Monday, June 30, 2008

Mild Jokes on a Monday!

DOCTOR.
To address an emergency call, a doctor came to see a rich patient at
his home, who was screaming with extreme stomach pain and was
surrounded by many anxious relatives.
Doctor kicked all the relatives out of the room, closed the door with
patient and he inside.
After a while he came out and asked,
"Please give me a scissors."
People gave him a stainless steel scissors.
He again went inside, closed door and came back soon.
He said,
"Please give me a hammer."
He got one.
He repeated the routine of going inside, closing door and then coming
back again for a new tool a few times.
He came outside one more time and asked,
"Please give me a screw driver."
With every of his requests for surgical tools the tension amongst the
relatives was mounting high.
The oldest son could not hold himself, broke down and lost his patience.
In a crying voice he pleaded,
"Doctor please tell us what has happened to our dear Dad. Will he
live? Could we open his will?"
The doctor said,
"No, I don't know that yet. I am still trying to open my damn bag, I
lost the key."

HOW OLD ?
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
"I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don`t try to fool me
because I can tell the difference."
The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with
5-year scotch.
The man takes a sip, scowls and says,
"Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."
The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch.
The man takes a sip, grimaces and says,
"Bartender, I don`t want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!"
Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs,
"Ah, now that`s the real thing."
A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with
great interest.
He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says,
"Hey, I think that`s really far out what you can do. Try this one."
The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries,
"Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!"
The drunk`s eyes light up and he says,
"Yeah, now tell me how old am I ?"

Fishing.
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed
quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the
garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out
into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered
that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that s#!t."

Husband & Wife.
Woman : If you were my husband I'd poison your coffee.
Man : If you were my wife, I'd drink it.

Moral Lesson.
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the
first pancake, I can wait'".
Kevin turned to his younger brother & said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"

Legs.
A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule
And the only one available was wildlife Zoology.
After one week, a test was held.
The professor passed out a sheet of paper divided into four squares.
In each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird's legs.
No bodies, no feet, just legs.
The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs.
The student sat and stared at the test getting angrier every minute.
Finally, he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test
On the teacher's desk.
"This is the worst test I have ever given."
The teacher looked up and said:
"Young man, you have flunked the test. What's your name?"
The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said:
"You tell me..."

Go to heaven.
A priest walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets,
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said,
"I do Father."
The priest said,
"Then stand over there against the wall."
Then, the priest asked the second man,
"Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then, the priest walked up to O'Toole and said,
"Do you want to go to heaven?
O'Toole said,
"No, I don't Father".
The priest said,
"I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't
want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said,
"Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to
go right now.

Under water.
One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level.
He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he was not wearing a scuba gear.
The diver went below another 20 ft but the guy joined him a few minutes later.
The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board
set, and wrote,
"How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote,
"I'M DROWNING, YOU STUPID"

Bill payment.
A young girl goes shopping....
Girl : How much for that dress ?
Naughty shopkeeper : 5 kisses only!
Girl : And that dress?
Naughty shopkeeper :10 kisses only!
Girl : pack that one.
Shopkeeper [excitedly]: Bill payment plz..?
Girl : My grandma will pay!!!!!!!!! !!!

Businessmen.
A businessman was driving round and round the streets, desperate to
find a parking space.
But, as usual there were none to be had.
At last he stopped the car, looked up to heaven, and said:
"God, please find me a parking space. If you do I solemnly promise
that I will go to Church every Sunday. I shall give a tenth of my
income to the poor, and I will be nice to everyone."
At that moment a parking space miraculously appeared in front of him.
The man looked up to heaven again and said:
"It's okay, God, don't bother. I've found one.

Anniversary trip.
Husband : "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
Wife : "Somewhere I have never been!"
Husband : "How about the kitchen?"

1st Husband.
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly parted mother and
started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another
man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
'Why did you die? Why did you die?"
The first man approached him and said,
"Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain in is more than I've ever seen before. For whom
do you mourn so? Deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied:
"My wife's first husband."

Result is important.
A cab driver reaches the pearly gates and announces his presence to
St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book.
Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick
up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.
A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching
these proceedings with great interest.
He announces himself to St. Peter.
Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows
his brow and says,
"Okay,we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is astonished and replies,
"But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff
and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!"
St. Peter responded matter-of-factly:
"This is heaven, and up here, we're interested in results. When you
preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people
prayed!"

