XX - Adult Puns!

Seen on the back of a septic tank service truck:
"We'll take crap from anyone!"

To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, an elderly couple booked
the honeymoon suite at a posh hotel.
As the bellboy was taking their luggage to the suite, he thought to himself,
"At their age, they're booking the honeymoon suite. What a laugh!"
That night, he decided to spy on them, so he sat in the lobby opposite
their suite.
All night long, all he heard was giggling and clapping coming from their room.
He couldn't believe his ears.
In the morning, he apologized to the husband for having spied on them,
but being curious, he asked the husband how he could do what he did at
his age.
"Well," the husband replied, "it's like this. First I remove all my
clothes and lie face up on the bed. Then my wife removes all her
clothes. Then..."
"Then WHAT?" the bellboy asked impatiently.
"Grinning, the elderly husband replied,
"Then my wife lifts up my penis with one hand and we make a bet."
"You make a BET?" exclaimed t he bellhop. "What bet?"
Smirking, the husband explained,
"If it falls to the right, I win; and if it falls to the left, she wins."
"But, what if it doesn't fall?" asked the bellhop.
"Then, we both win!" replied the husband.

Confucius says,
"Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand."

New girl friends like a fresh roll of toilet paper.
It may be hard to get the first piece, but after that you can rip one
off anytime.

Wanting to be married, a couple came to the county courthouse in
Virginia where I work. They accidentally walked up to the offices
where hunting licenses are sold.
"We're from out-of-state," said the prospective groom. "Can we get a license?"
The clerk replied,
"No, but I can give you a three-day permit."

Giving a blow job a win/lose situation.
He may have you on your knees, but you have him by the balls.

Jill had been divorced for a few years and, very lonely, finally
consented to going out on a date with John, the gentleman her son
fixed her up with.
John picked her up and they went on a picnic in a very secluded spot.
John also had been divorced for a long time and found himself very
attracted to Jill, and despite her resistance at first to his
advances, he finally was able to make love to her.
Jill was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed,
"I don't know how I can face my son, knowing that in a time of
weakness I sinned twice!" John said,
"What do you mean 'twice'? We only did it once!"
Jill looked at John and said,
"Well, we're going to do it again, aren't we?"

When John asked the call girl if she was free tonight, she replied,
"No. But I am reasonable."

A Jewish lady is sitting at home when the phone rings.
"Hello" she says.
"Hello" says the male voice at the other end.
 "I'll bet you'd really like it if I came round, ripped off your skirt
and blouse and bra and panties, then threw you to the floor and made
hot, sweaty love to you...."
The Jewish lady replies,
"From 'hello' you can tell all this?"

911 Call: Woman: "I just had a baby and the doctor told me to do those
Kegel exercises - you know to tighten up things down there." [giggle]
Dispatcher: "Yes, ma'am, I understand. Are you in pain?"
Woman: "No, no, no. It's not that. It's just that every time I do
those exercises I have an orgasm."
Dispatcher: "I'm sorry, did you say 'orgasm'?"
Woman" "Yes. Am I doing them right?"
Dispatcher: "Sounds like it to me!"
 

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My Name is Gossip

--Author Unknown

I have no respect for justice.
I aim without killing.
I break hearts and ruin lives.
I am cunning and malicious, and gather strength with age.
The more I am quoted, the more I am believed.
I flourish at every level of society.
My victims are helpless.
They cannot protect themselves against me,
Because I have no face.
To track me down is impossible.
The harder you try, the more elusive I become.
I am nobody's friend.
Once I tarnish a reputation, it is never the same.
I topple governments, wreck marriages and ruin careers. . .
Cause sleepless nights, heartaches and indigestion.
I spawn suspicion and generate grief.
I make innocent people cry in their pillows.
Even my name hisses.
I make headlines and headaches.
Before you repeat a story,
Ask yourself ...
Is it true?
Is it fair?
Is it necessary?

If not . . .
SHUT UP!"

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XXXXX - Very Naughty Short Messages...

Vulgar language but humorous.

Not for Prudes

* If necessity is the mother of invention,
then… Frustration is the father of masturbation!

* What is the definition of a healthy virgin?
One who has never been Bed RIDDEN !

* Define contraceptive pill?
It's the second best thing that a women can keep in her mouth to avoid
pregnancy.

* What do politicians & porn stars have in common?
They are experts in switching positions in front of a camera!

* Same Sex Marriage: What's the big deal in same sex marriages?
I've been married to the same woman for 25 years and had the same old
sex all that time.

* Tension: When wife is pregnant!
Terror: When girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror: When both are pregnant!
Tragedy: When YOU are not responsible for both!

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Husband V/S Wife

Husband: Do you know the meaning of W I F E?

It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!

Wife: No darling, it means,With Idiot For Ever

************ *********

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,

So I'd be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,

So I could have a new one everyday.

************ *********

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills..

