Jokes, Quips and Funstuff .....www.jokehaus.com

Your space to post your happy stuff. Anything is acceptable except graphically or otherwise offensive material. Feel free to email the link ( www.jokehaus.com ) to your friends. Your content will be seen by many more and will be archived for a longer time (Check Archives for old material). You can email your material to meisterjoker@gmail.com.(We have removed the ability to email directly to the Blog due to spammers sending inappropriate material - but can provide it to you on request). Enjoy.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

MEN - WILL THEY NEVER LEARN

A farmer orders an expensive milking machine. He decides to test it on
himself first, so he inserts his manhood into the equipment and turns on the
switch.

Soon he realizes that the equipment provides him with more pleasure than his
wife does. But when the fun is over, he realizes that he cannot remove the
instrument from his tool, anxiously he reads the manual, but does not find
any useful information.

He tries every button on the instrument, without success. Finally the farmer
decides to call the customer hotline. "Hello, I just bought a milking cow
machine from your company, it works fantastic, but how do I remove it from
the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry sir", replies the customer service person, "the machine will
release automatically once it has collected two litres!"

FW: Blonde one!!! v.good blonde one!!!

MY WIFE, WHO IS BLONDE, CAME RUNNING UP TO ME IN THE DRIVEWAY, THE OTHER DAY, JUST JUMPING FOR JOY! I DIDN'T KNOW WHY SHE WAS JUMPING FOR JOY BUT I THOUGHT, WHAT THE HECK AND I STARTING JUMPING UP AND DOWN ALONG WITH HER.

SHE SAID, "HONEY, I HAVE SOME REALLY GREAT NEWS FOR YOU!"

I SAID, "GREAT. TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE SO HAPPY ABOUT."

SHE STOPPED JUMPING AND WAS BREATHING HEAVILY FROM ALL THE JUMPING UP AND DOWN, WHEN SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE WAS PREGNANT!

I WAS ECSTATIC! WE HAD BEEN TRYING FOR A WHILE, SO I GRABBED HER AND KISSED HER ON THE LIPS AND TOLD HER, "THAT'S GREAT! I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER!"

THEN, SHE SAID "OH, HONEY, THERE'S MORE."

I ASKED, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'MORE'?"

SHE SAID, "WELL, WE ARE NOT HAVING JUST ONE BABY. WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TWINS!"

AMAZED AT HOW SHE COULD KNOW SO SOON AFTER GETTING PREGNANT, SO I ASKED HER HOW SHE KNEW.

(you're going to love this part)

(really)

SHE SAID, "WELL, THAT WAS THE EASY PART. I WENT TO PAC-N-SAVE AND BOUGHT THE TWIN-PACK HOME PREGNANCY TEST KIT, AND BOTH TESTS CAME OUT POSITIVE!"

FW: HUMOUR - FREE DRINKS -xx

Larry and Steve wanted to go out drinking; they only had $2.00 between them.

Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large sausage.

Steve said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Larry replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

They went into the pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels.

Steve said, "Now you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!"

Larry replied, with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"

They downed their drinks.

Larry said "OK! I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth."

Said and done, the bar man noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth bar, Steve said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore.

My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"

Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third bar..

Blondie ....

A guy took his "blonde" girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just could not understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumb founded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

FW: the vet

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000.

It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful. What does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.

FW: Still joking

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I'm so sorry" the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you" she says.
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner, and afterwards they do to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful time.

The next morning she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know" he said "You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No" she replies

Wait for it...

It's coming...

The suspense is killing you isn't it?...

She says...

"You just happened to catch my eye"

(oh shut up and just forward it)

FW: : BRITISH REVOKE USA INDEPENDENCE

I thought this might make you smile - even those of you who are not normally the recipients or senders of jokes have been included – it is different

BRITISH REVOKE USA INDEPENDENCE

A very humorous approach to deal with the Pavlovian idiocy that represents a part of the American populace.
Enjoy

A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determinewhether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1 You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.??? Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide.??
?You will? be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2 The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".

3 Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels, (look up vocabulary).

4 Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5 There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "ize".
6 You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen.?? July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

7 You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

8 Guns should only be handled by adults If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone, or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9 Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10 All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11 All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect.

12 At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

13 The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

14 You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

15 The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16 Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors
to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

17 You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

18 Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not
played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

19 You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

20 An internal revenue agent (i.e.tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

--

Monday, October 30, 2006

A Historic Letter

Okhil Babu's letter to the Railway Department:

"I arrived by passenger train in Ahmedpur station and my belly was too much swelling with jackfruit. I therefore went to bathroom. While emptying this nuisance, guard made whistle blow for train to go off and I ran with 'lotah' in one hand and 'dhoti' in the next. I fell over and exposed all my shocking to man and female women on platform. Finally, I left Ahmedpur station.

