Monday, April 28, 2014

Fwd: Building Permit...

Sometimes you must use the correct terminology!


Some have asked what I'm going to be doing in retirement.

Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be
100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with turrets at various heights, windows all
over the place and a loud outside sound system that was going to entertain
the whole neighborhood.

It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it snot green
with pink trim.

The City Council told me; "Forget it ... IT WILL NOT BE APPROVED!"

So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a 'Mosque'.

Work starts on Monday.

Read More...

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Fwd: FW: Sharing some bitter truths

Sharing Some Bitter Truths


When we sign off and are in heaven, our money is still in the bank.
When we are alive we don't have enough money to spend.
When we are gone there is still a lot of money not spent.

One tycoon in China passed away
His widow, who was left with his $1.9 billion in the bank, remarried
his chauffeur.
His chauffeur said, "All the while I thought I was working for my
boss. Now only I realize that my boss was working for me !!! "

The cruel reality is:
It is more important to live longer than to have more wealth.
So we must strive to have a strong and healthy body,
it doesn't matter who is working for who.

A high end hand phone, 70% of the functions are useless
An expensive car, 70% of the speed is not needed
A luxurious villa, 70% of the space is not occupied
A whole wardrobe of clothes, 70% of it is not worn
A whole life of earning, 70% is for other people to use
So we must protect and make full use of our 30%

Go for medical exam even if not sick
Drink more water even if not thirsty
Must let go even if faced with grave problems
Must give in even if you are in the right
Must be humble even if you are very powerful
Must be contented even if you are not rich
Must exercise even if you are very busy.

LIFE IS SHORT
LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST !

Read More...

Monday, April 21, 2014

Fwd: ... Puns of the Day ...

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of
war with the Hittites.
His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most
valuable diamond in the ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said,
"I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you
know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied,

"When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."



2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed
in a fire, and so we'll never know

"for whom the Tells bowled."



3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I
think I'm shrinking!"

The doctor calmly responded,

"Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."



4. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin
strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite
off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a
month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The
chief shrugged and said,

"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

5. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his
name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining
to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying,

"I must have taken Leif off my census."



6. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept
on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three
became pregnant. The first two, each had a baby boy. The one who slept
on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove
that...

The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of
the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one; Clue :
Pythogoras' Theorem.)



7. A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk
remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the
leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of
constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder
looked him in the eye and said,

"Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

Read More...

Fwd: ... Today's Quotes ... April Fool's Day Quotes

Get Naughty With These April Fool's Day Quotes


William Shakespeare famously said, "Better a witty fool than a foolish wit."
On April Fools' Day, showcase your wit and humor with these quotes.
If you are a prankster, play a harmless prank, and tease your friends.
If you are not a prankster, beware of those who are.
You will need loads of it on April Fools' Day.

Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson
April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on
the other three hundred and sixty-four.

Plato
Even the gods love jokes.

George Orwell
The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him
that he is already degraded.

Will Rogers
The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

Myra Cohn Livingston
The maple syrup's full of ants.
A mouse is creeping on the shelf.
Is that a spider on your back?
I ate the whole pie by myself.
The kitchen sink just overflowed.
A flash flood washed away the school.
I threw your blanket in the trash.
I never lie----I---
April Fool!

Charles Lamb
Here cometh April again, and as far as I can see the world hath more
fools in it than ever.

Poor Robin's Almanac, 1790
The first of April, some do say
Is set apart for All Fool's Day;
But why the people call it so
Nor I, nor they themselves, do know,
But on this day are people sent
On purpose for pure merriment.

Thomas Shadwell
The haste of a fool is the slowest thing in the world.

Arabian Proverb
A fool may be known by six things: Anger without cause; Speech without
profit; Change without progress; Inquiry without object; Putting trust
in a stranger; and Mistaking foes for friends.

Horace
Mix a little foolishness with your prudence: It's good to be silly at
the right moment.

Read More...

Fwd: THE FIRST TIME ...

THE FIRST TIME ...


Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase:
"You Gotta Be Shittin Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our
country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware
river with his troops.
There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat.
It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing
them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and
stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern.
He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the
lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and
his lantern into the Delaware.
Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find
Corporal Peters, but to no avail.
All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favourites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side,
wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that
they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said,
'General, I see lights ahead.'
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden
in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman
A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak,
'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are
tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a
broad smile on her face, said,
'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give
you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied,
'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'

And the Madam said,
'You gotta be shittin me.'


I only sent this to those with a slightly warped sense of humour!

Always REMEMBER this:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing

Read More...

Fwd: I love this.

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Older Applicant : "My honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is necessarily a weakness."
Older Applicant : "I don't really give a shit what you think."

Read More...

Fwd: Clever Signs!!

On a Septic Tank Truck:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."

**************************
At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************

Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

Read More...

Fwd: Funny

Physics/Chemistry.

1.
Higgs Boson walks into a catholic church and says "you can't have mass
without me!"


2
Atom 1: "I think I've lost an electron."
Atom 2: "Are you sure?"
Atom 1: "Yeah, I'm positive."

3
I think I lost an electron...
I better keep an ion that

4
I was going to tell a joke about sodium, but Na.

5
Two scientists walk into a bar.
"I'll have an H2O," says the first.
"I'll have an H2O, too," says the second.
The second man dies.

6
Argon walks into a bar.
Bartender says "SCRAM! We don't serve Noble gasses!"
Argon doesn't react.

7
Gold walks into a bar.
The bartender yells "AU! Get out!"

8
A photon checks into a hotel.
The clerk asks if he needs help with luggage.
Photon replies, "I don't have any, I'm traveling light."

Math/Geometry.

1
Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?
To get to the same side.

2.
There are 10 kinds of people in this world.
Those who understand binary.
And those who don't

The dorkiest science joke ever.

Don't trust atoms . . . they make up everything.

Read More...

Fwd: Australian Clock

Australian Clock:

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of
friends late one night, a drunk Englishman led the way to his bedroom
where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.


'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friends asked. 'Issss nod
a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.
'A talking Australian clock - seriously?' 'Yup.' 'How's it work?' the
second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said. He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an
ear-shattering bash and stepped back.

His mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded
silence. Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall
screamed,
'For f*#k's sake, you stupid pri*#. It's ten past three in the f*#king
morning !!!'

Read More...

Fwd: Sex with Older Men ...

Sex with Older Men ...

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.
Oprah asked,
'Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you?
You are always working, and at your age I think that is remarkable.'
George Burns said,
'I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.'
Oprah said,
'I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.'
George said,
'Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.
Oprah said,
'I have never been with an older man. Would you do it with me?'

So, they had sex and when they finished, Oprah said,
'I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied. You are a remarkable man!'

George said,
'The second time is even better than the first time.'

Oprah asked,
'You can really do it again at your age?'

George said,
'Just let me sleep for half an hour. You hold my testicles in your
left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty
minutes.'
When she woke him up, they had great sex again, and Oprah was beside
herself with joy.

She said,
'Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance
and have it be even better than the first time. At your age, Oh my, Oh
my!'
George told her that the third time would be even better.
'You just hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your
right hand and call me in thirty minutes.'
Oprah asked,
'Does my holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?'

George replied,
'No, …but the last time I had sex with a black woman, she stole my wallet!'

Read More...

Fwd: Jokes of the Day -

Jokes of the Day -

INTRODUCTION:
Criticism is prejudice made plausible.
-Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)

I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad,
But
When I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance...
She leaned over and pushed me.

Indiana, Terre Haute Law
No one may spit on the sidewalk.