Wife: When must I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you

************ *********

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.

Husband: You should have known it the minute
I asked you to marry me.

************ *********

Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it..
So I bought 3 movie tickets.
Wife: Why Three?
Husband: For you and your parents

************ *********

Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?
Husband: A lovely Push...!!!

************ *********

 Q: What is the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?

A: Just forget it once and you will never forget it again

************ *********

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,

You know, I was a fool when I married you..

The husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice

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XX - Adult Puns!

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in
the middle of the night.
05 percent said it was to get a glass of water,
12 percent said it was to go to the toilet,
83 percent said it was to go home.

I'm not saying she's easy, but she's been on her knees more times than
Billy Graham

A blonde woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms.
She answered,
"Well, that depends on what's in it for me."
Three convicts were on their way to prison; a mobster, a drunk, and a
TEXAS Aggie.
Each was allowed to take one item to help pass the time while incarcerated.
On the bus, the drunk guy turned to the mobster and said,
"So, what did you bring?"
The mobster pulled out a box of paints and explained that he intended
to paint anything he could.
He wanted to become the DA Vinci of the prison system.
Then he asked the drunk,
"What did you bring?"
He then pulled out a deck of cards, grinned and said,
"I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."
The Aggie was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself.
The other two took notice and asked,
"Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
Pulling out a box of tampons, he said with a smile,
"I brought these."
Puzzled, the other two convicts asked,
"What can you do with THOSE?"
Pointing to the box, he replied with a grin,
"Well, according to the box , I can go horseback
-riding, swimming, roller-skating..."

A man walks into a sex shop and asks for a blow up doll.
"Christian or Muslim?" the sales assistant inquires.
The man asks : "What's the difference?"
The sales assistant says : "The Muslim one blows herself up."

The young novice nun soon realized that the absence of sex in the
convent was a problem.
She confessed to Mother Superior that it was unhealthy and she was restless.
"Comfort yourself with a candle," she was advised.
"I've tried that," she said, "But you get tired of the same thing wick
in and wick out."

The square root of 69 is "ate something." (8.xxxxxxx....)

Wire Services Late Night Edition, San Francisco, California --
Police were called to the scene where Mr. Frank, an irrigation canal
repairman was found beaten to death in a back alley.
Sam had been dispatched to repair a leaking barrier which was supposed
to be keeping water out of a lower-than-sea-level apartment complex
near 3-Com Candlestick park. Eyewitnesses described how he had
unknowingly entered a women's gay bar and asked the patrons where he
might find the crack in the dike.
The 86 year old man was acquitted of rape because the evidence
wouldn't stand up in court.

Since Frat was a flaming homosexual, all of his friends and relatives
were stunned when he got married, and even more when his wife became
pregnant.
One day, a group of them spotted Frat on the beach and they came right over.
"So, Frat, how'd it happen?" asked one of them, with a wink at the
woman's ballooning belly.
Frat blushed and pointed to a good-looking hunk standing next to his wife.
"I have that marvelous young man to thank," he explained.
"Ah, so he's your wife's lover?" pursued the friend.
"Not entirely," replied Frat with a giggle and a grin. "He's our go-between."

There's something about women that attracts me, and I'm trying to put
my finger on it.

"Doctor!" cries the embarrassed bloke, "I have a bad sexual problem. I
can't get it up for my wife anymore."
"OK," says the doc, "bring her back with you tomorrow. Mr Thomas, and
let me see what I can do."
The next day the worried fella returns with his wife.
"Take off your clothes please, Mrs Thomas," says the doc.
"Now turn all the way around.
"Lie down, please. Uh-huh, I see. OK, you can put your clothes back on."
The doc takes the husband aside.
"You're in perfect health," he says. "Your wife's so ugly she didn't
give me a fuckin' erection either.

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X - We live and learn

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a most
deserted beach at St. Kilda, Victoria.

She looked up and noticed that
a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket
on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

"How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away two years ago," he replied and
turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it
is very lonely" she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.

"Yes, I live in Brighton," he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted," Do you like
pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore
off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her
life..

When the cloud of fine sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,
"How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied. "How did you know my name is Katz?"

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Judas Asparagus

Old one but I laughed again so thought u might....

 A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is
amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.

I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what
we are teaching???Edith

Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but
God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,
but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they
weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were
driven from the Garden of Eatin' .

Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah,
who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one
of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his
family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him,
but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than
his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange
for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really
loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton
Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the
evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These
plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.. Then he gave them
His Top Ten Commandments.

These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to
use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over
on the town.

After Joshua came David.. He got to be king by killing a giant with a
slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500
porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very
wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.

One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then
barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets,
but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of
The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born
in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door!
Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of
fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the
Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a
terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to
some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius
the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands
instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.

He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His
return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

 

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Ramblings of a Retired Mind ..