Divorce in heaven.
A young couple who were engaged to be married were killed in a car accident.
Upon arriving together at the Pearly Gates, the young woman asked St.
Peter if they could get married in heaven.
St. Peter mulled it over for a little bit, then told them he would get
back to them.
Six weeks later, St. Peter tells the couple the good news.
"I finally found a preacher up here and he says he'd be happy to marry
you!" he tells the couple.
They are overjoyed and start thanking St. Peter.
Then, the young man asks St. Peter:
"Look, if it doesn't work out, would we be able to get a divorce?"
St. Peter turns beet red.
"A divorce? It took me six weeks just to find a preacher up here!!
What makes you think I'll EVER be able to find a lawyer?!?!?"

Windows.

God appeared in a dream to the Pope, George W Bush , and Bill Gates.
He told them,
"I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I
exist. The bad news is that I will end the world in 30 days."
The Pope woke his staff and said,
"I have some good news and some good news. The good news is that we
were right all along, God exists. The other good news is that we'll be
going to heaven in 30 days."
George W Bush woke his staff and said,
"I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that God is
on our side. The bad news is that the world will end in 30 days."
Bill Gates woke his staff and said,
"I have some good news and some great news. The good news is that God
thinks I'm an important guy. The great news is that we won't have to
attend any more Windows 95/98/NT/XP... complaints."

Plane crash.
John and Emma are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to
celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our
engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency
landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be
able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be
rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our
lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later John turns to his wife and asks,
"Emma, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
John, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,
"Emma, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Emma, Did you remember to send checks for the Visa
and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, John," begged Emma. "I didn't send that one, either."
John grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Emma pulls
away and asks him,
"What was that for?"
John answers,
"They'll find us!"

Long hair.
A young man comes home and says,
"Dad, I just got my driver's license and so would like to use the family car."
Father replies,
"O.K, son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep
your room clean, make the yard neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a
few months and then we'll see."
Well, several months passed and the young man comes into the house
with his report card in his hand.
"Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room
neat and the yard is always clean. How about letting me use the car?"
Father replies,
"That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."
Son says,
"But, dad, Jesus too had long hairs."
Father replies,
"Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went."

Old carpenter.
One day Jesus was out for a walk, strolling near the walls surrounding
heaven, when he heard an old man's voice call from the other side.
"Hello? Hello?"
Jesus replied,
"Who is it?"
"Just a poor, old carpenter searching for his son," the old man replied.
Jesus' heart leapt with joy and he called out,
"Joseph?"
The voice answered back,
"Pinocchio?"

Holy water.
One morning a man came into the church on crutches.
He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then
threw away his crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell
the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me
where is this man now?"
"Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy.

Near-death experience

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she has a near-death experience.
During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time.
The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital for a few
more days and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck.
She even has someone come in and change her hair color.
She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well
make the most of it.
She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by
an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.
She arrives in heaven again, sees her guardian angel and says,
"I thought you said I had another 30-40 years!!"
The angel replies,
"Sorry. I didn't recognize you."

New brand.
Sales man : Sir, which shaving cream do u use ?
Customer : Niro's.
Sales man : Which after shave do you use ?
Customer : Niro's.
Sales man : Which tooth paste do you use ?
Customer : Niro's ?
Sales man : Which shampoo do you use ?
Customer : Niro's.
Sales man : Sir , what is this Niro's, is it an international company ?
Customer : No, Niro is my room mate.

Antique value.
Mary and Jane are old friends.
They have both been married to their husbands for a long time.
Mary is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her
attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Mary cries.
"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more
beautiful every day." replies Jane.
"Yes, but your husband is an antique dealer!"

Eye sight.
The wife stands in front of a mirror.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror & I see an old
woman, face wrinkled, fat legs & flabby arms"
She turns to her husband & says,
"Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He says in a soft voice,
"Your eye sight is perfect."

Read More...

Jane and Arlene

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the
end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces
to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of
strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately
asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

Read More...

Sunday, June 29, 2008

How do they survive?

ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that
you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for
a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the
teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six,
nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen
nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head
and ordered six McNuggets

TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items
and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I
picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register
and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After
the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider",
looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. No t
finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this
is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy
that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy
drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she
was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept
asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have
replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get
into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience
store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you
have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she
answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and
manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over
there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.
One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm
almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine
paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last
remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and
proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she
needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating
ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and
should be fine. The mother says, I just gave him some ant
killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!

Life is tough . . .

