Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Blondes - Stupid?? But why??

Today's query -

Why are blondes considered to be stupid by some people?
What's the history behind this stereotype?

The blonde stereotype has changed dramatically over the centuries, and
the latest incarnation is the "stupid" image.

The short answer to your question would be that it's a combination of
historical stereotype, bad press, and human nature.

The long answer is more interesting.

Let's start with history.

Blonde hair is a recessive trait, and therefore somewhat rarer than
brown or black hair.
That has traditionally made it desirable.
A quick perusal of art verifies this.

Browse a book of Renaissance art, and count the blondes.
You'll see a good number of blondes, even coming from the
Mediterranean, where most people have darker skin and hair.

For that matter, check out all the reference to golden-haired Greek
and Roman deities.
The locals of both those areas tend to be beautifully olive-skinned
and brunette, with blondes showing only very rarely.

Whenever someone has the good fortune to be favoured by society purely
because of how they were born, those not so favoured are likely to
resent them.

Especially over time.

By the mid-nineteenth century, blondes were considered seductive,
conniving, sinful, and evil.
Short stories and novels--and especially the three-volume wonders so
enjoyed by young women of the time--often pitted a virtuous young
brunette against a wicked, deceitful blonde.
(The opposite of what we often see on television today!)

This stereotype held for a few years, until bleaching came into vogue.
Suddenly, brunettes had the world of blondness opened to them, and,
like magic, the evil blonde image vanished.
Blondes were considered cute and innocent.
(Remember all those pixie-like platinum blonde silent movie stars?)

In those early days of hair dying, bleaching your hair blonde was much
trickier than it is today.
Ingredients were often expensive, and they are pretty volatile.
Add too much peroxide, for example, and you risk burning your scalp
(or ending up bald). Usually, the very-fair, bottle blondes, then,
were the women who could afford it.
Being a bottle-blonde marked you as, well, if not exactly wealthy, at
least well-off enough that you could buy such luxuries.

Blondeness became associated with wealth and social status.

By the mid-twentieth century, dyeing your hair was much cheaper, but
the image of blondes as rare and desirable still held sway.

Blondes (including bottle-blondes) were often seen as social climbers,
cashing in on their wholesome attractiveness to join the socialite
sect and raise their status.
The party circuit became populated with fair-haired beauties.

(Blondes have more fun, after all!)

These party-girls often made their money and their reputations as
trophy wives or by upgrading lovers.
Rumours abounded, and blondes became seen as women who slept their way
to the top.

The implication, then is that not only are blondes "loose," but their
good looks are all they have available to them.
They can't work their way to the top by virtue of their minds (and
therefore, their minds aren't all that great).

The fact that so many of the wealthy, happy-go-lucky upper crust were
blondes only added to the virulence of such stereotypes by adding an
element of jealousy.
All of this was cemented and spread by blonde jokes, which prey on
these feelings to spread an image of blondes as stupid, vapid, and
slutty.

Certain famous (or infamous?) blonde celebrities have also
contributed, most recently, dippy blondes like Jessica Simpson and
Anna Nicole Smith.

There you have it.

Blondes are seen as stupid because of reaction against the old image
of blonde as beautiful, class jealousy, their image of being sexual
promiscuous, and the contributions of the rich, famous, and
air-headed.

But I still love em ..  ...Drat!!!

Read More...

Don't Be So Serious!

1. Save the whales.
Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like . . .
Night.

3. On the other hand . . .
You have different fingers.

4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember half the people you know are below average.

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. Eagles may soar,
But weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

10. The early bird may get the worm,
But the second mouse gets the cheese.

11. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

12. I intend to live forever...
So far so good.

13. Borrow money from a pessimist -
They don't expect it back.

14. Quantum mechanics:
The dreams stuff is made of.

15. Support bacteria -
They're the only culture some people have.

16. When everything's coming your way,
You're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

17. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

18. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

19. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

20. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

21. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

22. Two wrongs are only the beginning.

23. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

24. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

25. Change is inevitable . . .
Except from vending machines.

26. Get a new car for your spouse -
It'll be a great trade!

27. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

28. How many of you believe in telekinesis?
Raise my hand...

29. Love may be blind
But marriage is a real eye-opener.

30. If at first you don't succeed,
Then skydiving isn't for you.

Read More...