A man gets on a plane and takes his seat, only to realize that the
occupant of the seat next to him is a parrot.
The plane takes off and after some minutes a stewardess approaches.
"Can I get you anything, sir?" she asks the man.
"Yes, I'll have a coffee, please, when you have a minute. Thank you".
"And for you, sir?" she asks the parrot.
"A double whisky and coke, bitch, and make it quick, I'm thirsty!"
demands the parrot.
The stewardess returns a few minutes later with the parrot's drink,
which he snatches without a word.
"Excuse me," says the man, "but I ordered a coffee".
"Did you, sir? I'm sorry, I'll get you one straight away".
By which time the parrot has finished his drink.
"Anything else for you, sir?" the stewardess asks the parrot.
"Yeah, I want another double whisky and coke, tart. Quick, bitch, I
can't wait all night!"
Again the stewardess returns with the parrot's drink and without the coffee.
Naturally, the man thinks the only way he is going to get any service
is to adopt the attitude of his fellow passenger.
"Listen here you stupid slapper," he says to the stewardess, "I want
my bloody coffee and I want it now, you cow!"
Two minutes later the stewardess returns, but this time with two
enormous security guards, who proceed to manhandle the man and the
parrot to the back of the plane, open the door and eject them from the
plane.
As they hurtle uncontrollably towards earth from 35,000 feet, the
parrot turns to the man and says,
"You're a bit of a lippy bastard for someone who can't fly, aren't you!"

Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together,
it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat.
He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.
So, one day out on the lake he said to his wife,
"Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack.
You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."
So, she drove the boat to shore and safely docked it.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her
husband was watching television.
She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him,
"Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack
and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."

The printing of newspapers, magazines and books offer limitless
possibilities for error, human and mechanical.
When goofs do occur, editors scurry to print corrections, even though
we often prefer the misprint to the corrected version.
Here just a few samples:
IMPORTANT NOTICE:
If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our
Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8,
line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."

It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day.
In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

From a California bar association's newsletter:
Correction --
The following typo appeared in our last bulletin:
"Lunch will be gin at 12:15 p.m."
Please correct to read "12 noon."

There are two important corrections to the information in the update
on our Deep Relaxation professional development program.
First, the program will include meditation, not medication.
Second, it is experiential, not experimental.

Our article about Jewish burial customs contained an error:
Mourners' clothing is rent, that is, torn -- not rented.

In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady
was misidentified.
His nickname in the department is "Dewey."
Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo."
We apologize for our mistake.

Three convicts on their way to prison, were each allowed to take one
item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turns to another and says,
"So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulls out various tubes of artist paints and
explains that he intends to paint anything he could.
His ultimate dream is to become the Leonardo Di Vinci of prison.
Then he asks the first,
"So what did you bring?"
The first convict pulls out a deck of playing cards and says,
"I brought a deck of cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and all
sorts of games."
The third convict just sits quietly while grinning to himself.
The other two convicts notice his arrogance and ask.
"So what did you bring, that your sitting there so smug?
The third guy digs into his suitcase, and pulls out a box of tampons,
smiles and says,
"I brought these."
Now puzzled, the other two ask,
"And just what do you think your going to do with them"?
He grins, points to the box and says,
"It reads here on the box, that I can go horseback riding, swimming,
roller-skating and do many other activities...."


SELF-EVIDENT TRUTHS ABOUT PETS
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it
look like the dog did it.
Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a
good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever.
Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will
wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Dog's have owners.
Cat's have staff.
Dogs believe they are human.
Cats believe they are God.
Dogs shed, cats shred.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your
pocket then giving Fido only two of them.
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a
dog, it's too dark to read.
I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never
forgotten this.
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful.
People that hate cats will come back as dogs in their next life.
We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it
from their point of view:
Why do humans keep urinating into their water bowls?

Read More...

Fwd: Confessions of a hooker

Confessions of a hooker

A couple were lying in bed together on the
morning of their tenth wedding anniversary
when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is
such a special occasion, I think that it is time I
made a confession: Before we were married
I was a hooker for eight years.'

The husband ponders for a moment and then
looks into his wife's eyes and says, 'My love,
you have been a perfect wife for ten years!
I cannot hold your past against you, maybe you
could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice
up our sex life a bit?'

She said, 'I don't think you understand, my name
was Brian and I played rugby for Wales

Read More...

Fwd: Marriage

When you are in love,
Wonders happen.
But once you get married,
You Wonder, what happened.

Philosophy of marriage :
At the beginning,
every wife treats her husband as GOD..

Later,
somehow don't know why..
alphabets get reversed..

Secret formula for married couples...
"Love One Another"

And if it doesn't work, bring the last word in the middle.!!!!



A drunk man arrives late at home.
He knows his wife won't open the door, so he decides to pretend

he bought her flowers knocks at the door. .
Wife: Who is it ?
Drunk: I bring flowers for the pretty lady. .
Wife opens the door says: Where are the flowers ?
Drunk: Where is the pretty lady ?