This is too bad, if a passenger has to make dung, why that dam guard cannot wait train five minutes for him. I therefore pray your honour to make a big fine on that guard for the public sake. Otherwise, I am going to maka a big report to papers."

Okhil Chandra Sen wrote this letter to the Sahibganj divisional railway office in 1909. It is on display at the Railway Museum in New Delhi .

It was also reproduced under the caption "Travelers Tales" in the Far Eastern Economic Review. Any guesses why this letter was of historic value?

It apparently led to the introduction of toilets on trains

THE MAN FROM SOUTH CAROLINA

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good-looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row - too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man.
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Sunday, October 29, 2006

..the Greeks were already onto it....

Fwd: Schmuck

With No offense intended...........

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult
their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following
suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making
love have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife
fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man
and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and the
wife is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

"Okay," he says to the husband, "try it reversed. Have the young man make
love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow
the Rabbi's advice.

They go home and hire the same strapping young man. The young man gets into
bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to
work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking,
ear-splitting screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,
"You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel !!!"

Thoughts of a Senior Citizen......

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't have anything to
feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world was a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses
sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible... And I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up,
he'll never be able to merge his car onto the motorway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man
who can't get his pants off.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Miss Jumbo Queen of Thailand

In a nod to the upcoming Miss Universe pageant, a s pecial Miss Jumbo Universe prize was awarded to the heaviest contestant - Thanchanok Mekkeaw, a 25-year-old political science who was weighed on-stage at 182kg.Judges score the women not only on their performances and an interview, but on how well they exhibit the qualities of an elephant, something of a compliment in a country where the animals still have a respected role. Thailand 's total elephant herd population is nearly 5000, with up to 2000 of them in the wild. Experts have warned that the wild population could be wiped out within 15 years if no action is taken

Her Muslim Name

Seldom Bin Layed

How New York's most notorious party crasher got bounced

Sri Lankan takes the notoriety again...

On a sweaty July evening, a stylish crowd of New York cognoscenti cooled its heels at the Ziegfeld Theater, waiting for a private preview of Pirates of the Caribbean II. Suddenly, the quiet hum of conversation was broken by an angry altercation in the lobby.
"Don't you know who I am?" barked a perspiring, disheveled figure, as he elbowed his way to the front of the concessions line. Flashing a laminated pass, he began to chastize anyone who would listen,"You don't even know who I am. You have no idea." Finally, popcorn in hand, the nuisance stumbled down the aisle, dropped into a seat, and spilled his prize across the floor.
It was just another night out for Priyantha Silva.
Silva's not a celebrity. He's not particularly rich or handsome. In fact it's a safe bet you've never heard of him. But, to a growing number of security personnel around town, he's become an almost legendary figure: Priyantha Silva, party crasher.
Sri Lankan by birth, New York's most notorious interloper has ambushed every see-and-be-seen function the city has to offer, from fashion industry events and movie premieres to gallery openings, charity fundraisers, and corporate-sponsored product launches, from Bridgehampton polo matches to celebrity-studded Gucci galas. If there's a free cocktail to be consumed, chances are good that Priyantha Silva will find a way to get through the door and consume it. And while he's not the only one of his kind to make the New York party scene his playground (regulars like Shaggy, a perennially uninvited guest with Christopher Lloyd hair, are always lurking somewhere behind the velvet ropes), his loud white suits and tropical shirts make him the most conspicuous crasher on the circuit. To Silva, slipping past Manhattan's clipboard centurions appears to be a full-time job.

To continue ..... click on - here

Halloween Cat Bowling

Remember to use space bar & read directions!!!

Enjoy!! for those who have some time to spare,,,,

Click here ..

Wait for it to load , read instructions and then click Play Game

Few Dog tricks

This is cute and clever!!

click on the link ( the word here) and then TYPE IN a command and see what happens... sit,
roll over, down,
stand, sing, dance, shake, fetch, play dead etc. and...it's also very
cute if you type in a command that's not recognized...!!

make sure you type in "Kiss" too. but do it last.

Click here

Cow Economics

Emerging 'isms' of the new economy

INFOSYSism
You have a 1000 poor cows. You put them on a nice campus, & send them one at a time to the US for milking.

WIPROism
GE has a cow. You take 49% of the milk.

DELLism
Intel has a Goat. Samsung has a Camel. Buy milk from both & sell it as Cow's milk.

