Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Fwd: Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee - Urgent Appeal To You

Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee - Urgent Appeal To You ...

I have the distinguished honour of being on the Committee to raise
$50,000,000 for a monument to Hillary R. Clinton.

We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore, until we discovered
there was not enough room for two more faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C.
Hall of Fame.
We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed.
It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington,
who never told a lie, or beside her husband William J. Clinton, who
never told the truth, since Hillary could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the
greatest Democrat of them all.
He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there, he did
not know where he was.
He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone
else's money.

Thank you!
Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee

PS:
The Committee has raised $.16 so far.

Read More...

Fwd: Mahatma Gandhi - A little anecdote about one of life's more interesting characters ...

When Mahatma Gandhi was studying law at the University College of
London, a professor by the name of Peters disliked him intensely and
always displayed animosity towards him.


And because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he
expected, there were always "arguments" and confrontations.

One day Mr Peters was having lunch at the University dining room when
Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to him. The professor
said,"Mr Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit
together to eat."

Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly
replied, "You do not worry, professor. I'll fly away," and he went and
sat at another table.

Peters, red with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper,
but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions.

Unhappy and frustrated, Mr Peters asked him the following question:

"Mr Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package,
and within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money,
which one would you take?"

Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, "The one with the money, of course."

Mr Peters, smiling sarcastically, said, "I, in your place, would have
taken the wisdom."

Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded, "Each one takes what he
doesn't have."

Mr Peters, by this time, was fit to be tied. So great was his anger
that he wrote on Gandhi's exam sheet the word "idiot" and handed it
back to him.

Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk, trying hard to
remain calm while he contemplated his next move.

A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to
him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, "Mr Peters, you
autographed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade."

Read More...

Friday, May 15, 2015

Fwd: The Sri Lankan Politician and his Pizza

A notorious Sri Lankan politician called up Dominos Pizza and
shouted at the branch manager,

"You idiot, I just received delivery of pizza from your boy and
there's nothing on it!!
No cheese, no toppings, nothing - it's just a circle of plain bread!
What the hell is wrong with you guys?
I am gonna close you guys down permanently and get you personally arrested!!!"

10 mins later his wife calls back to Dominos and apologizes to the
manager, "Sorry, he opened the box upside down!"































--
Please exercise email etiquette by deleting my email address when
'forwarding' to prevent scammers, spammers, hackers and mischief
makers from creating problems for YOURSELF, your friends and others.
Also unless all parties know each other include all email addresses in
bcc so that they are not disclosed and inadvertently forwarded by
others.

Read More...

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Fwd: WHY AMERICAN ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS

WHY AMERICAN ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS ...

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all
the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"

Matt Millen of the Raiders said:
"To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk,University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy
like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."
(Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height.., and, You guys pair
up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to
prison for three years, not Princeton ..."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps
a colour photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen
of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning,
regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining
to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to
be an uncle or an aunt.
(I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he
told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas
why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:
"Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."

Read More...

Fwd: African Proverbs !!!!

African Proverbs


INTRIGUING AFRICAN PROVERBS.

1. The anger of a penis doesn't destroy the vagina.
(Zimbabwe)

2. There's no virgin in a maternity ward.
(Cameroon)

3. A child can play with it's mother's breasts but
not with the father's testicles. (Ghana)

4. The man who marries a beautiful woman and
the farmer who grows corns by the road side have
the same problem. (Ghana)

5. When you see a woman sitting with her legs
open, never tell her to close them, b'cos u do not
know her source of fresh air. (Ethiopia)

6. He who says that nothing lasts forever has
never tried Hausa perfume.(Nigeria)

7. The only woman who knows where her man is
every night is a widow. [Togo]

8. An erected penis has no conscience. (Uganda)

9. If u go to sleep with an itching anus, u are sure
to wake up with smelly fingers. (Kenya)

10. The day a mosquito lands on your testicles is
the day you will know there is a better way of
resolving issues without using violence.

Read More...

Thursday, May 07, 2015

Fwd: Headstones!