Read More...

Saturday, June 28, 2008

This one's for Bush

G. W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a
word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it
would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his
chair reached for the after shave.

Clinton was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Hillary will
smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you?'
Bush replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a
whorehouse smells like.'

Read More...

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Great Nature Pictures

Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...


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Great Pictures -2

Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...


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Plane Crash

A plane is decreasing speed rapidly downward, the pilot comes over the intercom and says 'Im sorry it had to come to this folks, but unfortunately we're gonna have to let some of the luggage go'...the plane continues to decrease speed. Again you hear the pilot over the intercom 'I hate to have to do this, but now we're gonna have to start releasing passengers by alphabet order beginning with the letter...'A!!!'...AFRICANS, ANY AFRICANS?!?... No one answers...'B!!!' BLACK PEOPLE ANY BLACK
PEOPLE?!? Again, silence. 'COLORED PEOPLE, ANY COLORED PEOPLE?!?...silence. A black boy in the back turns to his mother and says 'but mom, aren't we African american?, aren't we black? Aren't we colored?' the mother turns to her son and says ' yes son, but today we NIGGAS!!!...Mexicans go first.. The little black boy turns to the little Mexican kid sitting next to Him and laughs......!!! The Mexican kids laughs back and says "Today I'm a WETBACK......

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Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Employee reviews.

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee
performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.

(1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock
bottom.....and has started to dig."

(2) "His men would follow him anywhere, ....... But only out of morbid
curiosity.'

(3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."

(4) "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of
a definite 'won't be'."

(5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a
rat in a trap."

(6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

(7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

(8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

(9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them."

(10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
This employee should go far, ..... And the sooner he starts, the
better."

(12) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

(13) "A gross ignoramus-144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

(14) "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

(15) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

(16) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

(17) "He's been working with glue too much."

(18) "He would argue with a signpost."

(19) "He has a knack for making strangers immediately detest him."

(20) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

(21) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

(22) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, ..... he's
the other one."

(23) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

(24) "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

(25) "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

(26) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

(27) "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

(28) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

(29) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

(30) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."

(31) "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."

(32) "One neuron short of a synapse."

(33) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;..... He only gargled."

(34) "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

(35) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

Read More...

Donald & Daisy

A NICE WHOLESOME OLD FASHIONED STORY


Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel
room and Donald wanted to have sex

with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'

Donald frowned and said, 'No.'

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom,they could not have sex.

'Maybe they sell them at the front desk?' she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter
and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put that on your bill?

'No! 'Donald quacked, What kind of a pervert do you think I am?'

Think About It ! !

Read More...

Monday, June 23, 2008

Luck of the Irish

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for
over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself,
'It's certainly not a ship.' And, as the speck got closer and closer,
he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.
Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood
a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the
stunned Irishman and said to him, 'Tell me, how long has it been since
you've had a cigarette?'

'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman.. With that, she reached over
and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit,
and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it,
and takes a long drag. 'Faith and begorra,'said the man, 'that is so
good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'

'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish
whiskey' asked the blonde
Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.'

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a
pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the
flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the gods!' stated the
Irishman. 'Tis truly fantastic!!!'

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long
front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the
trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played
around?'

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed;,
'Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!'

Read More...

The Nagging Wife

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a
stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at
midnight.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he
was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
been?'

'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. Too
shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in
the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he
dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay
of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to
go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled
around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

Read More...

Sunday, June 22, 2008

DO YOU FART IN BED?

IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW
AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.

THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING
LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND
THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF
BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.… HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT, AND
THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS
CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE
THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE
WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK,
GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO
HER.

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP
AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC
WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO
HIS SHORTS

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING
WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC
FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL
HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER
YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD..

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS
BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER
LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.

HE SAID, "HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT." "ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME
AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU".

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" ASKED HIS WIFE

"WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS
OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED."

BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT
MOST OF THEM BACK IN."

Read More...

Irish Jokes

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when
Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops
dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other
five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys,
someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever
meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the
door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.
''Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

***********************************************************

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd
just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is
broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Conner shit,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that
to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a
terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself.
Didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a
thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'

************************************************************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city
one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver,
'where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms
across his chest,
'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought
I'd gone deaf.'

**********************************************************

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door.
'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.
'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?'
'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda.
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery'
'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'
'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?'
'It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned.'
'Oh my! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?'
'Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'

**************************************************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
' She says, 'He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' '

***************************************************************

AND THE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,
sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk
continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'

Read More...

