XX Adult Puns!

If you come across a tiger in the jungle,
Wipe it off and apologize.

A couple decided to go to Alaska for a romantic weekend.
When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband
to go chop some wood for that fire place.
He came in after five minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold,
So, she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them.
So, he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood.
He came in after another five minutes and said,
"Honey my hands are cold again."
So, she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them.
So, he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood.
Five minutes has passed and he went in again and said,
"Honey my hands are cold again."
She then said,
"Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"

If I were ever in one of those jokes where you have to tell the native
chief which way you'd prefer to die,
I'd tell him that I'd like to be hung like a horse.

"Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day
in a snappy new suit.
"Where'd you pick 'em up?" Jim beamed.
"My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"
"I'll say. What was the occasion?"
"Got me," admitted Jim with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work
early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the
bedroom."

I have a genetic predisposition for hiring prostitutes.
You might say I'm buysexual.

A bill collector came knocking at Nadine's door; she had fallen behind
on her bills.
"All right, lady," said the bill collector, "how about the next
installment on that couch?" Nadine shrugged and said.
"I guess that's better than having to give you money."

Eskimos go to Tupperware parties to find a tight seal.

Rodney sat in his attorney's office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" asked the lawyer.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked Rodney incredulously. "I can't wait to
hear the terrible news."
"It's of you and your mistress."

Those new edible candy pants are about to be distributed in a male
version -- with nuts of course?

Two old drunks in a bar.
The first one says,
"Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with
either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10
degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it
about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can
almost bend it in half with just one hand"
"So, " says the second drunk, "what's your point? "
"Well, " says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get! "

My neighbour's daughter hollered up to her mom,
"The bill collector is here. Have you got the money or do you want me
to go out and play for a while?"

A woman walked up to the bar and ordered a Guinness.
As soon as she had taken her first sip of the heavenly nectar, she was
distressed to see a drunken, unkempt man sit down next to her.
"Shay, honey-baby, I'd really like to get into those pants of yours."
Looking nonchalantly over her shoulder at him, she replied,
"Thanks, but I've already got an ass-hole in there. "

A new airline linking Geneva with Milan, Rome and Naples will be
called Genitalia?