I  was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell
phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse.
I can't afford one.
So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call
blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people
didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you
still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce
it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it
'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease.
That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?'
Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case
of an emergency.
I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
we supposed to do...write to these men?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the
mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?
Or better yet, arrest them  while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Holy Books a whole
lot more as they get older.
Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

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XX- Adult Puns!

Faced with some of the world's strictest anti-drug laws, some addicts
in Malaysia are sniffing fresh cow dung to get high.
The cow dung emits gases like sulfur, and addicts sniff on these gases
to get high.
This gives new meaning to the comment,
"Wow man, this is some good shit."

Two policemen, one a rookie, the other an older red neck cop, were
making their rounds through a lover's lane type of spot, when they
spied a very young couple fooling around in a tent.
"Cletus, what should we do?"
The rookie cop always deferred to his more experienced partner.
Cletus spat some tobacco juice on the ground.
"Bo, we tell the little punk to scram, and then we have some fun with
little Miss Purty, or we throw 'em both in jail. That's what we do!"
Cletus told Bo to go first, and Bo did.
The boy ran off into the woods and Cletus watched the tent shake,
rattle and roll for the next ten minutes.
The girl didn't seem to be too upset that her little boyfriend was gone either!
Bo came back to the car zipping up his uniform, and Cletus went
drooling to the tent. Cletus entered and said,
"Now, little girl, you're gonna find out what it's like with a real man."
From under the blanket, Cletus heard an incredulous familiar voice say,
"Daddy?"

Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A: Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast
and puts him to sleep first.

There is a raffle at the local Jewish Community Center and prizes are
being drawn.
"4th prize, which goes to Hymie Himmelfarb, is a Rolls Royce."
Huge applause.
Hymie goes up to collect his keys and shake hands.
"3rd prize, which goes to Frank Myers, is a Rolls Royce and a check
for $10,000."
Huge applause.
Frank goes up to collect his keys and check and shake hands.
"2nd prize, which goes to Abe Epstein, is a piece of fruit cake!"
Ghastly silence.
Abe goes up to the stage to the presenter.
"What do you mean, a piece of fruit cake? 4th prize was a Rolls Royce,
3rd prize was a Rolls Royce plus a check for $10,000, so what the hell
do you mean a piece of fruit cake for the second prize?"
 "Ah," says the presenter, "This is special fruit cake. It's made by
the Rabbi's wife"
"Fxxk the Rabbi's wife" says Abe, hysterically.
"What? You want the first prize as well?" came the reply.

Did you hear about the new high school course?
Intercourse.
You go between periods and you are expected to come.

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was
having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely
impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.
He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth
control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the
woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying,
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

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XX -Adult Puns!

As it happened, their wedding night fell during a religious holiday,
and, devout Episcopalian that he was, Mr. Rogers simply couldn't make
love to his virginal bride.
"I'm sorry," he said as they snuggled in bed, "but I can't have you
tonight. It's Lent."
Her brow crinkling with concern, his new bride said,
"Okay... But to whom and for how long?"

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a simple
stage direction. My copy of the script clearly said,
"Enter Juliet from the rear."

After their recent wedding, Jennie and Brad got away for a few days on
a brief honeymoon.
While she was inspecting their honeymoon hotel room Jennie discovered
a little box attached to the bed.
"What's this for?" she asked Brad.
"If you put a quarter in," he answered, reaching into his pocket," the
bed starts vibrating."
"Save your money," Jennie giggled and said. "When you're a quarter in,
I start vibrating!"

The 69 position is like driving in rush hour,
The asshole is always in front of you!

A young Scotsman was all set up for his very first screw, but his
girlfriend says,
"Sorry Jock, not without a condom."
Young Jock searched the town high and low, but being a Sunday, every
place was closed.
Walking around, he eventually met Old Angus, a very good friend of his father.
Young Jock explained his problem.
Old Angus said,
"Don't worry son, I can help you out."
Young Jock took off and the night was beyond his wildest expectations.
A week later, he met Old Angus in the street and told him about his experience.
"It was wonderful, Angus. Thanks to you, I had the best time I have ever had."
"Just glad I could help out son; now where's the condom?" asked Old Angus.
Young Jock looked at him and replied,
"I threw it away."
Old Angus, with a scowl on his face, said,
 "Ah, yer in trouble now laddie -- that condom belonged to the club!"

Girls say they like a sensitive man,
But then they complain about my premature ejaculation.

Driving down U S 85 in South Carolina, I was getting low on gas, so I
exited to fill up in a small town.
On the outskirts of town, there apparently was a revival meeting going
on in a huge tent pitched in a field.
A large sign was on the street corner proclaiming....
"If you are weary of sin and want to be saved, turn here, go 100
yards, and come into the revival tent."
Below the sign someone had hung another smaller one:
"IF NOT WEARY, CALL SHERRY 555-3550."

