Sunday, May 30, 2010

An Aussie Story

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the
emu, 'What's yours?'


'Sounds great, I'll have the  same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be
$9.40  please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A
hamburger, chips and a coke.'

The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress..

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a
salad,' says the man..

' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me
mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your
pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says  the  truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out
the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie
appeared and offered me two wishes.


My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there.' says the man.

Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall
bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

Read More...

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

XX - Adult Puns!

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

Come to think of it, my Grandfather was right, Sex IS dirty --
But only if you do it right!

A sheik employed a track star to run from the palace to his harem,
which was about three miles away, to fetch one of his wives whenever
he was in the mood.
The sheik would nod and the track star would take off.
This event usually took place about three times a day until the runner
died at age 36.
The sheik lived to be 96.
The moral of the story is,
"Sex doesn't kill you...
it's the running after it that does."

Height of laziness:
A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest.

John meets Bill at the bar and he is looking somewhat sheepish and embarrassed.
Bill says,
"Hey John, whats wrong?"
John says,
"I received a party invitation last night and it plainly said 'Black Tie' only.
But when I got there, everyone was wearing suits too!"

A teacher asks an Arkansas redneck girl to use the word "handsome" in
a sentence.
She says,
"When I'm givin' head and my jaw gets sore, I use my handsome."

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist.
"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every
time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him.
And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And, no doubt, you want me to
strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."
"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman.
"I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

A guy went to his doctor and asked for a prescription for sex-lax.
"You mean 'Ex-lax,' don't you?" laughed the doctor.
"Hell no! I don't have trouble going, I have trouble coming!"

Some friends and I were visiting a nearby city for a football game and
one of the friends was drinking prior to and during the game.
By the time we went to dinner after the game he was "feeling no pain."
Our attractive waitress was wearing a low cut blouse and when she
asked him what he wanted he said,
"I want to get into your pants."
She replied,
"You'll have to wait your turn, sir, there's already one asshole in there."

The lesbian who took Viagra couldn't get her tongue back in her mouth
for a week.

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked
about having a son.. They decided to try one last time for the son
they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife:
'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'


Little Johnny came running into the house and asked,
"Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mother, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell,
"It's okay, Betty, we can play that game again!"

Good girls get fat,
Bad girls get eaten.

Two gays got into a heated argument, with one of them saying,
"Well, you can kiss my ass!"
The other one blurted out,
"This is no time to talk about romance, Bitch!"

A man's walking late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty bucks," she says.
He's never been with a hooker before, so he decides what the hell.
They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.
It's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people," asks the officer?
"I'm making love to my wife," he answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know," says the cop.
"Well, neither did I until you shined that light in her face."

"Muffin, I feel like making love tonight."
"Okay, I will let you, but be gentle this time."
"But I am always gentle with you, Dearest."
"That's not true.
The last time, you woke me up twice!"

Read More...

A little Risque

Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is
Restricted!


Signboard outside a prostitute's house:
Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...


New AIDS awareness slogan:
Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position
with different women.

Why is Sex like shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today.... tomorrow you'll
have to do it again...


Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.


Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Because 90% boys are right handed.


Q: What is the difference between a PANTY and a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When y ou pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when
you pull down the PANTY..... it is SHOWTIME!


Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later


Advantages of having an affair with a married women..
They give like hell.
They do not yell.
They do not tell.
They do not swell and there is no wedding bell!

Read More...

Friday, May 21, 2010

XX - Adult Puns!

A young blonde, having just returned from a great week-long vacation
in South America, walked into the local bank and asked about
exchanging currency.
The teller said he would try to help her.
After she plopped a huge wad of bills onto the counter, the teller
then counted it, made a phone call, and returned to count out $27.18.
The wide-eyed woman gasped.
"You mean to tell me that's all I get for that mountain of bills?"
"I'm afraid so Miss," replied the teller,
"That's the current rate of exchange according to our foreign exchange section."
"Good Grief!" she hissed, "and I gave that cheap skunk breakfast, too!"

Everyone was surprised when fastidious, virginal Percy lispingly
announced his attention to wed.
"What, you, Percy?" was the amazed reaction.
Some skeptics made bets that he wouldn't go through with it, but Percy
fooled them.
He even went on a honeymoon.
Upon his return, one of the losers bitingly asked,
"Well, is your wife pregnant?"
"Goodness, I certainly hope so," said Percy with great sincerity.
"I wouldn't want to go through THAT again!"

A sergeant and two men from his platoon went to a tavern near the base
one night.
The sergeant asked an attractive army nurse to join him in a game of pool.
The nurse said,
"I would rather play with your privates."

The young doctor was taking his wife out one evening, when a pretty
girl smiled and spoke to him.
The wife scenting an earlier love affair, inquired:
"Who is the lady, dear?"
"Oh, just a girl I have met professionally."
"No doubt," meowed the wife, "but whose profession? Yours or hers?"

Bell-Ringers pull it themselves

Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer...
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new
meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good
old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.

The difference between a blonde and a light bulb is the light bulb is smarter,
But the blonde is easier to turn on.

One day a co-worker told my friend, Dan, that she was going home early
because she didn't feel well.
Since Dan was just getting over something himself, he wished her well
and said he hoped it wasn't something he had given her.
A fellow worker piped up,
"I sure hope not. She has morning sickness."

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said:
Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

Horowitz was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home.
He walked into the house and found his wife Fanny in the arms of another man.
He started to yell at the interloper,
"What right have you got to be making love to my wife?"
The man answered calmly,
"You may as well know that I am in love with Fanny and I would like to
marry her.
I understand you're a gambler.
Why don't you be a good sport and sit down and play a game of gin rummy with me?
If I lose, I'll never see her again; if you lose, you must agree to
divorce her.... Okay?"
"Okay," replied Horowitz, "but just to make it a little more
interesting, why don't we play for a dollar a point?"

What came first, the chicken or the egg?
Probably the rooster.

Read More...

YOU tell 'um girl!

He Said To Me!

He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got
nothing to put in it
I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I
sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money
I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him ... . They don't have time.

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,
caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . .. A widow.

He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge
and go to bed.

Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Read More...

Thursday, May 20, 2010

XX - Adult Puns!