XX - Adult Puns.

Truman Capote was drinking one evening with friends in a Key West bar.
At a nearby table sat an inebriated couple.
When the woman recognized Capote, she approached him and asked for an
autograph. The woman's husband, in a display of drunken jealousy,
staggered over to Capote's table, unzipped his trousers, and in
Capote's own words, "hauled out his equipment. "
As the man did this, he bellowed,
'Since you're autographing things, why don't you autograph this?'"
A hush fell over the room, allowing everybody in the bar to hear
Capote's soft, high pitched voice reply,
"I don't know if I can autograph it, but perhaps I can initial it..."

35% of all gay men were born that way.
The rest got sucked into it.

A woman was in a sex boutique shopping for vibrators when the clerk said,
"Perhaps you might be interested in this one. It's our most realistic model."
The woman said,
"You mean it's shaped exactly like a man's penis?"
"No," the clerk replied, "I mean that after five minutes it goes soft
for the rest of the night."

Height of Competition:
A guy peeing beside a waterfall.

Joe and Tom were out walking home from work one afternoon.
"Shit," Joe said, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's panties off!"
"What's the rush?" Tom asked.
Joe replied,
"The damn elastic in the legs is killing me!"

When I was 17, my mother remarried and moved to Tulsa Oklahoma,
leaving me alone to finish my senior year of high school in the little
town where we lived.
She was only about an hour away and I was very responsible for my age.
My girlfriend had decided to stay the night one Saturday.
On Sunday morning we woke up and started to have sex.
We got very involved and she started screaming very loudly, then we
heard the toilet flush in the next room - my mother had come home for
a Sunday lunch!
When we finally got the courage to come out of the bedroom, my mother
was sitting at the dining room table and asked
"Did your father have the whole sex talk with you before we got divorced?"
He hadn't, but as most kids did at that time we learned in school, I said
"No mom, he did not." to which she replied,
"I didn't think so, we were married for 28 years and he never made me
scream like that!"

Little Sandy was with her father when they stopped by the beauty shop
to pick-up her Mom.
She wasn't quite ready,
So, they sat down and waited.
Without any warning, Sandy goes over to her mom's stylist and blurts out,
"My Daddy says you're a fairy. May I see your magic wand?"

Did you hear about the gay who placed a condom on each ear?
He didn't want to get hearing aids.

A pirate walks into a bar with an enormous ship's wheel attached to his groin.
He orders a grog, and as the bartender pours it he says,
"Cap'n - forgive me - but what's with the wheel?"
Pirate replies,
"Arrrrr - it's drivin' me nuts!"

When you're sex ting,
Are you trying to get your phone off?

A pretty, young, blond woman in Vancouver was so depressed that she
decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water
when a handsome young seaman saw her teetering on the edge of the
pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said,
"Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Hawaii in the morning.
If you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of
you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her waist and added,
"I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The blonde nodded.
What did she have to lose?
Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in the bowels of the ship.
From then on, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit
every night, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, the blonde was discovered by the Captain during a
routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" he asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the seamen," she explained.
"I get food and a trip to Hawaii and in return he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," said the Captain. "This is the Nanaimo ferry."

Read More...

XX - Adult Puns.

A stewardess did her usual act of showing passengers the safety drill.
Near the end she said,
'And in the event of an emergency, bend forward and put your head
between your legs.' Eunice said to her boy friend Jeff,
"I can't bend that far these days!"
Jeff replied with a smile,
"Well then, you'll just have to put your head between my legs."
Eunice looked wide-eyed at her boy friend, and asked,
"If my head were between your legs, where could you put your head?"
"My love," replied Jeff, "if you've got your head between my legs, I
won't give a damn where my head is!"