Read More...

Fwd: JEWISH COMEDIANS

JEWISH COMEDIANS

Some of You may not remember the old-time Jewish comedians:
Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and
many others?
You may have only heard of them. But some of us miss their kind of humor.
Not a single swear word in their comic routines as shown below and you
don't have to be Jewish to enjoy a good laugh.

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you
comfortable? " The man says, "I make a good living."

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds
out, she'll kill me!

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The
thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls
it the Dead Sea .

* My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the
mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his
bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came
back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See!
What did I tell you?"

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc,
how do I stand? "The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been
brought here for drinking. "The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

*Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like
Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is
because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now

*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In
Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it
graduates from law school.

Q : Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A : Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

*Q : Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A : It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."

*Q : Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A : They never let anyone finish a sentence

*A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?" Not too
good," said the mother. "I've been very weak "The son said, "Why are
you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days. "The son
said,
"That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? "The mother answered,
"Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."

*A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two
choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.

*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a
part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play
the part of the Jewish husband. "The mother scowls and says, "Go back
and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A : Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A : (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a
nuisance to anybody."

A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his
birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says,
"What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue one?"

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the
street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force
yourself," she replied.

Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A : Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q : Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A : Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.

Read More...

Fwd: Book Report - Priceless

Book Report - Priceless

Students at a local school were assigned to read two books,
'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the
proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: cost - $29.99
Clinton: cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love,
and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love,
and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

Read More...

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Fwd: THINGS YOUR BURGLAR WON'T TELL YOU....Please read


 
THINGS YOUR BURGLAR WON'T TELL YOU....

Read all the way to the end. You just might learn something that will save your home from being burglarized.    The Burglar says-   1. Of course I look familiar. I was here just last week cleaning your carpets, painting your shutters, or delivering your new refrigerator.

2. Hey, thanks for letting me use the bathroom when I was working in your yard last week. While I was in there, I unlatched the back window to make my return a little easier.

3. Love those flowers. That tells me you have taste... and taste means there are nice things inside. Those yard toys your kids leave out always make me wonder what type of gaming system they have.

4. Yes, I really do look for newspapers piled up on the driveway. And I might leave a pizza flyer in your front door to see how long it takes you to remove it..

5. If it snows while you're out of town, get a neighbor to create car and foot tracks into the house.. Virgin drifts in the driveway are a dead giveaway.

6. If decorative glass is part of your front entrance, don't let your alarm company install the control pad where I can see if it's set. That makes it too easy.

7. A good security company alarms the window over the sink. And the windows on the second floor, which often access the master bedroom - and your jewelry. It's not a bad idea to put motion detectors up there too.

8. It's raining, you're fumbling with your umbrella, and you forget to lock your door - understandable. But understand this: I don't take a day off because of bad weather.

9. I always knock first. If you answer, I'll ask for directions somewhere or offer to clean your gutters. (Don't take me up on it.)    10. Do you really think I won't look in your sock drawer? I always check dresser drawers, the bedside table, and the medicine cabinet.

11. Here's a helpful hint: I almost never go into kids' rooms.

12. You're right: I won't have enough time to break into that safe where you keep your valuables. But if it's not bolted down, I'll take it with me.

13. A loud TV or radio can be a better deterrent than the best alarm system. If you're reluctant to leave your TV on while you're out of town, you can buy a $35 device that works on a timer and simulates the flickering glow of a real television. (Find itathttp://www.faketv/.com/)        8 MORE THINGS A BURGLAR WON'T TELL YOU:
1. Sometimes, I carry a clipboard. Sometimes, I dress like a lawn guy and carry a rake. I do my best to never, ever look like a crook.

2. The two things I hate most: loud dogs and nosy neighbors.

3. I'll break a window to get in, even if it makes a little noise. If your neighbor hears one loud sound, he'll stop what he's doing and wait to hear it again. If he doesn't hear it again, he'll just go back to what he was doing. It's human nature.

4. I'm not complaining, but why would you pay all that money for a fancy alarm system and leave your house without setting it?