A husband is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a
coma for several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left
breast instead of just talking to her.
While doing so, the wife lets out a sigh.
Pleasantly surprised, the husband runs out and tells the doctor.
"That is a good sign," suggests the doctor, "Why don't you try rubbing
her right breast to see if there is any reaction."
The husband returns to his wife's bedside and rubs her right breast
which brings a moan from his wife.
He rushes out again and tells the doctor.
The doctor thinks this is amazing and could perhaps be a real break through.
The doctor then suggests the man return to her bedside and perform oral sex.
More than happy to accommodate, the husband returns to his wife's
bedside to do his deed.
Some five minutes later, the husband comes running from his wife's
bedside screaming for the doctor.
"What's going on?" asks the doctor.
The husband yells,
"My wife s topped breathing!"
"What happened?" asks the doctor.
"Everything seemed to be looking good a few minutes ago."
The husband replies,
"She choked."


At the brothel, the man made a joke about each potential bedmate in
turn until one slapped him in the face.
"I'd like her," he said to the Madam.
"What on earth was that all about?" she asked.
"Well, it's the only piece of advice my father gave me.
He said,
'Screw 'em if they can't take a joke.'"

"Never make love on an empty stomach," admonishes a young woman we know.
"Take him out to dinner first."

The prayer meeting was really jumping.
The pastor asked for those who wanted to witness to get up and speak.
A man stood and shouted,
"I have lusted in my heart!"
The pastor said,
"Tell it all, Brother. Tell it all!"
The brother said,
"I have been a slave to the demon alcohol!"
The pastor said,
"Tell it all, Brother! Tell it all!"
The brother said, "I have been unfaithful to my dear wife!"
Again the pastor said,
"Tell it all, Brother! Tell it all!"
The brother said,
"I have screwed a goat!"
The pastor said,
"I wouldn't have told that, Brother!"


A college student picked up his date at her parents home.
He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.
Once at the fancy place, to his dismay she ordered almost every most
expensive item on the menu.
She ordered appetizers, everything from calamari to escargot, lobster,
prime rib, champagne, crepes suzette, the works!
Finally, he asked her,
"Does your mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she answered, "but my mother isn't expecting to have sex with me
later tonight."

For a trip without the kids,
Take LSD with your birth control pill

The husband was furious when he found out the checking account was empty.
When he confronted his wife, she simply said,
"It's my turn."
"What do you mean, YOUR turn?" yelled the husband.
"In bed," she explained, "you've been making early withdrawals for years.
Now, it's my turn."

A blonde with a dollar bill over her head is all you can eat under a buck.

Read More...

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

THE AFFAIR

A man returns home a day early from a long weekend of golf.
It's after midnight.
While on route home he asks the cabbie if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch
her in the act. For $100, the cabbie agrees..


Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabbie tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and here is
his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season rugby tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly rent!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabbie and says, 'What would you do?'
The cabbie replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."

Read More...

Monday, May 17, 2010

Indian taxi driver

A naked and drunken woman boards taxi in London one night.
The Indian driver keeps staring, and does not start the taxi.
Woman: "Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
Driver: "I'm not staring at you lady….
Just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me"

Read More...

XX - Adult Puns!

When the queen bees all buzz through the trees,
They consort with whomever they please.
They're promiscuous queens,
So you know that it means
That their offspring are called sons of bees.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
"I don't know why you're shaking, she's gonna eat me!"

"What is the difference," a woman asked a keeper during a visit to the
Zoo, "between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine
?"
"The principal difference between them Miss," the attendant replied,
"is that the North American species has a longer prick."
The woman fled in distress and anger to the Administration Building
where the Chief Curator attempted to mollify her.
"I apologize for my staff Miss," he said. "It was an unfortunate
choice of terms.
What the keeper should have said is that the North American porcupine
has a longer quill. Their pricks are exactly the same size."

If they bring:
Shrimp home on shrimp boats,
Fish home on fish boats, and
Clams home on clam boats,
What do they bring crabs home on?
The Captains Dinghy!

Sally was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage.
She was gone several days but finally she returned.
Her friend, Liz, had never seen Sally looking so sad.
Liz said,
"Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days.
Glad you got back okay, but you look so sad.
Why?"
Sally replied,
"Because I just can't get a man."
Liz said,
"Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."
"Don't be so silly, Sally said, "I know that. I went in the woods
because I needed something there that would get me a man.
But I couldn't find it."
Liz said,
"I don't understand what you're talking about."
Sally replied,
"Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls.
I took some dead mice and a bird cage."
"So, how's that gonna help you get a man?" asked Liz.
Sally said,
"Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters.

"Relationships are hard.
It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one.
If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give
you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they
leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

Most men will never have a mid-life crises because they stay stuck in
adolescence.

A woman walked into a bank and requested a loan.
The loan officer gave her an application to fill out.
He looked it over when she had finished.
"And what is your profession?" he asked.
The woman paused for a moment and hesitantly answered,
"I'm a... A streetwalker."
The officer frowned and took off his glasses.
"Look, I know what you must be thinking," the woman said. "But come
on, give me a break! This bad economy is affecting everybody, even
those in my profession."
The loan officer remained silent, not quite knowing what to say.
"Have a heart," the woman concluded, "I just need a small loan so I
can get back on my back."

What is the relationship between
(1) a wino who throws his whiskey corks in the river,
(2) a bag-boy in a soft-drink store, and
(3) someone who stuffs his pant-legs inside his socks?
Respectively,
They are:
A cork soaker,
A Coke sacker, and
A sock tucker.

Confucius says,
"Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow
up to be shiftless bastard."

The young Swedish au pair had been working for the couple for over a year.
While pleasant and hardworking, the girl still struggled with English.
One day, she informed the lady of the house, that her boyfriend in the
Army was coming for a visit.
"That's wonderful. How long is his furlough?"
"Oh... Yust the same as husband's yours, but a little bit thicker."

Love is a complicated machine, but sometimes a good screw can fix it!

Frank and his friend Al were strolling along a Brooklyn street, and
strangely, Frank seemed embarrassed and at a loss for words.
"What's eating you?" asked Al.
"Well," said Frank, "Something has been troubling me for days, and
maybe it's none of my business, but you and I've been buddies for
years, and I've simply got to tell you.
Last Saturday, I was in one of those houses of ill-repute and who do I
see in there but your wife.
I hate to say it, Al, but your wife is a prostitute."
"Oh, no!" answered Al, "she's no prostitute.
She's just a substitute; she's only there on weekends."