I sez to him,
"I clearly have your number! You only want me for my body! What do you
say to that?"
He sez to me,
"Hmmmmmmmm... Let me sleep on it."

This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they
cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute.
A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green
lump on the end of his penis.
The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical
book and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for.
He looks up and says,
"I'm afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!"
"Operate?" exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?"
"Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You've developed
the same sort of thing. You've got a brothel sprout."

What is a woman with sperm on her glasses most likely to say?
"I saw that one coming..."

One day an inmate of a lunatic asylum broke out of his cell and after
wandering around unnoticed, entered the laundry department where he
found a lady worker at work.
He raped her and then managed to escape from the mental institution.
The next day, the local newspaper had this headline -
NUT SCREWS WASHER & BOLTS!

Teacher to his student:
"Give me the opposite of this sentence: Children in the dark make mistakes."
Student:
"Mistakes in the dark make children."

One day the parents of an fifteen-year- old boy and his fourteen-year-
old sister leave them alone together in the house.
The two kids begin talking about "it," and pretty soon they decide to
try doing "it" with each other.
After they're done, the boy says:
"Wow, you're even better than Mom!"
"I know," says the girl, "that's what Dad says too."

Blonde to postman delivering a package:
"Oh good. My dildo finally came and now so can I."

There were two teenage girls who decided they wanted to go into a
package store and see if they could buy some liquor.
So, they parked their car and one girl said to her friend,
"You wait here I'm going in to see if I can get us something to drink.
If I am not back in 15 minutes come in and look for me and see if
maybe I got busted and might need you to call my parents or
something."
So, the girl disappears into the store and 15 minutes goes by and the
second girl is getting worried about her friend so she goes to the
front door of the package store to see if she's ok and the door is
locked!
And all of the lights are off and no one is in sight.
She looks at her watch and says gee it's too early for the store to be
closed so she decides to go around to the back and try to get in that
way.
She goes to the backdoor, which is also locked, but it has a small window.
So, she peeks into the window and sees that the owner of the package
store has her friend tied up in a standing position with her arms over
her head and she is butt naked and the owner of the store is licking
her friend all over her body from head to toe.
She freaks out and says,
"OMG I better go call 911."
So she goes to a phone and calls the police and finally they get there
and they bang and bang on the door until the owner finally opens it.
They enter the store and tell the owner you better get this girl
dressed and out of here right away.
The girl says,
"But wait!! I want to press charges and the cops tell her,
"You can't press charges."
She says,
"He had me tied up naked"
He gets up and asks them why they are fighting.
The police say I am sorry you cannot press charges and the girls ask
again but why not? The police say because he has a "liquor license"!!

Read More...

XX - Adult Puns.

Sadly neglected by her husband, a horny housewife turned to her
next-door neighbour for advice.
"Why don't you order your milk from the milkman" was the suggestion,
"and when the bill comes, see if you can settle it with sex."
This seemed like an excellent idea, and sure enough, when the bill was
presented, the milkman was delighted to settle for a long and
energetic screw.
Putting his pants back on, the milkman reached for the bill to mark it
"Paid in Full"
"Oh, no you don't," said the housewife, grabbing the bill.
"You brought me this milk a quart at a time, and that's the way I'm
gonna pay for it."

Santa comes but once each year.

George said to Mary,
"I'll bet you ten dollars that we could have the best sex that you
have ever had without me touching you."
"You're nuts," she said,
"Here is ten dollars that says you can't do that!"
They put the money on the mantelpiece.
That night George and Mary proceeded to have sex.
Reluctantly, Mary had to admit that it was the best sex that she could remember.
The next morning she exclaimed,
"Well, it may have been the best sex I've ever had... But you did
nothing BUT touch me!" George gave Mary the ten dollars and departed
with these words,
"So I lose."

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Mark fixed himself a martini to carry him through the ordeal of
waiting while Peggy got ready for their date, he could hear her
singing in the shower.
"Sorry I'm so late," she finally called out to him, "but I was
shopping and lost track of the time."
Clutching a large towel about her, he edged into the room.
"Would you like to see me in my new dress?" she asked.
Mark took appreciative note of her newly bathed charms straining at
the confines of the barely adequate towel.
"I would like," he said with a smile, "nothing better."

