XX - Adult Puns!

Remember doing the missionary position does not mean you have sex in a church.

At the cinema a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself.
He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was
playing herself furiously.
He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help.
She welcomed his help, and so the man started playing her like crazy.
When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go
back to work on herself with both hands.
"Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.
"Great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"

If I were ever in one of those jokes where you have to tell the native
chief which way you'd prefer to die, I'd tell him that I'd like to be
hung like a horse.

At school one day the teacher heard cat noises coming from the class,
and she discovered little Jimmy with a cat up his jumper.
She said,
"Why have you got your cat at school?"
Little Jimmy started crying.
"I woke up this morning to hear the postman tell Mummy 'I'm gonna eat
your pussy today!"

Three geezers are sitting on a porch in Miami Beach.
Suddenly, the first sighs and says,
"Gentlemen, isn't life horrible. Here I am at an age that I can afford
the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I have to eat ground or
soft foods."
The second answers,
"Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at an age where I can buy
the finest wines, champagne and what? Ulcers... I have to drink milk."
The third sighs loudly and adds,
"Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean. Last night at 2 am I nudged
my wife and asked her if she's interested. She screams at me, "What is
wrong with you Sam? We just got finished doing it for the second time
tonight!"
After a long pause the first man says,
"So, what is your problem?"
The third one grunts and says,
"Can't you see? My memory is going."

Oral sex makes your day.
Anal sex makes your hole weak.

"How did the accident happen?" asked the doctor.
"Well," explained the patient, "I was making love to my girlfriend on
the living room rug when, all of a sudden, the chandelier came
crashing down on us."
"Fortunately, you've only sustained some minor lacerations on your
buttocks," the doctor said. "You're a very lucky man."
"You said it, doc," the man replied. "A minute sooner and it would
have fractured my skull."

What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?
Get 'em on their back and they're both screwed.