Hershey Bar:
Another name for a lesbian cocktail lounge

Last night, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.
When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill
and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.
She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his
other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls
out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill.
I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just
stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me!
Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on
to try to top the $50.
My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet..
What could I do?
The woman in me took over!
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed
the eighty bucks and left!

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Salt & Pepper.

Oldie but still good

Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher.
A few years ago there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco and
several members lunched at a local cafe.
While dining they discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper
and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling and
using only the implements at hand?

Clearly this was a job for Mensa!

The group debated and presented ideas and finally came up with a
brilliant solution involving a napkin a straw and an empty saucer.
They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am" they said "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker
contains salt and the salt shaker..."

"Oh" the waitress interrupted.
"Sorry about that."
She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

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XXX - Adult Puns!

Some are triple X - Caution.

Not for prudes

There once was a young man from Rhode Isle
Who said jogging just wasn't his style
"I'll get my workouts," he said.
While at home in my bed,
'Cos a Miss is as good as a mile."

Medical history was recently made at a famous children's hospital.
A baby boy was born with no eyelids,
So they fashioned replacements with his circumcised foreskin.
Everything seemed fine until they realized he turned out cock-eyed.

If it weren't for pickpockets,
I'd have no sex life at all.
The managers of the A1 Steak Sauce company were impressed by their new
billboard.
It showed a handsome-husband-type seated in front of a large plate of
steak and potatoes in a smart restaurant.
A pretty, buxom young waitress was standing over him, handing him a
bottle of A1. Originally they had titled the billboard,
"What Does She Know About Your Husband That You Don't?"
But after complaints from members of the board, that the ad was too
suggestive, they changed the headline.
Now it reads:
"He Gets It Downtown, Why Not Give It To Him At Home?"

Sex is very much like drugs as the quality depends on the pusher.

The preacher got up in church one Sunday morning and told the congregation,
"Brothers and sisters, we are going to have to do something about
teenagers parking behind the church at night. I was out there this
morning and there are enough beer cans out there to build a car."
One of the old sisters stood up and said,
"Amen brother, and enough rubbers to put tires on it."

An elderly couple was sitting on the out porch when the husband turned
to his wife and, "Muffin, I feel like making love tonight."
The wife replied,
"Ok Ernest, I will let you, but be gentle this time."
"But I am always gentle with you, dearest,"
"That's not true," she replied,
"The last time you woke me up twice!"

Did you hear about the new high school course?
Intercourse.
You go between periods and you are expected to come.

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies
sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting
there in the car.
Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed. So
we're just waiting."

How does a lesbian hold her liquor?
By the ears.

One day Pebbles Flintstone was in bed with Fred and Wilma.
They were both naked. Pebbles sees Fred's penis and says,
"Daddy, what's that?" and Fred says
"Th-that's... Um... that's daddy's rock."
A little while later Pebbles looks down and sees Wilma's vagina.
"What's that, mommy?" she asks.
"Oh.. That.. that's mommy's rock grinder."
All of a sudden Pebbles sits up and says,
"I get it! Daddy puts his rock into mommy's rock grinder and out comes pebbles!"

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Pope & Tiger Wood

Rather sacrilegious but still funny..

The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an
administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to
Heaven.  The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk
in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an
error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it
can be rectified".

 Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

 On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and
they stop to have a chat.  "Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the
Pope. "No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

 Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"

 Tiger: "Why is that?"

 Pope: "All my life I have
 wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

 Tiger: "You're a day late."

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XX - Adult Puns!

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate.
This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity,
approached her.
"Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the
collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I
don't need I give to the church."
"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
"Oh, $2,000 a week"
"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honourable profession. Where does he practice?"
"Well, he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas."

Did you hear about the guy who went to visit the Home for the
Profoundly Retarded and met a young female patient there who had
practically nothing on?
When he went back to revisit nine months later she had a little moron.

Paul picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home.
While they were walking home he didn't say a thing.
"You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing.
"Nah," Paul replied and pulled out his old fella.
"I do all my talking with this."
"Damn," said the girl as she leaned forward to look.
"You don't have much to say, do you?"

Sheri and Rosey were were talking about the new hottie in the neighbourhood.
'But he acts so stupid.' said Sheri.
'I think he must have his brains between his legs.'
'Yeah,' sighed Rosey, 'but I'd sure love to blow his mind.'

A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken.
The hot nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger.
After finishing, she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away
the excess blood.
She can't find one, so she looks innocently at the guy, takes his
finger, and sucks it.
The guy is so heated up he asks;
"Do you think I could also get a urine test done?"

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said,
"How can you tell them apart?"
He said,
"Her brother's got a moustache!"

A guy rushes into the bar and tells the bartender,
"The beers are on me!. My wife ran away with my best friend."
The bartender smiles and asks,
"That's a shame, how come you aren't unhappy?"
"Why should I be unhappy?" replies the guy, "They saved me a
fortune... Both of them are pregnant!"

