Morning Jokes.

Excuses You Can Use
*
- The dog ate my car keys.
We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

- I prefer to remain an enigma.

- My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must
track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give
her eternal peace.
One day should do it.

- I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

- I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

- I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax.
I insist on paying my fair share.

- I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half
back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time
continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion).
I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the
power source, exactly e*log(pi), of the clocks in the house while
simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times.
Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
~~~~~~~~~~
I'm Gonna Be Late Because...
*
- I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous
boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

- I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have
that deadline to meet...

- I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

- If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work.
The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

- Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and,
hey, how about them Skins, huh?
So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you?
No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

- I just found out that I was switched at birth.
Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now
contain false
Information.

- The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session.
He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

- I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my
house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for
helicopter transportation.
~~~~~~~~~~
Best Friends?
There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best
of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed
that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents
of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed
and recently dead friend.
And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass.
Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend
one last time.
"Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?"
Faintly, Shawn replied,
"Yes, Paddy, I can."
Bashfully, Pat started,
"Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"
"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained. "And, you'll also remember that I
was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your
grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said
Pat.
"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.
"It's a very "old" bottle now, you know," urged Pat.
"And what are you getting at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.
"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if
I filter it through my kidneys first?"
~~~~~~~~~~
Father's Lesson
A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation,
aggravation, and frustration.
His father picks up the phone and dials a number at random.
When the phone is answered, he asks,
"Can I speak to Alf, please?"
"No! There's no one called Alf here," says the person who answered the phone.
His father hangs up.
"That's irritation," he says.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number, and asks for Alf a
second time. "No-there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call
again I shall telephone the police," the person says.
His father hangs up and says,
"That's aggravation."
"Then what's frustration?" asks his son.
The father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time.
"Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?" he asks casually.