Read More...

Sunday, May 16, 2010

PUNS OF THE DAY.

A couple of rednecks drove their pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.
One sauntered into the office and said,
"Howdy. We need us some of them four-by-twos."
The clerk said,
"You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The redneck says,
"You maybe right. Hold on. I'll go check," and headed out back to the truck.
A minute or so later he ambles back in and says,
"Yep. That's it, I meant two-by-fours."
"Fine... How long do you need them?"
The redneck paused for a minute, scratched his beard, then said,
"Well now I'd better go check."
After awhile, he returned to the office and said,
"A long time. Ya see, we're gonna build us a house."

Swimming Pool:
A mob of people with water in it.

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his
cousins shot him. "Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time
drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said,
'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"

The decision to shoot more wolves caused howls of protest.


Apocryphal:
Hippety-hop to the corner shop for APOCRYPHAL of candy

One rainy morning, my mother went for her daily run.
As she returned to the house, she slipped and fell, hitting her head
on the driveway.
I called the paramedics.
When they arrived, they asked my mom some questions to determine her
coherency. "What is today?" inquired one man.
Without hesitation, Mom replied,
"Trash day."

Whatever the judge ordered for lunch, made the jury gag.

A rock group on tour is motoring through Wyoming in its luxurious
recreational vehicle. Suddenly, their passage is obstructed by
hundreds of steers.
The musicians hail a cowboy and politely ask if they may drive through
in order to meet their concert date.
"No way," snaps the cattleman.
The rockers huddle to consider their options, then return to the
stubborn cowboy.
"We've got some really unusual grass," they offer slyly.
"Marijuana in suppository form."
The cowboy accepts the bribe and reins in the animals long enough to
allow the group's bus to proceed.
Moral:
A herd in the band is worth boo in the tush.

Old hypochondriacs never die,
They just lose their grippe.

The custodian of a church quit and the pastor of the church asked the
young church organist if she would be able to also do the job of
cleaning the church sanctuary.
The organist thought for awhile before she answered,
"Do you mean that I now have to mind my keys and pews?

Warning Labels:
Microwave popcorn, packaged so that the directions cannot be read
unless you open the plastic and unfold it:
"Direction #1:
Remove plastic."

A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work, and everyone was
encouraged to bring their children.
All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three -year-old girl
stared at the man sitting across from her.
The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.
The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in
place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him.
He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him.
He asked her,
"Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went
quiet for her response.
The little girl said,
"I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"

Read More...

X -The Prisoner concept...

A Newly Wed Couple

 The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't
 know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
 "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
 prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put
 the prisoner in the prison.
 And then they made love for the first time.
 Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with
 satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems
 to have escaped."
 Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
 After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
 the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives
 him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
 The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recent
 born.
 Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.. She nudges him
 and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
 Limply turning his head, He yells at her,
                          V
                          V
"For God's sake, its not a
 F****** life sentence, OKAY!

Read More...

Friday, May 14, 2010

Puns of the Day.

After telling the customs agent he had nothing in his bags but
clothing, Mark was alarmed when the official decided to open them up
and check.
In the very first one she opened, cushioned between his socks was a
bottle of cognac. "Nothing to declare but clothing, huh?"
"Right," Mark extemporized. "That, madam, is my nightcap."

Capitulate:
Put on the lid after the steak sauce gets on the tablecloth.

After meeting with the boss, the head salesperson mustered the troops.
"People," she said, "I've just been informed that we're going to be
having a fire sale."
"A fire sale" spoke up one agent. "But we sell insurance."
"I said a fire sale, and I meant it," she replied. "It's quite simple really:
Anyone who doesn't make a sale gets fired."

Chickens are the only animals you eat before they are born and after
they are dead.

Out in the back country it's very difficult for ranchers camping out
to pick up TV signals so some of them have come up with an innovative
way to address the problem.
Conscious of staying slim, they've already using lots of frozen
low-calorie TV dinners on their trail rides, so they've discovered
they can bend and shape their left over foil trays to pick up TV
signals.
Of course, they call these contraptions by the same name the manufacturer does.
They're "saddle light dishes."

A student essay stated:
"The girl tumbled down the stairs and lay prostitute at the bottom."
In the margin of the paper, the professor commented:
"My dear sir, you must learn to distinguish between a fallen woman and
one who has merely slipped."

A man in Little Rock had a flat tire, pulled onto the side of the
road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car
and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he
turned around and went back.
He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied,
'I have a flat tire.'
The passerby asked,
'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded,
'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and
flares in the back.
I never did understand it neither

"Miss, would you help me?" a customer at a department store asked a
female clerk.
"I would like to purchase a birthday gift for my brother.
What do you suggest for a man who has everything?"
The clerk offered,
"My phone number?"

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.
So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down
to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the
distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in
a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at
the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she if OK.
She replies,
Yes.
He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to
him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by
painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said,
"For best results, put on two coats."

You can bet this flight service to the Orient from Northwest Orient
didn't count on its motto rephrased for a Club for glabrous men:
"Is This Any Way To Ruin A Hairline? You Bet It Is!"

A pastor was doing his children's sermon with all the youngsters down
front to hear the lesson.
He was discussing the story of Jonah.
He quoted the scriptures from Jonah 1 and 2:
"And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah
was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.
Then, Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying,
'I called to the Lord our of my distress and He answered me.'...
And the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land"
(Jonah 1:17; 2:2, 10).
When the pastor finished the quotation, he started trying to solicit
input from the youngsters to help him complete his mini-sermon.
He asked thoughtfully,
"What does the fish vomiting Jonah out on dry land indicate to us today?"
One of the youngsters spoke with great enthusiasm for the entire
congregation to hear,
"It proves that even a fish can't stomach a bad preacher!"

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will
kill the strongest man.

Read More...

TIMBUKTU, A VERY CLASSY POEM!

THE NATIONAL POETRY CONTEST HAD COME DOWN TO TWO ,
A YALE GRADUATE AND A REDNECK FROM EAST TEXAS. THEY WERE GIVEN A WORD,
THEN ALLOWED TWO MINUTES TO STUDY THE WORD AND COME UP WITH A POEM
THAT CONTAINED THE WORD.
THE WORD THEY WERE GIVEN WAS TIMBUKTU.

