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called 'passing the buck'?
A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a
buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If
a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing, he
would 'pass the buck' to the next player.

Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by
offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was
safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his
drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it
simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or
clink the host's glass with his own.
Q : Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the limelight'?
A: Invented in 1825,limelight was used in lighthouses and theatres by
burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the
theatrical performer 'in the limelight' was the centre of attention.
Q: Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'?
A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they
attain, with nine being the highest cloud If someone is said to be on
cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.
Q: In golf, where did the term 'Caddie' come from?
A. When Mary Queen of Scots went to France as a young girl, Louis,
King of France , learned that she loved the Scots game 'golf.' So he
had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To
make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played,
Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked
this a lot and when returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the
long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet
is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into 'caddie.
Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have
notches (milling), while pennies and nickels do not?
A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing
gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small
quantities of the precious metals. Dimes, quarters and half dollars
are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels
aren't notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough
to shave.

So there! Now you know! Almost everything?

Friday humour

Cowboy: "GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE."

CASHIER: "DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?"

Cowboy: "NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!"

Monday, October 24, 2011

Jewish arranged Marriages

A good Hassidic family is most concerned that their 30-year-old son is
unmarried. So, they call a marriage broker and ask him to find their
son a good wife. The broker comes over to their house and spends a
long time asking questions of the son and his parents as to what they
want in a wife/daughter-in-law. They give him a long shopping list of
requirements.

The marriage broker takes a long time looking, and finally asks to
visit the family again. He then tells them of a wonderful woman he has
found. He says she's just the right age for the son. She keeps a Glatt
Kosher home, she regularly attends synagogue and knows the prayers by
heart,
and she's a wonderful cook. She loves children and wants a large
family. And, to crown it all off, she's gorgeous.

After hearing all this, the family is very impressed and begins to get
excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future.

But the son pauses and asks inappropriately:
'Is she any good in bed?'
The marriage broker answers,
.

.

.

.

.

.

.

'Some say yes, some say no

‎'MOTHER' - Job Description

POSITION : MOTHER, MUM,MOM, MOMMY, MAMA, MA, AMMA, AMMI

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging,
permanent work in an
often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports
tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs some money.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 kmph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without
complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that passing matric will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth,
unconditional love,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

THE VALUE, LIFE TIME DEDICATION AND HARD LABOUR, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
OF
"THE MOTHER"

A letter from Goldman Sachs concerning occupy wall street

October 18, 2011

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)– The following is a letter released
today by Lloyd Blankfein, the chairman of banking giant Goldman Sachs:

Dear Investor:

Up until now, Goldman Sachs has been silent on the subject of the
protest movement known as Occupy Wall Street. That does not mean,
however, that it has not been very much on our minds. As thousands
have gathered in Lower Manhattan, passionately expressing their deep
discontent with the status quo, we have taken note of these protests.
And we have asked ourselves this question:

How can we make money off them?

The answer is the newly launched Goldman Sachs Global Rage Fund, whose
investment objective is to monetize the Occupy Wall Street protests as
they spread around the world. At Goldman, we recognize that the
capitalist system as we know it is circling the drain – but there's
plenty of money to be made on the way down.

The Rage Fund will seek out opportunities to invest in products that
are poised to benefit from the spreading protests, from police batons
and barricades to stun guns and forehead bandages. Furthermore, as
clashes between police and protesters turn ever more violent, we are
making significant bets on companies that manufacture replacements for
broken windows and overturned cars, as well as the raw materials
necessary for the construction and incineration of effigies.

It would be tempting, at a time like this, to say "Let them eat cake."
But at Goldman, we are actively seeking to corner the market in cake
futures. We project that through our aggressive market manipulation,
the price of a piece of cake will quadruple by the end of 2011.

Please contact your Goldman representative for a full prospectus. As
the world descends into a Darwinian free-for-all, the Goldman Sachs
Rage Fund is a great way to tell the protesters, "Occupy this." We
haven't felt so good about something we've sold since our souls.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Friday, December 23, 2011

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Monday, December 19, 2011

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Monday, December 12, 2011

Thursday, December 08, 2011

Saturday, December 03, 2011

Friday, December 02, 2011

Thursday, December 01, 2011

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Monday, November 28, 2011

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Monday, November 21, 2011

Friday, November 18, 2011

Friday, November 11, 2011

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Sunday, November 06, 2011

Thursday, November 03, 2011

Monday, October 31, 2011

Friday, October 28, 2011

Monday, October 24, 2011

Guess what

XX - IF YOU ARE A PRUDE

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