Morning Jokes.

Bidding Higher
One day, a man went to an auction.
While there, he bid on a parrot.
He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding.
He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and
higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the
parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer,
"I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much
for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think
kept bidding against you?"

~~~~~~~~~~
The Pirate
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their
adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch,
the sailor asks,
"So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies
"We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept
me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks
appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the sailor. "What about the hook?"
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols
blastin and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand
got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the sailor. "And how came ye by the eye patch?"
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook."

~~~~~~~~~~
Baseball
Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons
and talking about baseball, like they do every day.
Abe turns to Sol and says,
"Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies,
"I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and
tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do
the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.
One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by
himself when he hears a voice whisper,
"Sol ... Sol ..."
Sol responds,
"Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes, it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks,
"So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says,
"Well... There is baseball in heaven."
Sol says,
"That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers,
"You're pitching on Friday."

~~~~~~~~~~
Captain's Mystery
Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain.
This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided
merchant ships all over the world.
Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him.
He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.
However, there was one thing different about this captain.
Every morning he went through a strange ritual.
He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe.
In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside.
He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up.
Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties.
For years this went on, and his crew became very curious.
Was it a treasure map?
Was it a letter from a long lost love?
Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.
One day, the captain died at sea.
After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire
crew into the captains quarters.
He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and...
The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others.
Four words were on the paper; two lines with two words each:
Port :Left.
Starboard: Right.