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Her Diary v/s His Diary

HER DIARY
========


Day night, I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at
a cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but
he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet
so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.

I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."I asked him if it was
my fault that he was upset.
He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say,
"I love u,too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing
to do with me anymore.

He just sat there and watched TV.; he seemed distant and
absent.Finally I decided to go to
bed.

About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided that I could not take
it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had
fallen asleep.I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with
someone else. My life is a disaster.... ......... .....

HIS DIARY
=======

Today India lost the cricket match against Bangladesh .

DAMN IT.

Read More...

Best Beer

After an international beer conference in London, all the world's top

brewery bosses decide to go out for a beer together.

The Chairman of Budweiser says, "I'd like the most refreshing beer in

the world, 'The King Of Beers': give me a Budweiser."

The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and opens it for him .

The Chairman of Guiness says, "I'd like the only beer in the world worth

really, truly waiting for: give me a Guinness."

The bartender serves him.
The Chairman of Carlsberg says, " I would like the world's best beer,

drunk in more countries than any other: give me a Carlsberg."

He gets it.

Vijay Mallaya sits down, looks around and says, "Just give me a Coke."

The bartender looks at him, shrugs, and serves him.

The other brewery bosses laugh loudly and say, "Hey Vijay, how come

you aren't drinking a Kingfisher?"

"Listen," says Vijay Mallya, "If you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I"

Read More...

Catholic Girls

There they are, all in heaven trying to enter the pearly Gates when
St.Peter asks the first girl,
"Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" She
wriggles and shyly replies, well I once touched the head of one with
the tip of my finger.
St.Peter says, OK, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and
pass through the gate.

He asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you had any
contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but
replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St.Peter says, OK, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass
through the gate.

All of a sudden, there was a lot of commotion in the line of girls.
One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Reeva, Reeva what seems to
be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy
Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her arse in it."

Read More...

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Mowing and Beer

On Saturday afternoon I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer
and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came
over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my can of Miller Lite, wiped the cold foam from my
lips, lifted my dark Ray Ban sunglasses, stared directly into the eyes
of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied: "I am. That's why
she cuts the grass."

Read More...

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Dilbert's Laws Of Work:

* A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

* Don't be irreplaceable,
If you can't be replaced,
You can't be promoted.

* The more crap you put up with,
The more crap you are going to get.

* You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

* Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
will happen to you the rest of the day.

* When the bosses talk about improving productivity,
They are never talking about themselves.

* If at first you don't succeed, try again.
Then quit.
No use being a damn fool about it.

* Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

* Never delay the ending of a meeting or
The beginning of a cocktail hour.

* To err is human,
To forgive is not our policy.

* Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she
is supposed to be doing.

* If you are good,
You will be assigned all the work.
If you are really good,
You will get out of it.

* You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

* People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

* If it wasn't for the last minute,
Nothing would get done.

* When you don't know what to do,
Walk fast and look worried.

* When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily
by reducing it to the question,
"How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

* No matter how much you do,
You never do enough.

Read More...

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Good for a laugh,

A drunk is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom
Blonde a few seats down from him with breasts size
44DD'S.

A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The
Bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It
Hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them. The
Bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the
Beer off of her breasts.

This happens a couple more times.

The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick
Her breasts. She decks him! He's laying on the floor
Moaning and groaning.

'Why do you let the bartender do it?'


'Because he has.............(your gonna love this)......

A LICKER LICENSE!

Read More...

Bush said....

There has never been an American president who was such a master of
the English language and general knowledge as George W. Bush. In this
context, consider the following pearls of wisdom that have been
uttered by Bush in the seven-and-a-half years that he's been in
office.

"I think war is a dangerous place,"

But does this place called war feature in any atlas? Maybe the White
House has had an atlas printed specially for him – one that says on
various pages: "Here be war", rather like those atlases printed in the
Middle Ages which contained maps marked with statements like: "Here be
dragons."

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some
fantastic pictures,"

"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literary test,"

"If you don't stand for anything, you don't stand for anything."

"It is clear our nation is reliant on big foreign oil. More and more
of our imports come from overseas,"

"There is no such thing as legacies. At least, there is a legacy, but
I'll never see it,"

"Redefining the role of the United States from enablers to keep the
peace to enablers to keep the peace from peacekeepers is going to be
an assignment."