The difference between a man and a vibrator is one is cold and
impersonal, and the other needs a battery.

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.
They asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said,
"I wanna watch."

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Conversation with God

man   :    Hello God ?
God   :    yes ?
man   :    Can I ask you something ?
God   :    sure …..
man   :    What's a million years to you ?
God   :    a second
man   :    and a million euros ?
God   :    a cent
man   :    God, could you spare me a cent?
God   :   just a second ….

 

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Computers....there is hope for me yet..

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!  If you
skip any, you have to read the last one!  Unbelievable, but supposedly
all true!!!!

============ ========= ========= ===

Tech support:   What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer:   A white one...

 ============ ===

Customer:   Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support:  Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer:  Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support:  That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer:  No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's
still on my desk... sorry....

============ ===

Tech support:  Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer:  Your left or my left?

============ ===

Tech support:  Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer:   Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start'  for me and...
Customer:  Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

============ ===

Customer:  Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every
time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'.  I've even lifted the
printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still
says he can't find it...

============ == =

Customer:  I have problems printing in red...
Tech support:  Do you have a color printer?
Customer:  Aaaah....... ......... ....thank you.

============ ===

Tech support:  What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer:   A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.

============ ===

Customer:   My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support:  Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer:  No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support:  Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:!   OK
Tech support:   Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer:  Yes
Tech support:  That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
Customer:  Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

============ ===

Tech support:   Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a
capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer:  Is that 7 in capital letters ?

== ============ =

Customer:  can't get on the Internet.
Tech support:  Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer:  Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support:  Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer:  Five stars.

============ ===

Tech support:   What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer:  Netscape.
Tech support:  That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer:  Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

============ ===

Customer:   I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver
on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

============ ===

Tech support:  How may I help you?
Customer:  I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support:  OK,  and what seems to be the problem?
Customer:  Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I
get the circle around it?

============ ===

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support:  Are you running it under windows?
Customer:  'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
 The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his
printer is working fine.'

============ ===

And last but not least...

Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at
the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer:  I don't have a P.
Tech support:  On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer:   What do you mean?
Tech support:  'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer:  I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

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XX - Adult Puns.

Rabbi Levy is addressing the 'Enlighten Your Daughter' meeting of the
synagogue women's guild.
"Ladies," he says, "I'm sure some of you know by now that the
unfortunate Jonathan Bloom has been sent to prison for making love to
his wife Sadie's dead body."
A number of 'Oy Vays' are heard from the ladies present.
"You might also be interested to know," the Rabbi goes on to say,
"that I spoke to Jonathan yesterday and I now firmly believe that his
actions were entirely innocent and accidental.
So, although we are all feeling sorry for Jonathan, there is a lesson
to be learned. Ladies, go back home to your daughters and tell them
that when making love with a good Jewish husband, they should please
make a little wiggle."

The best secretary in the world to have is the one that never misses a period.

Doing the missionary position does not mean you have sex in a church.

Tom in deep thoughts is sitting calm, very quiet. Jerry asks,
"What is wrong with you, Tom?"
"Please don't ask." "I am your childhood friend. Talk to me."
"My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant."
"That's not possible."
"No, he did."
"How's that possible?"
"He punctured my condoms!"

The gay burglar couldn't blow the safe, so he went down on the elevator.

One day an old farmer fell asleep in the top level in a 2 level hay shed.
When he woke up, he found his son having sex with his girlfriend on
the bottom level of the hay shed.
He decided he wouldn't disturb them,
So, he laid down and rested.
After a while he heard his son say,
"Father, father up above. Give me strength for one last shove."
So the father, being smart, replied,
"Son, son down below. Get off and give your father a go."

"I broke my glasses when I was kissing my girl,"
"How could you break your glasses kissing a girl?"
"You see, she crossed her legs..."

The blonde was upset when she got her Driver's License because she got
an F in sex.

It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court, the Police had
rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and brought them
before the Judge;
Three stood before him, all arrested on the same corner.
He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself.
The woman was irate,
"I don't know what all this is about your Honor. I'm a college student
doing research for a term paper."
The Judge sighed and said,
"Well, Miss, I would have thought you'd done enough research by now.
My computer says you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250
fine."
He then turned to the second lady and requested her to testify.
The woman began crying softly and said,
"Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my
husband. I have no idea why I was arrested."
This time, the Judge shook his head and said,
"Well, young lady, the officer tells me that he saw you had a stack of
bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' in his new Cadillac.
Thirty days and $250 fine."
He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation.
The woman said simply,
"I'm a hooker."
Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said,
"How's business?"
She sneered and replied,
"Terrible Judge, with all these students and housewives undercutting
me, I can't turn a single trick."

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Not another Irish joke ...

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back
home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord
goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll
buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local in London, the Red
Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first
two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite
pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink,
then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had
enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid,
all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The
Irishman swore every word was true.

"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did
happen to me sister quite a few times."

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X - Adult Puns!