5. I love looking in your windows. I'm looking for signs that you're home, and for flat screen TVs or gaming systems I'd like. I'll drive or walk through your neighborhood at night, before you close the blinds, just to pick my targets.

6. Avoid announcing your vacation on your Facebook page. It's easier than you think to look up your address. Parents: caution your kids about this. You see this every day.    7. To you, leaving that window open just a crack during the day is a way to let in a little fresh air. To me, it's an invitation.

8. If you don't answer when I knock, I try the door. Occasionally, I hit the jackpot and walk right in.    Sources: Convicted burglars in North Carolina , Oregon , California , and Kentucky ; security consultant Chris McGoey, who runs http://www.crimedoctor.com/ and Richard T. Wright, a criminology professor at the University of Missouri-St Louis, who interviewed 105 burglars for his book Burglars on the Job.
 
Protection for you and your home:
If you don't have a gun, here's a more humane way to wreck someone's evil plans for you.    WASP SPRAY A friend who is a receptionist in a church in a high risk area was concerned about someone coming into the office on Monday to rob them when they were counting the collection. She asked the local police department about using pepper spray and they recommended to her that she get a can of wasp spray instead.

The wasp spray, they told her, can shoot up to twenty feet away and is a lot more accurate, while with the pepper spray, they have to get too close to you and could overpower you. The wasp spray temporarily blinds an attacker until they get to the hospital for an antidote. She keeps a can on her desk in the office and it doesn't attract attention from people like a can of pepper spray would. She also keeps one nearby at home for home protection... Thought this was interesting and might be of use.
FROM ANOTHER SOURCE: On the heels of a break-in and beating that left an elderly woman in Toledo dead, self-defense experts have a tip that could save your life.

Val Glinka teaches self-defense to students at Sylvania Southview High School . For decades, he's suggested putting a can of wasp and hornet spray near your door or bed.
Glinka says, "This is better than anything I can teach them."
Glinka considers it inexpensive, easy to find, and more effective than mace or pepper spray. The cans typically shoot 20 to 30 feet; so if someone tries to break into your home, Glinka says, "spray the culprit in the eyes". It's a tip he's given to students for decades. It's also one he wants everyone to hear. If you're looking for protection, Glinka says look to the spray.

"That's going to give you a chance to call the police; maybe get out." Maybe even save a life.  
CAR KEYS:
Put your car keys beside your bed at night.
Tell your spouse, your children, your neighbors, your parents, your Dr.'s office, the check-out girl at the market, everyone you run across. Put your car keys beside your bed at night.

If you hear a noise outside your home or someone trying to get in your house, just press the panic button for your car. The alarm will be set off, and the horn will continue to sound until either you turn it off or the car battery dies. This tip came from a neighborhood watch coordinator. Next time you come home for the night and you start to put your keys away, think of this: It's a security alarm system that you probably already have and requires no installation. Test it. It will go off from most everywhere inside your house and will keep honking until your battery runs down or until you reset it with the button on the key fob chain. It works if you park in your driveway or garage. If your car alarm goes off when someone is trying to break into your house, odds are the burglar/rapist won't stick around. After a few seconds all the neighbors will be looking out their windows to see who is out there and sure enough the criminal won't want that. And remember to carry your keys while walking to your car in a parking lot. The alarm can work the same way there. This is something that should really be shared with everyone. Maybe it could save a life or a sexual abuse crime.

P.S.
I am sending this to everyone I know because I think it is fantastic. Would also be useful for any emergency, such as a heart attack, where you can't reach a phone. My Mom has suggested to my Dad that he carry his car keys with him in case he falls outside and she doesn't hear him. He can activate the car alarm and then she'll know there's a problem.

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Monday, April 07, 2014

Fwd: HARRY THE EAGLE

Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling
of 10 glorious years.

After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her.
She had been shot dead!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he
decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't
any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought
her back to the nest.

The sex was good but all the dove would say is .......... 'I am a
DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the
nest and flew off once more to find a mate..

He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again
the sex was good but all the loon would say is........

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out
with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous
duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was
great, but all the duck would say was.....






NO, The duck didn't say THAT!

... Don't be SO disgusting!



The duck said....


'I am a DRAKE,
You made a MISTAKE!!

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