Some British Humour!

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
Can you believe that, 2:30am?!
 Luckily for him,
I was still up playing my Trumpet

  I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself,
Please don't get an erection,
Please don't get an erection...
But she did!

  Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
  All he wanted to do was
Eat,
Drink
&
Be Mary.

 Man calls 999 and says.
"I think my wife is dead"
  The operator says how do you know?
  He says,
"The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.
  I said,
"You're pulling my leg."

Spent $40 on eBay last week for a p*nis enlarger.
Just opened it
&
Some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass with instructions do not use
under sunlight!

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!!
  At least I presume she was poor -
She only had  $1.20 in her purse.