FIRST TO RECITE HIS POEM WAS THE YALE GRADUATE. HE STEPPED TO THE
MICROPHONE AND SAID:


"SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND,
TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO,
DESTINATION: TIMBUKTU."

THE CROWD WENT CRAZY! NO WAY COULD THE REDNECK TOP THAT, THEY THOUGHT.


AS THE REDNECK CALMLY MADE HIS WAY TO THE MICROPHONE AND RECITED:


" ME AND TIM, A' HUNTIN' WE WENT.
MET THREE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.
THEY WAS THREE, AND WE WAS TWO.
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU."

THE REDNECK WON HANDS DOWN!

Read More...

XX - Adult Puns!

The average male is 6 inches long, and the average female is 8 inches deep.
In New York City alone, there is over 2 miles of unused female around!

One of my wife's friends is a lesbian.
One day, we got to talking and I asked her did she ever wonder what it
would be like to have children.
She said it was the one thing she regretted about her sexual
orientation, that she might never be a mother.
She's a good-looking lady, and I said slyly that if she ever wanted to
be impregnated I'd be happy to help out, purely altruistically.
She shot me a death ray look, and told me with a curling lip that if
she ever decided to reproduce, it would be by artificial insemination.
"No problem," I replied, "If you want artificial, I'll tell you I love you."

"So you're happy with John, huh?"
"Absolutely!
He's good to me, and he's so sexy.
Before I met him, I thought sex was just for making babies and keeping
the landlord happy."


What does a blonde have in common with the United States Army?
They're open to any man between the ages of eighteen and thirty-five.

Paula and Steve got married.
They went to a hotel for the wedding night.
The following morning, Paula's closest friend came over and asked how
their wedding night went.
Paula told her,
"I'm just awfully tired, dead tired.
All night long it was up and down, in and out, up and down, in and out."
Her friend, misunderstanding her, was a bit shocked that she spoke so crassly.
Steve clarified by adding,
"Don't ever get a room next to an elevator!"

What two things in the air can make a Woman pregnant?
Her feet.

A horse and a rabbit were friends.
Every day they would roam the fields together.
One day, the horse fell into some quicksand.
He cried out,
"Rabbit, rabbit, help me".
The rabbit scampered away.
He returned with a red corvette.
He threw a rope to the horse, tied the other end to the bumper, drove
off and saved his friend from the quicksand.
The next day,,in the fields, Rabbit fell into an abandoned well shaft.
"Horse, horse, come quickly,
I cannot jump out, it is too deep.
I cannot swim.
I cannot climb out, it is too steep."
The horse straddled the well and lowered his penis into the shaft.
Rabbit grabbed ahold and was pulled out.
Horse had saved him.
The moral to the story is thus:
If you have a big long dick, you don't need a red corvette.

When I was 18 years old, I was going out with a 69 year old man.
Sexually we got along great 'cause the things he couldn't do anymore
were the things I didn't know about.


What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going!

Read More...

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Some humorous sign ads

Advertisement In A Long Island Shop: Guitar, for sale.......
Cheap....... .....no strings attached

Ad.. In Hospital Waiting Room: Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One
Lung At A Time!

Seen on a bulletin board: Success Is Relative. More The Success, More
The Relatives.

When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...I Gave Up Reading.

My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses.... He Drinks
Straight Out Of The Bottle.

You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When: Your Daughter Begins To Put On
Lipstick.. Or Your Son Starts To Wipe It Off.

Sign In A Bar: "Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please Pay In
Advance."

Sign In Driving School: If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't
Stand In Her Way.

Behind Every Great Man, There Is A Surprised Woman.

The Reason Men Lie Is Because Women Ask So Many Questions..

Getting Caught Is The Mother Of Invention.

Laugh And The World Laughs With You, Snore And You sleep Alone.

The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe
Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.

Sign At A Barber's Saloon In Detroit: We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business.

A Traffic Slogan: Don't Let Your Kids Drive If They  are Not Old
Enough Or Else They Will Never Be.

Sign In A Restaurant: All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has
Been Personally Passed By The Manager.

Sign On A Famous Beauty Parlor Window: Don't Whistle At The Girls
Going Out From Here. She May Be Your Grandmother !

Read More...

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

X - Bath night

A couple take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she
could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have
a bath but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire........

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she
said.. So the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman
filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was
surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair, and told
her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said,
"Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for
yourself.."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife
asked, "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there.
Do you have hairs?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked,
"Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"

Read More...

Gordon Brown Resigns

At last Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign.

His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a
railway locomotive after him. So a senior 'Sir Humphrey' went from
Whitehall to the National Railway Museum in York, to investigate the
possibilities.

"They have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a
specially-sought consultant told the top civil servant. "Mostly
freight locomotives though."

"Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a Prime Minister," said Sir Humphrey.

"How about that big green one, over there?" he asked, pointing to 4472.

"That's already got a name" said the consultant. "It's called 'Flying
Scotsman'."

"Oh. Couldn't it be renamed?" asked Sir Humphrey. "This is a national
museum after all, funded by the taxpayer."

"I suppose it might be considered," said the consultant. "After all
the LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the
company, and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower."

"That's excellent", said Sir Humphrey, "So that's settled then, let's
look at renaming 4472. But how much will it cost? We can't spend too
much, given the expenses scandal!"

"Well", said the consultant, "We could always just paint out the 'F'."

Read More...

New Alphabet

New Alphabet
A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float.
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now

The Alphabet

A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains,
Perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fi ssures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which we'd rather not mention.

H High blood pressure-We'd rather it is low;
I For incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory; we forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!


P for prescriptions. We have quite a few,
Just give us a pill and we'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting our fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in our ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.

W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X-ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year we are left here behind,
Z is for zest WE still have - in OUR minds.

We've survived all the symptoms, our body's deployed, and
We're keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed.

Read More...

International Relationships

 The Train Journey to cause an international incident

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a
French guy, an English bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young
blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the
sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the French guy has a bright
red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
The French guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she
slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That French guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed
and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The French guy thinks:
That English bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark - she tried
to slap him but missed and got me instead.

And the English bloke thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that French bastard again.

YES YES YES

Read More...

The Tax System (Explained in Beer)

 Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all
ten comes to £100...

If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go
something like this...

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay £1.
The sixth would pay £3.
The seventh would pay £7..
The eighth would pay £12.
The ninth would pay £18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay £59.