"We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile
or hold our allies hostile,"

"I thing anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the job
is underestimating,"

"If the terriers and bariffs are torn down, this economy will grow,"

"When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly
who they were. It was us versus them, and it was clear who them was.
Today, we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're
there."

"One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise
above that which is expected."

"There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds
on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead."

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"First, we would not accept a treaty that would not have been
ratified, nor a treaty that I thought made sense for the country."

Referring to the electricity crisis in California a few years ago,
Bush said, "The California crunch really is the result of not enough
power generating plants and then not enough power to power the power
of generating plants."

"I'm hopeful. I know there is a lot of ambition in Washington,
obviously. But I hope the ambitious realise that they are more likely
to succeed with success as opposed to failure."

"This administration is doing everything to end the stalemate in an
efficient way. We're making the right decision to bring the solution
to an end."

"But I also made it clear (to Vladimir Putin) that it's important to
think beyond the old days of when we had the concept that if we blew
each other up, the world would be safe."

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in
the future,"

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO." So far so
good, but then came the truly astonishing statement: "We have a firm
commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." In this formulation,
Bush had somehow managed to shift the United States 3,000 miles
eastward across the Atlantic Ocean and join it to Europe.

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it,"

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit Mars is somewhat the same
distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures
where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that
means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean
in this century's history. But we all lived in this century (the
twentieth century). I didn't live in this century,"

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy – but that could change,"

"The future will be better tomorrow," said Bush. For good measure, he
added, "I stand by all my misstatements."

Read More...

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Matrimonial from a Pakistani man

Reply to an online Matrimonial from a Pakistani man:

Madam:

I am an young uncle living only with myself in Lahore. Having seen
your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on
you and hope you will take me nicely.

I am a spoiled son from inside Punjab. I am nice and big, six foot
tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because
I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like
cricket and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller. Whenever I come
running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is
scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am
jolly. I am gay. Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and
soft. I am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing
ladies to get on top.
That is how nice I am. I am not having any bad habits.

I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every
morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I
am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am
pumping the dumb bells in the Jim.

I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you.
I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to
do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am
pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my
things into your hand.

If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you
very hard every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb bells in the
Jim.
If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press
you and press you until you come. So, I am placing my head between
your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope.

I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.

Expecting soon,

Yours and only yours

Choudhary Warraich born by mother in Okara and become big in Lahore, Punjab.

Read More...

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

You are an Internet addict....If....

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.

Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.

You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com."

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new
WWW site address on TV.

You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new
e-mail arrives.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

Your dog has its own home page.

You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.

Your phone bill is as heavy as a brick.

You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends because they
have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months.

You wake up at 3 a.m. To go to the bathroom and stop and check your
e-mail on the way back to bed.

Your wife makes a new rule:

"The computer cannot come to bed."

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front
of your computer with a toilet.

Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... So you buy
another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can
chat.

Read More...

No Bell Piece Prize and Pulletsurprise

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten
roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into
the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells
and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance,
which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply
by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too.

But, on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't
rung at all!

John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing.

The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But, to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak,
so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County
Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...

The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they
awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Read More...

Stuttering Cat

A teacher is explaining biology to her 1st grade
students.

'Human beings are the only animals that stutter',
she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat
who stuttered', she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these
stories could become, asked the girl to describe
the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my
kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a
running start and before we knew it, he jumped
over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary', said the teacher.
'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty
raised his back, and went 'Fffff, Fffff,
Fffff'...And before he could say 'F**k', the
Rottweiler ate him!'

Read More...

Blondes Protective Computer Gear.

Yesterday, I came back to my office from Court.

There was a new secretary (a very attractive blonde) in the office
down the hall from me.

She flagged me down and asked for help. "My floppy drive won't work,
Can you help me ?" she asked.

I told her I'd take a look and
proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic
baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive.

While I spent the next 20 minutes getting out her disk and digging out
the plastic, I noticed two guys, John and Dave, in the hall trying
awfully hard to keep straight faces.

Suspecting some mischief,I asked her how the plastic got into the drive.

"Oh, you mean the condom!", she said. "Condom???", I asked.

"Yes,John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk
before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses."

By this point, John & Dave were roaring, and it was all I could do to
keep from joining them.

The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5" plastic sleeve.

I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played,
and she shouldn't do that anymore, when she asked (as serious as one
could be),

"Does that mean I don't have to stroke
it ten times or blow on it either???"

Read More...

Famous Mothers.