A Mexican doctor told the village nymphomaniac,
 "Senorita, it looks to me like you've had Juan too many."

A pregnant woman went to the gynaecologist, and when asked what was
the problem, she responded,
"Well, whenever I take off my clothes, my nipples get hard."
Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then asked,
"Your nipples get hard?"
"Yes," quite innocently came her reply.
"Undress so I can check," replied the still amazed doc.
So, she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging,
trying to reach an answer.
After some considerable time, the doctor, still looked puzzled, said,
"Well madame, I don't know what you have, but it's sure as hell contagious!"

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice --
I don't know if I'm coming or going.

Judy went to her gynaecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside of her.
"To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to
perform a very long and delicate operation."
"I don't think I can afford that" said Judy. "Could you just replace
the batteries?"

The prostitute with a degree in psychology really blows your mind.

Mom took little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.
Doc. Said,
"How did such a thing happen?"
Johnny said,
"It's that damn neighbour girl, Suzy. Her braces are too darned sharp."

Read More...

Monday, December 14, 2009

The Story of a Lawyer

The Salvation Army realised that it had never received a donation from
the city's most successful lawyer.  So a Salvation Army volunteer made
an appointment to see the lawyer in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that
even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't
give a cent to charity.  Wouldn't you like to give something back to
your community through the Salvation Army?"

The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "First, did your research
also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness
and has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the Salvation Army volunteer mumbled, "Uh... no, I didn't
know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled
Veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support
his wife and six children?"

The stricken volunteer began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again.

"Thirdly," the lawyer said, "did your research also show you that my
sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her
penniless with a mortgage and the burden of supporting three children,
one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities
requiring an array of private tutors?"

Completely beaten, the humiliated Salvation Army volunteer said, "'I'm
so sorry.  I had no idea.'"

And then the lawyer said, "So, if I don't give any money to them, what
makes you think I'd give any to you?"

Read More...

Sunday, December 13, 2009

A senior moment, GO GIRL GO

A SENIOR MOMENT:  I HOPE I HAVE THEM LIKE THIS !!!

A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank..  The bank
manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.


Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I
endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three
nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and
the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.  I refer,
of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an
arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight
years.  You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty
for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.  I noticed that whereas
I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.  From now
on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer
be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
must nominate.  Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act
for any other person to open such an envelope.  Please find attached
an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to
complete.  I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know
as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
alternative.  Please note that all copies of his or her medical
history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she
must quote in dealings with me.  I regret that it cannot be shorter
than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button
presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank
service.  As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer
is required.  A password will be communicated to you at a later date
to the Authorized Contact.)
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9.  To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New year.

Your humble Client

(Remember:  This was written by a 98 year old woman;

DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!

Read More...

Saturday, December 12, 2009

X - Adult Puns.

A little boy came home from playing outside one day.
He was huffing and puffing, like he was winded.
All of sudden, the boy's father heard a kitten squalling like it was
extremely uncomfortable. He turned around and looked.
Sure enough, there's his son -- holding a kitten - obviously no more
than 6 weeks old! "What have you got there, son?"
"It's especially for you, Dad," the boy replied.
The father asked,
"What do you mean?"
"Remember the other night, you told Mom you wanted 'a little pussy? '
"Well, I heard you, and I went out and got you one!"

The spinster sold her bra because she was flat busted.

John was in a bar looking very dejected.
His friend, Steve, walked over and asked,
"What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly.
"I have a real problem with her."
 "Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."
"Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."

Embarrassing Moments:
"Look, lover boy, $150 means $150.
I don't give a damn if that turned out to be $300 a minute."

"Did you know that Linda has become a vegetarian?"
"Really? Wow!"
"Yep, and she's become a lesbian, as well. I guess she doesn't want
'meat' of any kind!"