Two farmers, farmer Bob and farmer Dan, are having beers in the local bar.
Farmer Bob is a younger man, somewhat new to the farming business.
Conversely, farmer Dan has been doing it for nearly 20 years and is
the most successful man in town.
After a few hours of drinking, farmer Bob gets up and says,
"I'm gonna go home to feed the beaver."
Farmer Dan asks,
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Farmer Bob replies,
"Well, my wife doesn't know about it, but I like to use names of
chores on the farm for having sex."
A few months later, farmer Bob's tractor breaks down.
He's so distraught, he decides to drown his sorrows at the local bar.
After sulking for a few hours, farmer Bob decides to return home.
To his surprise, he finds a brand new tractor in front of his house.
He begins to jump for joy. He runs inside to look for his wife.
Farmer Bob says to his wife,
"Honey, where did this great tractor come from?"
His wife replies,
"Well, farmer Dan gave it to me. All I had to do was handle his eggs,
and milk his udder!"

Hannibal Lector didn't eat people that work at Texaco because they give him gas.

Handsome Vinnie had a great vacation visiting the back room of every
gay bar on Castro Street, but it left him somewhat worse for wear.
When he got home he called up a friend who practiced homeopathic
medicine and complained that his rectum was terribly swollen and
tender.
The friend recommended making a poultice of herbal tea leaves and
applying it to the area.
It did relieve the irritation a bit, but the next morning found Vinnie
still in considerable discomfort.
So he hobbled over to the office of a proctologist who served the gay community.
In the examining room, the good-looking fellow bent over and spread his cheeks.
The doctor clucked sympathetically and started investigating.
"Well, Doctor?" asked Vinnie after a few minutes had passed.
"What's the diagnosis?"
"It's not completely clear, darling," admitted the proctologist, "but
the tea leaves recommend a Caribbean cruise for the two of us."

The movie star's fans were disappointed in his first nude movie
because he had a very small part.

Two accountants were discussing a colleague's interest in one of the
firm's new secretaries.
"I just don't get it." said one.
"She's an airhead -- nothing going on upstairs."
"That may be true," replied the other, "but I don't think that's the
floor he's getting off on."

Guys... Just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

The young lady admired the watch in the store window every time she
walked by it.
She finally entered the shop one day and said,
"Just how much is that watch?"
"It's $2000, ma'am."
"Hmmm. Well, would you consider time payments for it?" "
Just what sort of 'time schedule' did you have in mind?"
"I was thinking two times a week for the next two months."

The fastest way to a fisherman's heart is through his fly.

Pete, a very proper man started going into the neighbourhood chemist
every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms.
Week after week, he would come in with the same order.
One day, the pharamist, Jim felt he had to say something to Pete.
"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky!
How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"
Pete looked at him in disgust and said,
"I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"
So, Jim asked,
"Then what do you do with all those condoms?"
Pete answered,
"I feed them to my poodle. This way when she goes to the bathroom, she
shits in little plastic baggies."

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MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES:

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other
Laura, Kate and  Sarah.
If Mike , Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT:

When the bill arrives, Mike , Dave and John will each throw in $20,
even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything
smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY:

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS:

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a  towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A
man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these  items.

ARGUMENTS:

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS:

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL:

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING:

Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods,
secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE  DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing!

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1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

 This is something we should all read at least once a week! Make sure
you read to the end.____________________

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of "The Plain Dealer", Cleveland , Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught
me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends
and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree..
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their
journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry;
God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one
is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no
for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.
Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years,
will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you
did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,
we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

It's estimated 93% won't forward this. If you are one of the 7% who
will, forward this with the title '7%'.
I'm in the 7%. Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves.

I did better - have it in the Blog.

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hilarious!

The following have all appeared in church magazines so let us thank
God for church ladies with typewriters.

--------------------------
Next weekend's Fasting & Prayer Conference in Whitby includes all meals.
--------------------------
Sunday morning sermon: 'Jesus Walks on the Water'
Sunday evening sermon: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation .
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is
Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door.
--------------------------
The school drama group will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church hall on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!'

 

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A Child's Fears... (Poem)

I think my dad is Dracula.
I know that sounds insane,
but listen for a moment and
allow me to explain.

We don't live in a castle,
and we never sleep in caves.

But, still, there's something weird
About the way my dad behaves.

I never see him go out
In the daytime when it's light.
He sleeps all day till evening,
Then he leaves the house at night.

He comes home in the morning
Saying, "Man, I'm really dead!"
He kisses us Goodnight,
And then by sunrise he's in bed.

My mom heard my suspicion
And she said, "You're not too swift.
Your father's not a vampire.
He just works the graveyard shift."

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Cricket facts

A little known fact

The first testicular guard(ball guard) was used in cricket in 1874 and
the first helmet was used in 1974.
It took 100 years for men to realize that their brain could also be important.

