XX Adult Puns!

An blonde girl walks into the local dry cleaners.
She places a garment on the counter.
"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the worker, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

I ran into Jim at work yesterday.
He had been out for a few days with the flu.
I asked him how he was feeling.
"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience. " he replied.
"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful? " I asked in stunned disbelief.
"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever
the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife
ran out to meet them?
I could hear her excitedly saying
"My husband is home! My husband is home! "

He said,
"Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in
the worst way."
She said,
"Well, you succeeded."

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic
pal seated next to him at the bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd
been, she said that she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley.
And I know that's a lie because I spent the night with her sister,
Shirley."

David and Simon are sitting in the cafeteria discussing their weekend.
"Man this weekend was the best!" David says. "I finally scored."
Simon says,
"Yeah, well I scored and it was the worst experience I've ever had."
"How so?" replies David.
Simon relates,
"That girl Cecilia brought me back to her room and said she would do
anything I want. So, I asked her to go down on me, and she said no
problem.
In the middle of the whole thing, she starts turning green, coughing
like crazy and passes out."
"Damn!" Simon says. "What happened?"
David responds,
"Turns out she's allergic to nuts."

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to the best looking girl in
the place and starts looking at his watch.
The girl notices this and asks him if his date is late.
"No," he replies, "I've just got this new state-of-the-art watch and I
was just about to test it.
"What does it do?" she asked.
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me."
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
"Ha! Well it must be broken then, 'cos I am!"
"Damn thing," the guy says tapping the watch "must be an hour fast."

A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the Honeymoon suite.
"Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist.
"Only one," replies the groom. "She won't take it up the ass."

A friend told me,
"I can understand why men don't like vasectomies. My uncle got a
vasectomy, and paid for it with MasterCard. He forgot to pay the bill,
and the finance company came over to his house and knocked up my
aunt."