Substitute Sindhi for any other ethnicity...same deal.

A wealthy Sindhi parked his brand new Porsche Carrera at the front of
the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck came along too close to the kerb and completely
tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was
close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his
lights flashing.

But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the Sindhi
started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had
just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would
never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it
new again.

After the Sindhi finally calmed down a bit, the cop shook his head in
disgust, disbelief and wonder "I can't believe how materialistic you
Sindhis are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that
you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the Sindhi.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is
missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the Sindhi. "MY ROLEX!"

Read More...

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Excuse notes to teachers from parents

These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school
District .

Spellings have been left intact......

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today.
Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30,
31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from p.e. For a few days. Yesterday he fell
out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered
by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She
Had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday.. He had diarrhea,
and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping
because I don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to
get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. We
thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent
a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and
could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever,
Sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick,
fever an sore throat , her brother had a low grade fever and ached all
over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever.
There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

 

Read More...

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John's Last Wish

 John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last

 request, Dear," he said.

 "Of course, John," his wife said softly.

 "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Joe."

 "But I thought you hated Joe," she said.

 With his last breath, John said, "I do!"

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WHAT Is a Faux Pas ??

One day, Bertie Wooster decided to read a book.
On the very first page he came across an unfamiliar word. So he called
out to Jeeves.
"Jeeves, what is this 'fox pass'?"
"This what, sir?"
"'Fox pass', Jeeves."
"Oh, that would be 'faux pas', sir."
"Yes, dash it, whatever."
"Well sir, let me explain it this way. Do you remember last weekend
when Miss Plushbottom came to stay for the weekend?"
"Yes."
"And do you remember how on Sunday morning you pricked your finger on a rose?"
"Yes."
"And do you remember how, later, at breakfast, Miss Plushbottom asked:

 'Is your prick still throbbing, Bertie?', and you dropped a pot of marmalade?"
"Yes, Jeeves"

"Well, that, sir, was a faux pas"

Read More...

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XXX Pussy Green - XXX

An Irishman went to Confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last
confession. I had sex with Pussy Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three
Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father,
it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with
Pussy Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Pussy Green?'

'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest.. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.

At mass the next Christmas morning, as the priest prepared to deliver
the sermon, a tall, Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous woman entered the
sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she
slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the
priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching,
shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress
and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but
just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered,

'Is that Pussy Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,

'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

Read More...

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'Hind Lick Maneuver'

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant down south. While having a bite
to eat, they talked about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins
to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya
swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down
her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his
tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know,

I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed
nobody do it!'

Read More...

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Oldies - HOW TO START A FIGHT...

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else
to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer..
 Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a
clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone
only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I
said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I
told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........
_______________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

Read More...

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XX - wrong answer by a young lady

A young lady got kicked out of math class one day.
The teacher asked 'what comes after 69'?
Apparently 'mouthwash' was the wrong answer...........

Read More...

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Jokes to take you through the week...

MONDAY

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was
having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the
mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

TUESDAY

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned
fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'

WEDNESDAY

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather
small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed
him pancakes.  That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large
stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed, 'for me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied.  'The rest are for your father.'

THURSDAY

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her
92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.  She became violent and
ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment,
killing him instantly.  Brought before the court on the charge of
murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defence.

 'Your Honour,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could
screw, he could fly.'

FRIDAY

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.  'The material we
put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting
here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach
lining.  Chinese food is loaded with MSG.  High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water.  However, there is one thing that is the
most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can
anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and
suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

SATURDAY

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country
Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old
blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful
sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently
to his every word.  His buddies at the club are all aghast.  At the
very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the
trophy girlfriend?'  Bob replies, 'Girlfriend?  She's my wife!'  They
are knocked over, but continue to ask.  'So, how'd you persuade her to
marry you?'  'I lied about my age,' Bob replies. 'What, did you tell
her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

SUNDAY

Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Holland.  As
they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the
process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.  She
showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when
they no longer produce.'  She then asked, 'What do you do in America
with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'

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Why Indian's are Reborn.

The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said: 'I have to talk to you.

We have some Indians up here in heaven and they are causing problems.

They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are
wearing Dolce and Gabana sarees instead of their white robes,

they are riding Mercedes and BMWs instead of the chariots, and they're
selling their halos to people for discounted prices.

 They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear or clean, since they
keep crouching down midway eating samosas and drinking chai (tea).
Some of them are even walking around with just one wing !

They do not believe in discipline and push their way through the line.'

The Lord said, 'Indians are Indians. Heaven is home to all my
children. If you want to know about real problems, give Satan a call.'

Satan answered the phone, 'Hello? Damn, hold on a minute.' Satan
returned to the phone, 'OK I'm back. What can I do for you?'

Gabriel replied, 'I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're
having down there.'

Satan says, 'Hold on again. I need to check on something.'

After about 5 minutes Satan returns to the phone and said, 'I'm back.
Now what was the question?'

Gabriel said, 'What kind of problems are you having down there?'

Satan says, 'Man I don't believe this .. Hold on.'

This time Satan was gone at least 15 minutes. He returned and said,
"I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. These Indians are trying
to install air conditioning and making hell a comfortable place to
live in by putting out the fire, which is there to keep them
uncomfortably hot!!Since they are so tech savvy, they were trying to
start a telephone and IT connection between heaven and hell between ME
and GOD.They have started a socal network service for the troubled and
believe in Karma and are good in convincing others.

Some were trying to start a chai - pakora, Chole batura, channa, Dosa
and samosa, barfi, Chakli and Dokla shop, which I had to stop.

Many have no trouble living in dirt as they are so used to it down on
earth. We have shortage of toilets to make them uncomfortable as this
is Hell, but they have no problems in doing everything outside in
open.

