XX - Adult Puns!

He says,
"Come on, honey. I can't remember the last time we made love."
She says,
"Well I can -and that's why we're not."

"How did your evening with your new boyfriend go?"
"It was a disaster. We were nude in bed in heavy foreplay and he had a
premature ejaculation."
"What did he say when it occurred?"
"He just said I was the loveliest girl he had ever come across."

Did you hear about the real smart girl who could play post-office all
night without getting any male in her box?

During a rather rowdy party, one unattached female guest kept
disappearing into a back bedroom with one man after another, including
the host.
This did not go unnoticed by the host's wife, who was quietly
smoldering, but kept her composure, so as not to ruin the party.
It was still fairly early when "Miss Willing" approached the hostess
looking somewhat frazzled and rumpled.
"I'm sorry to rush off," she explained, "but I don't feel too well."
"Of course, I understand, my dear," the hostess replied. "That
sometimes happens when you swallow."

The difference between a woman taking a shower and a nun is:
The nun has hope in her soul.

Moses has been up on the mountain quite awhile and he's really weary,
but thinks he pretty well has it all down pat about the 10
Commandments and how the Children of Israel are supposed to comport
themselves with their neighbours.
Frankly, even though this was a conversation with God, Moses'
attention had been wandering as God summed everything up to conclude
this historic briefing.
Suddenly, Moses interrupts the Deity...
"Wait a minute, wait a minute, Lord, let me get this straight now.
Maybe I misheard?
THEY get all the oil, and we have to cut off the tips of our WHAT!

Grammar is important.
Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a
horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

A newlywed couple who were both avid baseball fans, attended a Cubs
"Lovable Losers" game.
They were still on their honeymoon and very affectionate, hugging and
kissing so much that they weren't able to follow the game.
In order to be able to follow the game better the young bride says,
"I've got an idea, honey. You kiss me on the strikes and I'll kiss you
on the balls."

Seeing a picture of his wife in the nude hanging at the art show, the
husband demanded of her:
"Did you really pose for that?"
"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "of course not. He painted it from memory."

A few of the guys were sitting at a table in the pub, watching the
Notre Dame game Saturday.
We had ordered a round of draft beers and after they were brought to
the table, one of the guys, a visiting German Lufthansa pilot, took
his back to the bar.
After telling the female bartender why he wasn't happy with his beer,
to our amazement she hauled off and slapped him in the face.
When returned to the table, somewhat stunned, I asked what happened
and why she slapped him.
His puzzled reply was,
"Hell I don't know, all I did was ask her for some head."

Chess players check their mates