COLUMBUS' MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered,
You still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER:
"Can't you paint on walls like other children?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to
Get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER:
"All right, if you aren't hiding your report card
Inside your jacket, take your hand out of
There and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:
"Again with the stovepipe hat?
Can't you just
Wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

MARY'S MOTHER:
"I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school.
But, I would like to know how he got a
Better grade than you."
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER:
"The next time I catch you throwing money across
The Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the
Electric light bulb.
Now, turn it off and get to bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go,
Young man,
Midnight is past your curfew."

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER:
"But it's your senior picture.
Can't you do something about your hair?
OY!
Styling gel,
Mousse,
Something...?"

Read More...

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

GROANER......Adult Content!

Who enjoys sex more,
The man Or The woman?

The woman, of course.

Look at it this way.
When your ear itches
And You put your little finger in it

And wiggle it around,

What feels better -

Your finger Or Your ear?

Read More...

Groaner

Yesterday, I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow at Wal-Mart for
Athena the wonder dog and was about to check out. A woman behind me
asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had -- an elephant?

So, since I'm retired, with little to do, and on impulse, I told her
that no, I didn't have a dog, but I was starting the Purina Diet
again.

Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital
last time...

But, that I'd lost 50 pounds before I woke up in ICU with tubes coming
out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry, and that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in the line was, by now,
enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in Intensive Care because the dog
food poisoned me.

I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's behind,
and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was
laughing so hard!

Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

(Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in
the world to think of crazy things to say.)

Read More...

Friday, June 06, 2008

XX - A touching poem

A fart it is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But, farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget.......
Sweet old farts like you!

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, right?

Read More...

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

XX- Adult Puns. Adult Content.

THE GROANERS.

*** A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed
With a lady midget.
Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams,
"You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!"
Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says,
"Take it easy Dear, Can't you see I'm trying to taper off?"

*** For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a
large sum of money if > she would go to Italy to secretly have
the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey', she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later', he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned
white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
'Send extra sauce.'

*** "First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and
get you a bit loose."
"Oh no you're not," said the girl.
"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then, I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."
"Oh no you're not."
"And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.
"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.

*** "I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said,
eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
"Oh, yes," he answered.
"Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.
"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."

*** Little Sandy was with her father when they stopped by the beauty
shop to pick-up her Mom.
She wasn't quite ready, so they sat down and waited.
Without any warning, Sandy goes over to her mom's stylist and blurts out,
"My Daddy says you're a fairy. May I see your magic wand?"

*** Mark fixed himself a martini to carry him through the ordeal of
waiting while Peggy got ready for their date, he could hear her
singing in the shower.
"Sorry I'm so late," she finally called out to him, "but I was
shopping and lost track of the time."
Clutching a large towel about her, he edged into the room.
"Would you like to see me in my new dress?" she asked.
Mark took appreciative note of her newly bathed charms straining at
the confines of the barely adequate towel.
"I would like," he said with a smile, "nothing better."

*** A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses
that showed off her figure, especially when she walked.
Her young aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed
The door.
Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked,
"Is that for sale?"
"Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously.
Un chagrined, he replied quietly,
"Then I suggest you quit advertising it."

THE PUNS.

A knockout blonde with a fine set of knockers complains to the doctor,
"I believe I am losing my mind. I can't remember ANYTHING after five minutes!"
The doctor answers, in his most comforting tone,
"Just take off all your clothes, miss, and lie down..."

A middle-aged woman was standing in front of her mirror admiring her clothing.
"Look, dear," she said to her husband, "I can still get into the same
skirts I had before I got married."
"Yeah," he snorted, "I wish I could say the same."

While I was fishing I saw the dog licking his balls while his master
baited the hook.

A Palestinian suspect was being grilled by Israeli police.
"Honest, I'm not a suicide bomber," he said. "I didn't say I wanted to
blow myself up so I could sleep with 72 virgins. All I said was I'm
dying to get laid."

Rese archers investigating the remarkably well-preserved
5,200-year-old frozen body of an Alpine hunter found traces of semen
in the pubic area.
The iceman cometh!

One day Jimmy Swaggart walks up to Jim Bakker with a theological question.
"Can a whore be saved?" he asked earnestly.
"Why, certainly," replied Bakker.
"Great!" exclaimed Swaggart. "Would you save me one for Saturday night?"