IBMism
You have old stubborn cows. You sell them as pet dogs to innocent small businessmen.

MICROSOFTism
You have a cow. Force the world to buy milk from you. Spend a million dollars to feed poorer cows.

INTELism
Microsoft makes horse shoes. You nail them to your cows & wonder why they don't run fast.

SUNism
You have a bull. It doesn't give milk. You hate Microsoft.

ORACLEism
You have a cow. You don't know which side to milk, so you sell tools to help milk cows.

SAPism
You don't have a cow. You sell milking solutions for cows implemented by milking consultants.

APPLEism
You have a cow. You sell iMilk.

SONYism
You have a cow. You spend $50 mn to develop the world's thinnest milk.

CITIBANKism
Welcome to Citibank. If you have a cow, press 1. If you have a bull, press 2...stay on line if you'd like our customer care to milk it for you.

HPism
You don't know if what you have is a cow. You sell complete milking solutions through authorised resellers only.

GEism
You have a donkey. People think you have a 100-year old cow. If someone finds out, that's his imagination at work.

RELIANCEism
You don't yet have a cow. You sell empty cans to people for Rs. 501, because Dhirubhai wanted everyone to have milk.

TATAism

You have a very old cow. You re-brand it as TATA Indicow.

Friday, October 27, 2006

The Leave Applications

· Infosys, Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows:

"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

· This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:

"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

· Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:

"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

· >From H.A.L. Administration Dept:

"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

· Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:

"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

· An incident of a leave letter:

"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

· A leave letter to the headmaster:

"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

· Another leave letter written to the headmaster:

"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

· Covering note:

"I am enclosed herewith..."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

· Another one:

"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

· Actual letter written for application of leave:

"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

· Letter writing:-

"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

· A candidate's job application:

"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

Another from a Pune based great:

As my eyes have come I will not come. Please leave me for three days.

Fwd: Political satire (fwd)

2008 DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION

7:00 P.M. - Opening flag burning.

7:15 P.M. - Pledge of allegiance to U.N.

7:30 P.M. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

7:30 till 8:00 P.M. - Nonreligious prayer and worship.
Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton.

8:00 P.M. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

8:05 P.M. - Ceremonial tree hugging.

8:15- 8:30 P.M. - Gay Wedding -- Barney Frank Presiding.

8:30 P.M. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

8:35 P.M. - Free Saddam Rally. Cindy Sheehan -- Susan Sarandon.

9:00 P.M. - Keynote speech. The proper etiquette for surrender --
French President Jacques Chirac

9:15 P.M. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

9:20 P.M. - Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden kidney
transplant fund

9:30 P.M. - Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from
Guantanamo Bay. Sean Penn

9:40 P.M. - Why I hate the Military,
A short talk by William Jefferson Clinton

9:45 P.M. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

9:50 P.M. - Truth in Broadcasting award presented to Dan Rather
by Michael Moore

9:55 P.M. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

10:00 P.M. - How George bush and Donald Rumsfeld brought
down the World Trade Center Towers -- Howard
Dean

10:30 P.M. - Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton
by Mahmud Ahmadinejad

11:00 P.M. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

11:05 P.M. - Al Gore reinvents Internet.

11:15 P.M. - Our Troops are War criminals -- John Kerry

11:30 P.M. - Coronation Of Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton.

12:00 A.M. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

12:05 A.M. - Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home

Mental ..

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what
the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub,
then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to
the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor.
"A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"Noooooo." said the Director,
"A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"

*******Scroll Down*******
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
DID YOU PASS THE TEST, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

Retirement dinner

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make
the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.

He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and passed on a sexual desease to another.

I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and loving people."..

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician.
"In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get
through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that
I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
travelling inAustralia ?"
Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
"If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering
wheel to the other side of the car?"

Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff
please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling
correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar
but the 'B' fell off".

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company
in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the
label; Woven in Scotland ".

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds
from a phone box told a worried operator:

"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window
to write the number on".

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have
done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and
I wrote 'click'".
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of
the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and
I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my
system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".

There's always one. This has got to be one of the
funniest things in a long time. I think this guy
should have been promoted, not fired This is a true
story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was
transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer
care department. Needless to say the Help Desk
employee was fired; however, he/she is currently
suing the Word Perfect organization
for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer
Support employee. (Now I know why they record these
conversations!

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance;
may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with
WordPerfect. "
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and
all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared. "
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor
around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it
won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it
that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light
that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor
and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug,
and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did
you notice that there were two cables plugged
into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back
there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if
it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on
something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the
right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light
I have is coming in from the window.
" Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power....... .. A power failure?
Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your
system and pack it up just like it was when you got it.
Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose.
What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid
to own a computer!!!! !"