They are excellent in corrupting everyone and my staff are being
bribed by them and I have difficulty in controlling the graft and
corruption in Hell.

They never complain as this place seems to be better from where they
came. I am having such a hard time controlling and dealing with them!!
I am therefore requesting you

OH LORD, PLEASE send them back to earth as soon as they arrive for re-birth".

So this is why Indians are the only ones that are re-born !

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SPECIAL EDITION: PUNS INTENDED!

1.The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
But it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker,
But he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class,
Because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope,
It'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
And was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France
Would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center
Said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from
Prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and
Pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary,
They got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris ,
You'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says,
I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that
You can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
During a root  canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

Read More...

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Take time to ponder this - from ANDY ROONEY.

I've learned....That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of
an elderly person.

I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned....That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my
day!' makes my day.

I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one
of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have
the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires,
everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold
and a heart to understand.

I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on
summer nights when I was a child, did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer
it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned....  That we should be glad God doesn't give us
everything we ask for.

I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life
so spectacular.

I've learned.... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants
to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are
only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned.... That the way for me to grow as a person is to
surround myself with smarter people than I am.

I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned…. That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned.... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take
the ones you miss.

I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock
elsewhere.

I've learned.... That I wish I told my Mom that I love her one more
time before she passed away.

I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender,
because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your
little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain,
but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more
things I get done.

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Glasgow Policeman

A Glasgow policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car

He radios for backup.

"What's the situation?" base controller asks.

Officer answers,"There's a big fat darkie dancing on a car roof."

"You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator,

"You have to use the politically correct terminology"*

"AYE! OK" he says:

"Zulu....Tango....Sierra"

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Seniors Exercise jokes

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
…Now he's 97 years old
and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 250 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country running,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine…and even feel better

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Indian Signs

Notices in English for tourists in Gujarat-India

In an Ahmedabad Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please.. If you are not a person to
do such thing is please not to read this notice.

In a Surat hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret
that you will be unbearable.

In the elevator in Hotel Tex Pallazo, Surat :
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should
enter more persons, ea ch one should press a number of wishing floor.
Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Baroda hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Jamnagar :
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9
and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Ahmedabad hotel near Gujarat College
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

Edwards Laundry on Relief Road, Ahmedabad:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

In a Bhavnagar hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex
in the bedroom, it is rekvested that the lobby be used for this
purpose.

In a Anand laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a heritage hotel at Junagadh:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides (on the famous white asses) in Rann of Kutch :
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a 5-Star Hotel cocktail lounge in Ahmedabad:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In the office of a Ahmedabad gynecologist:
Specialist in women and other diseases

In a Bharuch hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

Read More...

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Every saint has a PAST...Every sinner has a FUTURE!

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Amjad Haseeb <amjad_haseeb@yahoo.co.uk>
Date: Sat, Nov 5, 2011 at 3:21 AM
Subject: Re: Every saint has a PAST...Every sinner has a FUTURE!
To: Rifky Mackeen <rifkyn@gmail.com>

Thanks for making it suitable for all.
Amjad.
I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp--
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics, the drug users and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbour who never said anything nice.
Joe , who I always thought was rotting away in hell,
was sitting pretty on cloud nine, looking incredibly well.

I nudged the Angel of Death , 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
Can it be a mistake?

'And why is everyone so quiet,
 So somber - give me a clue.'

'Hush, child,' he said, 'they're all in shock.

No one thought they'd be seeing you..'

JUDGE NOT!!

Remember...Just going to a place of worship doesn't make you more
pious any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.

Read More...

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Love-Making Tips For Seniors!

1.
Wear your glasses.
TO make sure your partner
is actually in the bed.

2.
Set timer for 3 minutes,
In case you doze off
in the middle of the session.

3.
Set the mood with lighting.
(Turn them ALL OFF!)

4.
Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial
before you begin.

5.
Write partner's name on your hand
in case you can't remember.

6.
Use extra polygrip so your teeth
don't end up under the bed.

7.
Have Tylenol ready
in case you actually complete the act.

8.
Make all the noise you want...
The neighbors are deaf too.

9.
If it works,
call everyone you know
with the good news!!

10.
Don't even think about trying it twice...
__________________________________

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says,
'Let's go upstairs And make love,' and
you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
And you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need
to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky'
means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure if these are facts or jokes?
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XX Medical Insurance

Two men are at the Dr's,waiting to get vasectomies.

A nurse breezes in,tells them to strip and put-on the medical gowns

She returns a few minutes later,reaches under one man's gown and
begins to masturbate him.

Shocked, he asks, "What the hell are you doing?"

She saya as a matter of fact,"We have to vacate the sperm from your
system to have a clean procedure."

Not wanting to cause a problem, the man relaxes and enjoys it as she
completes her task.

The second man watches bewildered and by the time the nurse turns to
him,he is quite ready for his turn.

To his surprise, she drops to her knees, seductively parts her lips
and begins a blow-job.

The first guy,somewhat let-down,demands to know "Hey,why only a hand
job for me and a blow-jog for him?"

The nurse says, "That, my dear sir, is the difference between public
healthcare and private medical insurance coverage"

 

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Kids will be kids but take care when you are with them in public

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby
sister... After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one
for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she
was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't
remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to
six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so
much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom
window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried
in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her
Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for
her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know
it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please
don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked
what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with
this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked
his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then
asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his
wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked:
'What happened to the flea?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget....

This particular Sunday sermon... 'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with
arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
'Without you, we are but dust....' He would have continued but at that
moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me
and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice,
'Mom, what is butt dust?'

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