What do a blonde and a Harley have in common?
It takes ten to fifteen minutes of messing with them to good ride, and
when you stand them up, they leak.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?
"How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

Why were Paris Hilton's parents so upset when they saw her sex video?
The towels in the background said,
"Econo Lodge"

What do you call a herd of masturbating bulls?
Beef strokin' off (Richard Lederer).

OTHER HUMOUR.

Sex is dirty only if it's done right. (Woody Allen)

You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then, on Sunday pray for crop failure.

Read More...

"WOMEN OVER FORTY"

In case you missed it on 60Minutes, this is what
Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40:

60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)

'As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of
all. Here are just a few reasons why:


A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle
of the nightand ask, 'What are you thinking?' She
doesn't care what youthink.


If a woman over 40 doesn'twant to watch the game,
she doesn't sit around whining aboutit. She does
something she wants to do, and it's usually
moreinteresting.


Women over 40 aredignified. They seldom have a
screaming match with you at theopera or in the middle
of an expensive restaurant. Of course, ifyou deserve
it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think
theycan get away with it.


Older women are generous withpraise, often
undeserved. They know what it's like to
beunappreciated.


Women get psychic as theyage.


You never have to confess your sinsto a woman over
40.


Once you get past a wrinkle or two,a woman over 40
is far sexier than her younger counterpart.


Older women are forthright andhonest. They' will
tell you right off that you are a jerk ifyou are
acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder
whereyou stand with her.


Yes, we praise women over 40for a multitude of
reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For
every stunning, smart, well-coifed, hot woman over40,
there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making
a fool ofhim self with some 22-year old waitress.


Ladies, I apologize.


For all those men who say,'Why buy the cow when
you can get the milk for free,' here's an update for
you. Nowadays 80% of women are againstmarriage.


Why?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an
entire pig justto get a little sausage!'


Andy Rooney is a really smart guy! Forward to 5
fine, fun, fabulous,fancy-free female friends over40.

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Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Tree Hugger.

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came
upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired,

'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'

'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.

'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'

'No, would you like to give it a try?'

Understandably curious, the man says, '

Well, OK...'

So, he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.

With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his
wallet, jewellery, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy
handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked,

'What the heck happened to you?'

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in
sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear
and said,

'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'

Read More...

Apples and Wine

Women are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid
of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as
good, but easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in
reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is
brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.


Now Men....
Men are like a fine wine.
They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of
them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Read More...

Monday, June 02, 2008

Woodpeckers....somewhat adult

A Hawaiian woodpecker and a Californian woodpecker were arguing about
which place had the toughest trees.

The Hawaii woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked
a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to
peck a tree in California that was absolutely I'm-peck able (a term
Woodpeckers like to use).
The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so
accepted the challenge.
After flying to California, the Hawaii woodpecker successfully pecked
The tree with no problem.

So, the two woodpeckers were now confused.
How is it that the Californian woodpecker was able to peck the
Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the
Californian tree, but neither one was able to peck the tree in their
own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same
Conclusion...

Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

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For a Change............

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years,
when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life
for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you
care to do it again?"

He asks her "Shall we?"

She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This
time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head."

Read More...

Morris & Esther

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and
every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that
helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is
fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther,
I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get
another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty
dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if
you say one word its fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of
fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks
over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I
did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm
impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something
when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

Read More...

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Fun Facts or Funny Facts

THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BUT PROBABLY DON'T.


1. Money isn't made out of paper. It's made out of cotton.

2. The American Declaration of Independence was written on hemp
(marijuana) paper.

3. The dot over the letter "I" is called a "tittle".

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champa gne will bounce up and
down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

8. The 'spot' on 7-UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.

10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces
will kill a small sized dog.

12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the
shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).

14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.

16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because
in the time when all original print had to be set in individual
letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of
the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

17. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the
other at the same time hence, multitasking was invented.

18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II
were made of wood.

19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never
a recorded Wendy before!

21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange,
purple, and silver!

22. Leonardo DaVinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to
paint Mona Lisa's lips.

23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go
mad and sting itself to death.

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a
Captain Kirk's mask painted white.

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have
$1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without
being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)

26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink
in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)

27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law,
which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than
your thumb.

28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player
for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was
the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a
piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same
with apples!

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most
often stolen from Public Libraries.

33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space
because passing wind in a space suit damages it. I NEED TO REMEMBER
THIS.

34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart. "Boy, I feel a
lot safer now that she's behind bars. OJ Simpson and Kobe Bryant are
still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman
in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul
her fanny off to jail

Read More...