So, that's what they decided to do..

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the
arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball.

"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce
the cost of your daily beer by £20". Drinks for the ten men would now
cost just £80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So
the first four men were unaffected.

They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men?
The paying customers?

How could they divide the £20 windfall so that everyone would get his
fair share?
They realised that £20 divided by six is £3.33. But if they subtracted
that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man
would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's
bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle
of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out
the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

      And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).

      The sixth now paid £2 instead of £3 (33% saving).

      The seventh now paid £5 instead of £7 (28% saving).

      The eighth now paid £9 instead of £12 (25% saving).

      The ninth now paid £14 instead of £18 (22% saving).

      The tenth now paid £49 instead of £59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four
continued to drink for free. But, once outside             the bar,
the men began to compare their savings.

"I only got a pound out of the £20 saving," declared the sixth man.

He pointed to the tenth man,"but he got £10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a pound
too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!"

"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get £10 back,
when I got only £2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get
anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine
sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay
the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough
money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how
our tax system works.

The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the
most benefit from a tax reduction.

Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may
not show up anymore.

In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is
somewhat friendlier.

      David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
      Professor of Economics.

      For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
      For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

Read More...

PUNS OF THE DAY.

On her big day a mother imparts some advice to her daughter:
The three most important things to remember:
1) You walk down the aisle with your father
2) You stop when you get to the altar
3) You sing a hymn. And if you find that difficult to remember then
just recite to yourself...
"AISLE-ALTAR-HYMN. AISLE-ALTAR-HYMN. AISLE-ALTAR-HYMN"

What disease can you get from kissing birds?
Chirpes!
It's can a real disease, and it's untweetable.

It was a warm sunny morning near Chattanooga.
Mr. Forrester had just returned by train from closing the land deal
down in Atlanta, and his manager had assembled a crew of likely farm
hands.
The interview process would begin in about a half-hour and there must
have been fifty or sixty men milling about.
He mounted the dais at the edge of the field.
Looking out at the stable hands, shearers, and other labourers, he
took a breath and called out.
"How many of you are ready to make this the best darn farm east of Nashville?"
A cheer went up, and the arms waved in the air.
Maybe, it was more like eighty.
Forrester turned to the manager.
"Now that's what a call a good show of hands."

David, a  Jewish boy, and Mark, a Catholic boy, were having a conversation.
Mark said,
"I'm getting operated on tomorrow."
"Oh? What are they going to do?"
"Circumcise me!"
 "I had that done when I was just a few days old."
"Did it hurt?"
"Did it hurt! I couldn't walk for a year!"

After the funeral services had ended, the musical soloist lingered
around expecting to get paid.
The executor, realizing this, casually walked over to the wealthy
man's grave-site where the many flowers and decorative plants had been
displayed.
He calmly lifted one of these fancy decorations and handed it over to
her as payment for her contribution to the affair.
She was astonished to realize that this bit of greenery was, in fact,
a garland that had been crafted entirely of $100 bills.
Yes, indeed. It was a wreath of Franklins.

At the beauty parlour, I overheard the receptionist admit to another customer,
"I haven't taken my vitamins today. I'm walking around unprotected."
The customer commiserated with her.
"I haven't taken my Prozac today, Everyone's walking around unprotected."

An old man who'd lived frugally and was thought to be poor finally
died, and per the instructions in his will, his executor threw a
lavish party for all his friends and neighboors.
The funeral, too, spared no expense, with six rented horses pulling
the hearse, each horse bedecked with gardenias flown in at great
expense from a warmer climate.
Aretha Franklin was hired as the soloist at the funeral and again at
graveside, where, still in accordance with the instructions in the
will, the deceased was interred with six casks of the finest brandy.
"Who's paying for all this?" someone finally asked.
"There was a fund," the executor replied.
"He'd made provisions for it all... Lock, stock, and burial."

Each day, London policemen escort employees of the underground
transport system as they carry the receipts to the bank.
This ritual is known to tourists as the guarding of the change.

Two bees ran into each other.
One asked the other how things were going.
"Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really wet
and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any
honey."
"No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn
left and keep going until you see all the cars.
There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh
flowers and fresh fruit."
"Thanks for the tip" said the second bee and flew away.
A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first
bee asked,
"How'd it go?"
"Fine," said the second bee, "It was everything you said it would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulka," said the second bee, . ..
"I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

Show me a telephone operator and I'll show you a call girl.

Last October while in Philadelphia on a business trip, I took one
afternoon off to see the Liberty Bell and other historic sites
downtown.
Two young families were also in line to the see the sites and I
overheard an interesting conversation between two small boys, not yet
old enough to be in school.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy", replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied,
"My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind.", replied Tommy.

Read More...

Worms

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put in a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put in a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put in a jar of sperm.

The fourth worm was put in a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

First worm in alcohol - dead.

Second worm in the Cigarette smoke - dead.

Third worm in sperm - dead.

Fourth worm in soil - ALIVE.

So the Science teacher asked the class...

"What can we learn from this experiment?"

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said..

"As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms... "

Read More...

Monday, May 10, 2010

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2010...

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest  possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions:
Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection,
Make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish
And
You feed them for a day,
Teach a person to use the Internet
And
They won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky...
Not really good for anything,
But you still can't help but smile
  When you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
 Lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
 It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00
And
A substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid
To make the world weird.
Now, the world is weird
And
People  take Prozac
To make it normal....

And The Number 1 Thought For 2010 :
" Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers
What you do today,
Might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow"

Read More...

PUNS OF THE DAY

In the days before calculators, accountants were frequently unable to
get their debits to balance with their credits.
So, in order to overcome the discrepancy, they often created a bogus
account entitled "Taste" to store the unbalanced amount and allow the
books to balance.
Unfortunately, the government soon heard of this practice, and
declared a new law:
That there would, from this point on, be no accounting for Taste.

Old number theorists never die,
They just get past their prime.

When the newly ordained minister got married a day after graduating
theological school, his bride joked that the officiating minister was
kind a like the Lord as described in the Bible.
"How's that?" asked an attendee.
Replied the bride,
"He maketh me to lie down with green pastors."

I tried to learn how to drive a stick shift but couldn't locate the manual.

When asked by a young patrol officer,
"Do you know you were speeding"?
This 83-year-old woman talked herself out of a ticket by stating,
"Yes, but, I had to get there before I forgot where I was going".
"Makes perfectly good sense to me," said the officer and let her go
with a warning.