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up
and no place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in
East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
Only the good die young.
=============================
In a London , England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid
but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon him for not rising.
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake,
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City , Nevada , cemetery:
Here lays The Kid,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.
================================
A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.
=================================
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England , cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================
In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June , Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
==================================
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls ,
Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket ,
Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod,
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==================================
In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent,
Until I know which way you went.

Read More...

Friday, May 01, 2015

Fwd: EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE FROM 50 UPWARDS

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE FROM 50 UPWARDS

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room on each side.

With a 5-kg potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out
from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a
full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-kg potato bags.

Then try 50-kg potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you
can lift a 100-kg potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight
for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)

After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each bag.

Read More...

Fwd: BBQ Procedures!!!

BBQ Procedures!!!

Standard Operating Procedures released today:

Please learn we are about to enter the BBQ season.
Therefore, it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of
this sublime outdoor cooking activity.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are
put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the
man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory nine feet exclusion zone
where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding
activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great.
He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he
flips the meat

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off, and, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing
some women.

Read More...

Fwd: Puns of the Day

The Museum of Executions seemed to favour crucifixions,
But
I was only able to view a small cross section of the exhibits.

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of
a particular fern were a sure cure for constipation.
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder assured him,
"With fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

There was a telephone repair man named Jack who was always wired on coffee,
But
He always put in a good plug for the company.

"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when a University of South
Carolina student delivered his pizza.
"Well," the student replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other
guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."
"That so?" grunted the man.
"In that case, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," the student said, "I'll put it in my college fund."
"By the way, what are you studying?"
"Applied psychology."

They used to experiment on dogs called laboratory retrievers.
That led to some very angry dogs which were cross breeds.
A policeman noticed an old lady standing on a street corner during a
sudden windstorm.
She was bracing herself by holding a light post with one hand, and she
was holding her hat snuggly against her head with her other hand.
Unfortunately, a strong gust blew her dress upward, and it continued
to flap in the wind, exposing her privates for everyone to see.
The policeman came up to her and said,
"Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting you skirt blow
around, being indecent, while both hands hold your hat. Everybody is
taking a good look at what you've got. Don't you think that pulling
your dress down is more important than worrying about your hat?"
"Look, sonny," the old lady replied, "What these people are looking at
is 85 years old. But the hat is brand new!"

There was a naughty kid who was called the "German Sausage"
Because
He was the wurst braut anybody ever saw.

A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask,
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God replies,
"My son, a million years to you is like a second to me."
The man asks,
"God, what is a million dollars to you?"
God replies,
"My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means
almost nothing to me."
The man asks,
"So God, can I have a million dollars?"
And God replies,
"In a second."

We have period furniture!
You know the kind you have for a period of time and then they take it back,

A man goes to his girlfriend's house for the first time.
As she's showing him around the house, she brings him into the living room.
"I'll be right back," she says. "I'm going into the kitchen to get us
some drinks. Have a seat."
As he's sitting there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
"What's this?" he asks.
"Oh, my father's ashes are in there," she says.
"Really?" he replies. "Gee, I'm sorry."
"Yeah," she says. "He's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray!"

I said to the Gym instructor,
"Can you teach me to do the splits?"
He asked,
"How flexible are you?"
I replied,
"I can't come on Tuesdays."

They say the Island of Cuba's 'Edenic',
But not to me, for I'm still quite a skeptic.
Can you be optimistic,
When Raul's Communistic,
Guess I may just be a bit Castro-phobic.


BUNGEE JUMPING

Glenn and Scott are bungee-jumping one day, when Glenn has a brainstorm,
"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping
service in Mexico."

Scott agrees that it would be a great idea,
So the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower,
an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.

As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
When everything is ready Glenn gives it a test jump.

When he bounces at the end of the cord and comes back up, Scott
notices that Glenn has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, the Scott isn't able catch him,
So Glenn falls again, bounces, and then comes back up.
This time, Glenn is bruised and bleeding.

Again, Scott misses him.
Glenn goes down again and this time, he comes back pretty messed up --
he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

On the next attempt, Scott finally catches him and pulls him in.
"What happened?" he asks. "Was the cord too long?"

Glenn catches his breath and replies,
"No, the cord was fine, but tell, what the heck is a piñata?"

Read More...