Definitions...

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Little Johnny

Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me twenty dollars?" "Certainly not," she said. "If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop." His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money."Well? What did he say?"

"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'"

Women are clever. Don't mess with them

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grantyou three wishes."The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed tomention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wishfor, your husband will get Ten times of that"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in theworld.The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make yourhusband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women willflock to".The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautifulWoman and he will have eyes only for me."So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in theworld.And he will be ten times richer than you."The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's hisis mine."So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd likea mild heart attack!!"

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stophere and continue feeling good..

Male readers: Please scroll down

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're reallysmart.Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to showthat women never listen!!!(that is why you read it even after my advise to stop!)

Rules for the weaker sex...

1. If u think a girl is beautiful, she'll always have a boyfriend to confirm that 2. the nicer she is...the quicker u will be dumped!!!!! 3. The more the makeup, worse the looks... 4. "95% of the girls in this world are beautiful. Remaining 5% would always be in your college.".................100% true 5. The guy standing next to a beautiful girl can never be her brother. 6. If by any chance the girl you like , likes you too, she will let you know in about 10 years from now ,when you are committed.. 7. The more you ignore a girl, the more she'll want to be friends with you. 8. Theory of relativity...... The more u run towards a hot chick....the more she goes away from u... 9. Rule 1: Even if you got her out alone... just when you are about to let her know about your feelings...she will spot a long lost friend( I guess from Kumbh ka Mela) Corollary to rule 1: The more desperate you are to tell your feelings to a girl on a private chat, the more probability the long lost friend she discovered is a handsome superman, who beats you in everything 9:1 Axiom 1: The more dedicated you are to the girl, the longer it takes before things work out, but ultimately it will (some smile for the guys) 10. the day the chick you really like comes and speaks to you will be the day when- 1. You are dressed badly 2. You forgot to brush your teeth for the first time in your life 3. Have a bad hair day 11. all the good girls are either nuns or married .the rest go around with u and ruin ur money,health and leave u a total wreck. 12. the more seriously u like a girl...the more seriously her dad will hate u 13. the love you shower a girl with is directly proportional to the number of bullets her dad will be showering at you

Materialistic People

A woman parked her brand-new Lexus in front of her office ready to show it off to her colleagues. As she got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side.The woman immediately grabbed her cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the woman started screaming hysterically. Her Lexus, which she had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.When the woman finally wound down from her ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief."I can't believe how materialistic you women are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else.""How can you say such a thing?" asked the woman.The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.""OH MY GOD!" screamed the woman. "Where's my new bracelet?"

George Washington

Colin Powell was passing a portrait of George

Washington  in the White   House one day, when the

portrait came alive and asked    "Hey Nxxxxx(N word), get me

a horse!".

 Powell quickly rushed to Condeleeza Rice and told

her what happened.  Laughing, she nevertheless

accompanied Powell to the portrait.

As nothing happened for a few minutes, they were

turning away from the portrait, when the portrait

 came alive again and demanded "Hey, Nxxxxx's(N word), where

is my horse?  ".

Both Rice and Powell rushed to George Bush, who,

 laughing, nevertheless accompanied them to the

portrait.

 When nothing happened for a few minutes, they were

turning away from the portrait, when Washington once

 again came alive, threw up his hands and exclaimed

"Typical Nxxxxx's (N word), I ask for a horse and they bring

me a jackass!"

Stangers on my Flight

Click on the word here (with sound) - here

Frankie at his best ...

Strangers on my flight,
turbans they're packin'.
Wonderin' if they might,
plan a hijacking.
They could pull a stunt,
before this flight is through.

Something's on their minds.
I saw them mutter.
What that in their hands?
Looks like box cutters,
I'm gonna kick some ass,
if they make a move.

Strangers on my flight.
Two smelly people,
and they're not talking right;
and in a moment,
I will grab base ball bat;
and that will be that.
Swing like Joe DiMaggio,
and rip them both a new a-hole.

And if they pick a fight,
and try to screw us,
I'll punch out their lights,
just like Joe Louis.
It would feel so right,
for strangers on my flight.

Ratta Tat Tat Tat,
Budda Bing Bang Boom,
Zooma Zooma Zoom.

Send those bastards to the moon..

Fancy that ...

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Available at the nearest Walmart

Your dream mirror ...

Live a little

A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Target. She must have
been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of
innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the
top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to
flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just inside
the door of the Target.

We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their
hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound
and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world.
Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a
welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.

The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all
caught in, "Mom, let's run through the rain," she said.

"What?" Mom asked.