Committee:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

While waiting for a 7th Avenue bus downtown this morning, I noticed a
moderately-well-dressed young man standing by the marble wall of a
bank. Well, not quite standing.
He had arranged himself, facing the wall, feet spread apart, and
leaning at a goodly angle off vertical, his hands splayed against the
wall just over his head.
A flying buttress, as it were. I watched for a few moments, then strolled over.
"Isometric exercises?" I asked.
"No, sir. I had a dream last night that this wall is unstable and
needs someone to hold it up. So that's what I'm doing."
"Do you really think that if you let go, this wall will fall down?
That you are holding it up?"
"Yes," he replied, "I'm inclined to believe that."

At the beauty parlour, I overheard the receptionist admit to another customer,
"I haven't taken my vitamins today. I'm walking around unprotected."
The customer commiserated with her.
"I haven't taken my Prozac today, Everyone's walking around unprotected."

Now that the Ayatollahs run Iran, many of us probably do not remember
when the former ruler was the Shah of Iran.
The word "Shah" means King and the word for the First-Born-Male-Prince
and Heir-To-The-Throne is "Shan".
The recent Shah was a very powerful ruler, but there was some question
about the Heir's potential.
In fact, the young man was a fine young man in all respects, but one.
He was an epileptic and occasionally prone to seizures.
This was not incapacitating and could be controlled by medicines given
by a personal physician who was to be with the boy at all times.
On one sad occasion, however, the physician had to heed the call of
nature, and was absent for nearly fifteen minutes.
When he returned, he found that the boy had suffered a massive
seizure. As the physician was led off to be beheaded, he heard these
fatal words ringing in his ears,
"And where were you when the fit hit the Shan?"

Charles Dickens goes into a bar:
"I'd like a martini, please."
"Certainly, sir. Olive or twist?"

When I was a kid, my dad and I had a running joke.
If anyone asked what he did for a living, I always said,
"He's a sports mechanic. He fixes boxing matches and horse races."
Once I answered a teacher this way.
She flipped out and summoned my parents.
Dad calmed her down by explaining it was a joke.
"So, what do you do?" she asked.
Dad, a sales rep for a pharmaceutical company said,
"I sell drugs."

I used to be a transplant surgeon,
But my heart just wasn't in it.

Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Obama and tells him,
"Barack, I had a wonderful dream last night.
I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I
saw a banner."
"What did it say on the banners?"
Obama asks. Mahmud replies,
"UNITED STATES OF IRAN."
Obama says,
"You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or
not, last night I had a similar dream.
I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on
each house flew an enormous banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmud asks.
Obama replies,
"I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."

Read More...

XX - Adult Puns!

I have a very small apartment.
I've barely enough room to lay my hat and a few friends.

A concert pianist in Europe received a letter from his wife,
"Darling, while you're in Europe I want you to go out with no one except men.
And I'll do the same."

A blonde at a party, was telling her friend that she'd gone off men for life.
"They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good," she moaned.
"From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and tested
plastic companion," she said.
"What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend.
"That's simple," replied the blonde. "I'll just fake an orgasm as usual!"

Define "Crossbreeding":
When a priest gets a nun pregnent.


Scrawled on the wall in a unisex bathroom:
"My mother made me a whore"
Underneath that, someone had added:
"If I give her the yarn, will she make me one too?"

I'd love to recruit a bunch of porn stars to join me in a charity
event for world unity, because nothing would satisfy me more than all
of us coming together.

Read More...

Sunday, May 09, 2010

A Worldwide Survey by the UN!

The UN conducted worldwide survey. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"

        !
        !
        !

The survey was a huge failure, In Africa they didn't know what 'food'
meant, In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant, In Europe they
didn't know what 'shortage' meant, In China they didn't know what
'opinion' meant, In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution'
meant, In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant, And in
the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.

Read More...

Saturday, May 08, 2010

Dog for Sale

Excellent guard dog free to a good home.

Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug
pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for
him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by his Oriental street name,
Ho Lee Schitt.

Read More...

Friday, May 07, 2010

XX - Adult Puns!

A pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive
private school. On day one the whole family is there to see the little
blighter begin his first day at school. The grocer, his family in tow,
saunters into the principal's office and introduces himself thus:
"I am Sir Shortwait Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter
Miss Bates and my son Master Bates."
"Oh does he?" asks the bemused principal, "we will soon get him out of
that terrible habit."

The weather's been cool down in Florida, and everyone's got their
windows open and the A/C shut off for a change.
I was trimming some hedges and couldn't help but overhear my
neighbours, engaged in a real donnybrook of an argument.
The husband was as mad as hell, when he apparently just found out that
his wife had been cheating on him.
He shouted loudly at her,
"I will play second fiddle to no one!"
I almost lost it when I heard her scream back at him,
"Second fiddle? You're lucky you are even still in the band!"

My son majored in both Geology and Proctology.
And he still doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.

A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken.
The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after
finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the
excess blood.
She can't find one so she looks innocently at the guy, takes his
finger and sucks it.
The guy is so pleased he asks,
"Do you think I could have a urine test done?"

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
A blonde, bosomy cheerleader confessed to her priest that she often
had sex with her boyfriend in the front seat of his car.
"Now, my daughter," consoled the priest, "I'm sure if you think about
it, you'll know you've been doing something wrong."
"Yeah, I guess you are right," replied the cheerleader.
"Maybe it would be more comfortable in the backseat."

Women get minks he same way minks get minks.

Su Wong marries Lee Wong.
The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely
Caucasian baby boy. 'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new
parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, '
Well, two Wongs don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong.

The slogan for the Stealth Condom is:
"They'll never see you coming."

Read More...

Thursday, May 06, 2010

PUNS OF THE DAY!

On the Tin Man, I'm really not keen.
If you axe me, he's too squeaky-clean.
He's been oily to bed
And to rise, so it's said,
Ever since he was just a can-teen!


A mathematician was taking a walk in the park one warm spring day when
he came upon two snakes without offspring.
When he asked them why, they replied that they were adders, and could
not multiply.
A few months later, walking the same path, he again came upon the
snakes, but they had a brood of small snakes with them.
They explained that the rangers had made a log table, so they were
able to multiply by adding.