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The Italian secrets for a long Marriage

At St. Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husbands' marriage
seminar. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who was
approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and
share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same
woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Well-a, I've a-tried to
treat-a her nice-a, spend-a da money on her, but best-a of all-a is, I
took-a her to Italy for our 25th anniversary!'
The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all
the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife
for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, 'I'm a-gonna go get her. '

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XX - Adult Puns!

These are really good but ADULT humor. If you are an adult but think
like a child - dont..

A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon.
'Care to go upstairs and have a shag?' the husband asks.
'Shhh!' said the bride. 'All the neighbours will know what we're about
to do. These walls are paper-thin. In the future, we'll have to ask
each other in code. For example, how about asking,
"Have you left the washing machine door open" instead?'
So, the following night, the husband asks,
'I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open did you?'
'No, I definitely shut it,' replied the wife who rolled over and went to sleep.
When she woke up, however, she was feeling a little randy herself and
she nudged her husband and said,
'I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would
you like to do some washing?'
'No thanks,' said the husband, 'it was only a small load and I've done
it by hand.'

I'm not saying she's easy, but she's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.

"My but you look different today Sunshine." commented Renee to her co-worker.
"Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did
you use special curlers and some dramatic eye make-up?"
"No !" replied Sunshine. "My damn vibrator shorted out this morning."

Ninety percent of men who try Camels prefer women.
The young lady admired the watch in the store window every time she
walked by it.
She finally entered the shop one day and said,
"Just how much is that watch?"
"It's $2,000, ma'am."
"Hmmm. Well, would you consider time payments for it?"
"Just what sort of 'time schedule' did you have in mind?"
"I was thinking two times a week for the next two months."

The difference between a girlfriend and wife is 10 years and 45 lbs.
The difference between a boyfriend and husband is 45 minutes.

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it.
He says,
"Hey Dad! What are you doing?"
His father says,
"I'm filling your mother's tank."
Little Johnny says,
"Yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets better mileage. The
milkman filled her this morning."

Air is a lot like sex because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

A woman has a problem with her closet door, it was falling every time
a bus was passing by.
So, she called a repair man.
The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every
time when a bus passes by.
"OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me"
and he steps into the closet.
At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds
the repairman. Husband: "What the hell are you doing here!"
Repairman: "Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!"

In case of fallout, put it back in and take shorter strokes!

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she
was about to have a heart transplant.
The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the
surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said,
"Doctor, I'm worried about my friend."
The Doctor said,
"Nothing to worry about, your friend is in extremely good health,
except for her heart condition. How long has she been in the
business?"
The patient's friend replied
"She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to
do with anything?" "Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for
16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to
start now!"

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WILL LOVE THIS INTERVIEW

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood
mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he
expected to do this job since he was blind.
The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to
test him, places a piece of wood in
front of him, and asks, "What is it without touching it?"
The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir."
"Correct, says the manager, now try this one."
"That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers
the manager.
With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man.
He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the
blind mans face.
"I'm confused, says the blind man, "Can you turn it around?"
The secretary turns around and puts her arse in his face. The blind man says,
"Oh, you"re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of
wood that is. It's the shit-house door off a tuna boat!"

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Children Writing About the Ocean...

The last one is hilarious

1) - This is a picture of an octopus.
It has eight testicles.
(Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island.
If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent.
( Wayne , age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson.
She's not my friend any more.
(Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
pots and comes back with crabs.
(Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to
Cross the ocean.
Sometimes when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make
the wind come.
My brother said they would have been better off eating beans.
(William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean.
I like mermaids.
They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do
mermaids get pregnant?
Like, really?
(Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean.
My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and
my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous.
Jellyfish can sting.
Electric eels can give you a shock.
They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to
plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes
my willy small.
(Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water..
Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
(Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing.
She fell off when she was going very fast.
She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass.
(Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish.
Why the fish don't drown I don't know.
(Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean.
He knows all about the ocean.
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)

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THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ALL GRANDPAS FEEL WARM & FUZZY

 A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and
bursts into her Grandpa's room .....

 "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes
into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise  like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you
croak, we're  all going to Disney Land !"

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S*X with an Older man

Not politically correct but a good one

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey,
Oprah asked,' Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You
are always working; at your age I think it's remarkable.'

Mr. Burns said, 'I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do
when I do it.'

Oprah said, 'I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.'

George said, 'Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite proficient.'

Oprah said, 'I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?'
So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, 'I don't believe
I've ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man.'

George said, 'The second time is even better than the first time."

Oprah said, 'You can really do it again at your age?'

George said, 'Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in
your left hand and my love member in your right hand and wake me up in
thirty minutes.'

When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside
herself with joy.
She said, 'Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat
performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh
My, Oh My!!!'

George said that the third time would be even better. 'You just hold
my testicles in your left hand and my love member in your right hand
and wake me in thirty minutes.'