A middle-aged guy and his date are making out hot and heavy in the
movies when his toupee slides off.
As he's groping around for it, his hand goes between her legs, up
under her skirt, and lands on her twat.
She says,
"That's it! That's it!"
He says,
"It can't be. I part mine on the side."

When you cross a rooster and a telephone pole you get a 40ft cock that
wants to reach out and touch someone.

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said,
"Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying
"Yes."
So I said,
"Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started.

The Latina gal who was an expert at oral sex was referred to as, "the
Gulp of Mexico!"

Scientists have developed a new pill that will now help impotent men
who are also hay fever sufferers.
By combining Allegra to take care of the allergies, and Viagra for the
impotency, it gives you an erection not to be sneezed at!

Height of Laziness:
A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest.

Exhibitionists don't retire because they would rather stick it out forever.

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my
husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see
what the problem is." "The problem is,she complained, "It wakes me
up!"

Read More...

Friday, December 11, 2009

Who said car names don't have a meaning?

BMW                Brings Me Women.

FIAT                 Failure in Italian Automotive Technology.

FORD              For Only Rough Drivers.

HYUNDAI       Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive. ...

VOLVO           Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object.

PORSCHE    Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything.

KIA                  Kills In Accidents.

OPEL             Old People Enjoying Life.

TOYOTA        The One You Only Trust Always.

GOLF/GTI      Girls Only Love Fun / Get Them Inside.

HONDA          Hanged Over Now Driving Away.

Read More...

Monday, December 07, 2009

The hardships of being a retired husband.

"Sage Advice From A Retired Husband"

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping
as when they were younger.
When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron.
Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne.
When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to
get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra
income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets
home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.
I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out
is not reasonable.
I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating.
But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several
hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
evening that they won't clean themselves.
I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to
get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.
For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to
pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.
But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer
encouragement.
I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days.
That way, she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't
hurt her any (if you know what I mean).
I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard.
I try not to make a scene.
I'm a fair man.

I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed
lemonade and just sit for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as will make
one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.
Many men will find it difficult.
Some will find it impossible!

Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less
criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider
that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Editor's Note:
Ron died suddenly on November 30th of a perforated rectum.
The police report says he was found with a Calloway Extra-long 50-inch
Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely
five inches of grip showing, and a sledgehammer laying nearby.
His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder.
The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty,
Accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally
sat down on his golf club.

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A FEW THINGS THAT CAN DRIVE A SANE PERSON INSANE

*You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little
plastic thing in the middle of them.

*The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back
of your ankle.

*The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

*There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to
find an address.

*You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

*It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it
till you walk across your living room rug.

*The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.

*There's a dog in the neighbourhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

*You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

*Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and
discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.

*You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.

*You slice your tongue licking an envelope.

*Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.

*A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio
but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.

*There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.

*You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire
laundry comes out covered with lint.

*The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian
finish crossing.

*A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.

*You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.

*The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.

*You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

*People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a
counter just opening up.

*Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.

*You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary
because you don't know how to spell it.

*You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that
you're just browsing.

* You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.

*You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash
your head on the way up.

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Sunday, December 06, 2009

Good ones

A Blonde's Year in Review

January: Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February: Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. Hello,
bottles won't fit in printer.

March: Got really excited, finished jigsaw puzzle in six months. Box
said two-four years.

April: Trapped on escalator for hours. Power went out.

May: Tried to make Kool-Aid, wrong instructions. Eight cups of water
won't fit into those little packets.

June: Wanted to go water skiing. Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July: Lost breast stroke swimming competition. Learned later the other
swimmers used their arms.

August: Got locked out of car in rainstorm. Car swamped because top was down.

September: The capital of California is "C" isn't it?

October: Hate M&Ms. They are so hard to peel.

November: Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said one hour per
pound, and I weigh 108.

December: Couldn't call 911. There's no 11 button on the stupid phone.


                                     @@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Something You're

Not Telling Me, Doc?

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed
has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the women replied, "I'm
wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this
prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

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