Warning Labels:
Package of Fisherman's Friend throat lozenges:
"Not meant as a substitute for human companionship."

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt that there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons,
So. He knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door, and the milkman said,
"I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5
gallons?"   The blonde said,
"I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take
a milk bath."
The milkman asked,
"pasteurised?"
The blonde said,
"No, just up to my breasts."

Beauty Parlour:
A place where women curl up and dye.

Ole was turning 88 and was overweight,
So, his doctor put him on a diet.
Doc:
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat
this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have
lost at least 5 pounds."
When Ole returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?" Ole nodded,
"I'll tell you though, by God, I thought I wuz gonna drop dead on dat 3rd day."
"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
Ole:
"Heck no, it wuz from all dat skipping!"

Alka-Seltzer's slogan was borrowed by an artist who specialized in 3-D painting:
"Plop, Plop, Fizz, Fizz -- Oh! What A Relief It Is!"

Nita's mother tried to scare Nita into responsible driving by showing
her a video of a car getting into a dreadful accident, crashing and
burning inside the Queens Midtown Tunnel.
As a result, though, Nita became totally unable to drive through
tunnels and would go out of her way to take the Triboro Bridge (way up
at 125th Street) even if she was heading for Midtown.
Finally, her doctor put her on tranquillizers, telling her,
"Take one whenever you know you're going to have to drive through the tunnel.
Nita was not one to be dependent on medicines.
Alarmed, she asked,
"Is there something serious wrong with me?
"Not at all," the doctor reassured her. "It's quite common. You're
simply suffering from car-pill-tunnel syndrome."

Lump Settlement:
What you get from Workman's Comp if you get hit on the head at work.

A teacher of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson
about the evils of liquor,
So. He produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass
of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe the worms closely," said the teacher, putting a
worm first in the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could
be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey.
It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a
doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the
teacher asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded,
"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.

I wanted to buy a CD player, but was completely perplexed by one
model's promotional sign.
So, I called the salesclerk over and asked,
"What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?"
He said,
"That means that this machine will read the digital information that
is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal."
"In other words," I said, "this CD player plays CDs."
"Exactly."

Read More...

XX - Adult Puns!

A student who had recently been diagnosed with multiple personality
disorder went to the campus medical centre.
"Doc," he said, "I think one of my personalities may be gay."
"And this is causing you discomfort?" the doctor asked.
"Yeah," the student replied. "It's kind of a pain in the ass."

Two sweethearts wanted to fly United on the way back to campus after
spring break,
But the flight attendant wouldn't let them.

A sixth grade science teacher asked her class,
"Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one in the class answered until a little girl stood up and said,
"You shouldn't be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going
to tell my parents, and they will go tell the principal, who will fire
you!"
The teacher ignored her and asked the class again,
"Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
This time a boy stood up, looked around nervously and said,
"The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is
the pupil of the eye." "Very good," the teacher said.
Then, she turned to the little girl and added,
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you're going to be very, very disappointed."

Men who make obscene phone calls have sexual hang-ups.

A little girl accidentally walks in on her father while he's getting dressed.
She points to his dick and says,
"Daddy, what's that?"
Not wanting to explain to her yet, he says,
"Uh, I can't tell you, it's a secret."
The little girl finds her mother and asks,
"What is that long thing between Daddy's legs?"
Her mother also doesn't want to explain sex yet, so she says,
"I don't know, he won't tell me."
A couple days later the little girl says to her mother.
"Mommy, I finally figured out what that thing between Daddy's legs is.
It's a *toothbrush! " "Why do you think that?" the amused mother asks.
"Because," the little girl says, "this morning I saw the maid sliding
it in and out of her mouth."

Two old dears having a coffee, one says to the other,
"Did you come on the bus",
"Yes", she replies, "but I made it look like an asthma attack"

A man was boarding a plane on his way back from visiting family over
the holidays when he heard another passenger shout to a man in the
crowd waiting to see him off,
"Good bye. Your wife was a great lay!"
After the plane was in flight, the first man walked over to the one
who had done the shouting and asked,
"Did I hear you correctly? Did you actually have the audacity to tell
that man his wife was a great lay?"
The other man shrugged his shoulders.
"It isn't really true," he said, "but I didn't want to hurt his feelings."

A man recovering from a heart attack asked his doctor how long he
should wait before having sex.
"You can have sex right away," the doctor answered, "but only with
your wife I don't want you to get too excited."

Mrs. Bellows is having her house painted and when Mr. Bellows arrives
home from work that day, he leans up next to the front door and leaves
his hand print.
The following morning, Mrs. Bellows approached Jack the Painter and ask him,
"Would you like to see where my husband put his hand last night?"
Jack replied,
"Look lady, I don't feel well, I'm tired and my Dick is sore from my
own last night's activities. Why don't you just make me a cup of tea
instead?"

A lesbian cocktail lounge is a Her-She Bar

Read More...

Sayings

 man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the
only thing in life!!

--Anonymous

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should
be happier than others.

--Oscar Wilde


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

--Scottish Proverb


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

--Sam Kinison
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Men have a better time than women; for one thing,
they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.

--H. L. Mencken


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding
her way back to home always.

--Anonymous

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our
anniversary? " She said,"Somewhere I have never been!" I told her,
"How about the kitchen?"

--Anonymous

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.

--Anonymous

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then
the mud fell off.

--Anonymous

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too
late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."

--Anonymous

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses
to get to married.
He says "the wedding rings look like minature
handcuffs... .."

--Anonymous
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after u
let him in!

--Anonymous

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to
die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain in is
more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A
child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then
replied "My wife's first husband."

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband
leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a coin .
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned
over too much, fell
into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned
for a while but then
smiled "It really works ! "

Read More...

Origin of the Internet

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of
Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from
town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving
thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"And Dot replied,
"I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send
messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you
which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and
delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with
the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever
moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete
himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And
the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical
Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were
going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up
every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums
that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken
over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be
known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.

Read More...

Publik Edukashun...

These are actual test answers from various schools
In the Huntsville, Alabama  metropolitan area.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

SOCIOLOGY
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

BIOLOGY
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?  (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax
and the abdominal cavity.
The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and
lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O,
and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A : A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport


ENGLISH
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A : Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A : Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

TECHNOLOGY
Q : What is a turbine?
A : Something an Arab wears on his head.