"Let's run through the rain!" She repeated.

"No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit," Mom replied.

This young child waited about another minute and repeated, "Mom, let's run
through the rain."

"We'll get soaked if we do," Mom said.

"No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning," the young girl
said as she tugged at her Mom's arm.

"This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get
wet?"

"Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you
said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!'"

The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear anything
but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few
minutes.

Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some
would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore
what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's
life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into
faith.

"Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If God let's
us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing," Mom said.

Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they
darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping
bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed
by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.

And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.

Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can
take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can
ever take away your precious memories... So, don't forget to make time and
take opportunities to make memories everyday. To everything there is a
season and a time to every purpose under heaven.
I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate
them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them. Send this
to the people you'll never forget and remember to also send it to the
person who sent it to you. It's a short message to let them know that
you'll never forget them.

Take the time to live!!!

Keep in touch with your friends, you never know when you'll need each other
-- and don't forget to run in the rain!

Illegal Immigrants Poem

I cross ocean, poor and broke.
Take bus, see employment folk.
Nice man treat me good in there.
Say I need to see welfare.

Welfare say, "You come no more, we send cash right to your door."
Welfare cheques - they make you wealthy! NHS - it keep you healthy!

By and by, I got plenty money.
Thanks to you, British dummy!

Write to friends in motherland.
Tell them "come fast as you can."

They come in turbans and Ford trucks.
I buy big house with welfare bucks!

They come here, we live together.
More welfare cheques, it gets better!

Fourteen families, they moving in,
but neighbour's patience wearing thin.

Finally, white guy moves away.
Now I buy his house,then I say,

"Find more aliens for house to rent."
And in the yard I put a tent.

Everything is very good,
and soon we own the neighbourhood.

We have hobby, it's called breeding.Welfare pay for baby feeding.

Kids need dentist? Wife need pills? We get free! We got no bills!

Britain crazy! They pay all year, To keep welfare running here.

We think UK darn good place.
Too darn good for the white man race!

If they no like us, they can scram. Got lots of room in Pakistan!

PLEASE SEND THIS TO EVERY BRITISH TAXPAYER YOU KNOW

Good one

Scene took place on a British Airways flight between Johannesburg and
London .

A White woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black man.
Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air Hostess. "Madam, what is
the matter," the hostess asked. "You o! bviously do not see it then?" she
responded. "You placed me next to a black man. I do not agree to sit next
to

someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat."
"Be calm please," the hostess replied. "Almost all the places on this
Flight is taken.

I will go to see if another place is available." The Hostess went
away and t hen came back a few minutes later. "Madam, Just as I thought,
there are no other available seats in the economy class. I spoke to the
captain and he informed me that there is a seat in the business class.
All the same, we still have one place in the first class." Before the woman
could say anything, the hostess continued: "It is not Usual for our
company to permit someone from the economy class to sit in the first
class. However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be
scandalous to make someone sit next to someone so disgusting." She
turned to the black guy, and said, "Therefore, Sir, if you would like to,
please collect your hand luggage, a seat awaits you in first class."
At that moment, the other passengers who were shocked by what they had
Just witnessed stood up and applauded.

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

TRY THIS NOW!

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And
you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see
if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the
floor and make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the
air with your right hand. Your foot will changedirection!!!

I told you so... And there is nothing you can do about it.
Make sure you pass this on to your friends...
they won't be able to believe it either

How to stop a baby boom in Pakistan

General Musharaf, President of Pakistan was awoken at 4am by the
telephone.
"Jannab, its the Minister of Health here.  Sorry to bother you at this
hour but there is an emergency!  I've just received word that the Durex
factory in Rawalpindi has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the
entire Pakistani supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week."

Musharaf: "What a disaster! The economy will never be able to cope with
all those unwanted babies- we'll be ruined!"

Minister: "We're going to have to ship some condoms in from abroad..."

Musharaf: " India ...?"

Minister: "No chance!! The tabloids will have a field day on this one!"

Musharaf: "What about Sri Lanka ?"

Minister: "Maybe- but we don't want them to know that we are stuck. Call
the Sri Lankan President, Mahinda- tell him we need one million condoms;
colored gold and green; ten inches long and  eight inches thick!  That
way they'll know how big the Pakis really are!!"

Miyan Musharaf called Mahinda, who agreed to help the Pakis out in their
hour of need.

Three days later a flight arrived in Islamabad- full of boxes. A
delighted Gen. Musharaf rushed out to open the boxes. He found condoms;
10 inches long; 8 inches thick, all colored green and gold. He then
noticed in small writing on each and every one........:

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MADE IN SRI LANKA
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