RELIGION
Q: What is a Hindu?
A : It lay eggs.

Read More...

XX - Adult Puns!

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style," asked the one?
"Well, not exactly," his friend replied,
"She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well, not exactly.I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying
home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

Did you hear about the restaurant that promotes safe sex?
They write the bill on a condom so you can wine and dine your date,
and then stick her with the bill.

A woman goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for
the toaster she bought because it doesn't work.
The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought
it on special.
All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,
"Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager.
The manager comes up to the woman and asks,
"What's wrong?"
She explains the situation with the toaster.
He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,
"Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
In shock, the store manager pleads,
"Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
In a huff, the woman says,
"Because, I like to have my breasts grabbed when I'm getting screwed!"
She got her refund!!

An old professor got up one morning feeling like a 20 year old student,
But he couldn't find one on campus who was awake that early.

Sam goes to a marriage counselor and says,
"My marriage isn't as much fun as it used to be. My wife is always tired".
The marriage counselor says,
"Do you still enjoy sex?
"As much as the next fellow" replied Sam.
The counselor says,
"Maybe between you and the next fellow, she's exhausted."

The two gay judges:
They tried each other.

A young virgin marries a Greek man and before the wedding her father
tells her that, being Greek, her husband may ask her to turn the other
way in bed one day, but that she doesn't have to do it if she doesn't
want to.
Sure enough, after a couple of months, her husband asks her to turn
over and she says "No, my father said I don't have to do this."
Her husband says
"OK, that's fine by me, but I thought you wanted children."

Use "Hoard" in a sentence::
My sister got into trouble because she HOARD around in school.

A guy walks in and sits down at a bar.
The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks,
"What in the world happened to you, buddy?"
The guy says
"Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore."
"Yeah," says the bartender,
"What did she do?"
"She hit me with her bag of quarters!"

You know you're staying in an Alabama hotel when you call the front
desk and say,
"I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says,
"Go ahead."

A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession:
"Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh.
Father Goodwim came to me and told me that I had the gates to Heaven
here between my legs.
Then, he said that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates."
"BASTARD!" cried the Mother Superior.
"For years he told me it was Gabriel''s trumpet and I have been blowing it."'

Read More...

PUNS FOR THE EDUCATED

1.  King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of
war with the Hittites.  His last great possession was the Star of the
Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.  "Don't you
know who I am?  I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference
who you are."

2.  Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers.  Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed
in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3.  A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor!  I
think I'm shrinking!"  The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down.
You'll just have to be a little patient."

4.  A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of
seagulls.  One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go
out and trap some more.  On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on
the road.  Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.
Immediately, he was arrested and charged with-- transporting gulls
across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

5.  Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts
wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the
cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses.  The new
compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico
rather than California .  This, of course, is the origin of the
expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

6.  A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the
toilets and urinals, leaving no clues.  A spokesperson was quoted as
saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

7.  An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin
strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite
off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.  After a
month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.
The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady
lingers on."

8.  The famous Viking explorer Leif Ericsson returned home from a
voyage and found his name missing from the town register.  His wife
insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized
profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

9.  There were three Indian squaws.  One slept on a deer skin, one
slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.  All
three became pregnant.  The first two each had a baby boy.  The one
who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.  This just goes to
prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of
the squaws of the other two hides.

10.  A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk
remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the
leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of
constipation.  When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo
looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like
these, you don't need enemas."

Read More...

Monday, May 03, 2010

XX - Adult Puns!

Two girlfriends are having a conversation about their boyfriends when
the first one says, "My boyfriend said he fantasized about having two
girls at once."
The other replies,
"Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?" I said,
"If you can't satisfy ONE woman, why would you want to piss off TWO?"

The evangelist was haranguing the crowd and carrying on and on about sin -
"The wages of sin are high." he bellowed.
A young man sitting in the back yelled out,
"Not if you can find somebody who'll do it for free."

Harold's lawyer is requesting the charges be dropped on the grounds
that Harold's relationships have all been moo-nogamous.

A pebble in your shoe like a form of birth control because it makes you limp.

A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out
of the second story window and lands squarely on his head.
Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door
and starts pounding on it.
An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.
The passerby asks,
"Who's in your upstairs room?"
The elderly man replies,
"I can't see how it's any of your business. But, since you must know,
my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."
The passerby hands him the used condom and says,
"Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell
out the window!"

Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
When it's a girl

An American business man visiting Helsinki has a hooker sent to his room.
When they are done, he says:
"I'm afraid my Finnish isn't very good."
The hooker says,
"Your foreplay isn't too hot either."

Read More...

Saturday, May 01, 2010

Superb - best for the month

Two bees ran into each other.
One asked the other how things were going.
"Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really wet
and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any
honey." "No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks
and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar
Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh
fruit."
"Thanks for the tip" said the second bee and flew away.
A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first
bee asked,
"How'd it go?"
"Fine," said the second bee, "It was everything you said it would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first.
"That's my yarmulka," said the second bee, "I didn't want them to
think I was a wasp."

Read More...

PUNS OF THE DAY...

A cute, secretary, none cuter,
Was replaced by a clicking computer.
'Twas the wife of her boss
Who put the deal across;'
You see, the computer was neuter.

Such a nice day out today.
I walked across the street to the town recreation area.
The proprietor of the local Chinese restaurant was setting up to do
some outdoor sales.
As he put it, a "great day for a wok in the park."

A new young bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs,
"Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a
misunderstanding."
"No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and
he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"
"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom.
"Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane
ticket." "Airplane ticket? What did you need an airplane ticket for?"
"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the
package and it said, 'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to
Alaska."

When the newly ordained minister got married a day after graduating
theological school, his bride joked that the officiating minister was
kinda like the Lord as described in the Bible.
"How's that?" asked an attendee.
Replied the bride,
"He maketh me to lie down with green pastors."

I have  been thinking about the times I used to spend fishing.
A favourite technique was to find a nice tall Ponderosa at the edge of a stream.
I would sit down in the shade and cast my line into one little eddy
after another.
I really enjoyed those days of casting swirls before pine.

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the
mess has been cleared up, an inquiry begins.
One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement.
"Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene - what
happened ?"
"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and
I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."
"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror,
"How long had he been with the company?"
"About 20 years, sir"
 "20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the
mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd
have done."
"It was, sir."

Read More...