Oprah said, 'Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?'

George said, 'No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she
stole my wallet.

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Three Nuns

First nun: Do you know what I found when I was putting order to the
Father's office the other day? A bunch of porn magazines!

The second and third nun gasp.

Third nun: So, what did you do?

First nun: I burned them of course!

Second nun: Well, you don't know the worst of it! I found a pack of
condoms when I was cleaning his room!

The first and third nun gasp.

First nun: And what did you do?!

Second nun: *grins* I *****ed holes on all of them, of course!

And the third nun faints.

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Reverse Dynamics

The Theory of Reverse Dynamics

When a man becomes rich, he becomes naughty, and

when a woman becomes naughty, she becomes rich ..

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IDIOTS so far in 2009.

Number One Idiot, so far in 2009

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control centre.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little
daughter eating ants.  I quickly reassured her that the ants are not
harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the
hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to
mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to
kill the ants.  I told her that she better bring her daughter into the
emergency room right away..

Number Two Idiot so far in 2009

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal
a life raft from one of the 747s.  They were successful in getting it out
of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a
Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer
employed at Boeing.

Number Three Idiot so far in 2009

A man, wanting to rob a Bank of Queensland , walked into the Branch and
wrote 'Put all your muny in this bag.'
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began
to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
police before he reached the teller's window.  So he left the Bank and
crossed the street to the NAB Bank.  After waiting a few minutes in
line, he handed his note to the teller.  She read it and, surmising from
his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour,
told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was
written on a Bank of  Queensland deposit slip and that he would either
have to fill out a NAB deposit slip or go back to Bank of  Queensland ....
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
the Bank of  Queensland . Happened in Noosa!

Number Four Idiot so far in 2009

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all
of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.  He told the
cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said,
'Because I don't believe you are over 21.'  The robber said he was, but
the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe
him.  At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his
wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and
she put the Scotch in the bag.  The robber then ran from the store with
his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of
the robber that she got off the licence.  They arrested the robber two
hours later.

Number Five Idiot so far in 2009

A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The
first one shouted, 'Nobody move!'  When his partner moved, the startled
first bandit shot him..

Number Six Idiot so far in 2009

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just
throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window.  The
brick bounced back knocking him unconscious.  It seems the liquor store
window was made of Flexi-Glass... The whole event was caught on
videotape..  Perth  WA ...

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger..
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said
he was sorry, but they only had iceberg..
Happened in Surfers  Paradise  !!!

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, ''Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge? To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in  Melbourne ...

JUST AN IDIOT :

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealers to pick up our car, we
were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door
handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know - I already done that side.'
This was at the FORD dealership Dubbo.

 

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XXX - Adult Puns!

Some are really crude...so if a prude...stay away...

Q: What type of music sounds like periods in a woman's life?
A: Rag Time

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her
youngest daughter walks in.
"Mum, where do babies come from?"
"Well dear, a mummy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night,
they go into their room, they kiss and hug and have sex."
The daughter looks puzzled.
"That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how
you get a baby."
"Oh I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had
daddy's penis in your mouth.
What do you get when you do that?"
"Jewelry, dear."

Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.
She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.
I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.
Apparently, I'm not welcome back at KFC.

My husband had been stationed in Europe and away from home for what
seemed likae years when I went for my annual gynecological checkup.
My doctor asked the usual questions, including what I was using for
birth control.
I gave the only possible response I could:
"The Atlantic Ocean."

Most males in a men's room are stand-up guys.

Tom was in Las Vegas gambling and having a run of bad luck.
He lost all his money and was now waiting for his bank to wire him some more.
He was on his way up to his hotel room when he meets a beautiful
hooker in the elevator. He is smitten with her and tells her that he
wants to make love to her right now.
The hooker says,
"Honey, if you got the cash, we can make your wish come true."
Tom realizes he doesn't have any money on him yet and tells the hooker
that he will have the money in about an hour or so.
The hooker says,
"No money, no lovin'"
Tom pleads with her but the hooker does not give in.
She tells him that when he gets the money she will be more than happy
to oblige him, but she actually does find Tom attractive so she
reaches over to his pants, unzips his fly, takes his penis in her hand
and then proceeds to write on it the following - Gloria 357-6262, when
you have $$$.
Tom returns to his room and a couple of hours later, the money from
his bank finally arrives.
He immediately rushes to the phone to call his "dream woman".
He unzips his pants so he can retrieve the number off his penis, but
alas his erection was gone and in order to read the number he starts
rubbing his penis frantically.
At that very moment, the maid entered his room to clean and shrieked
at this sight.
Tom says to the maid,
"Don't worry, I'm just trying to make a phone call."

The prostitute with a degree in psychology really blows your mind.

For his 60th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to an elderly medicine man living on
a nearby reservation, who was rumored to have the absolute cure for
erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his
certificate to the medicine man and wondered what type of hokey pokey
was in store.
The medicine man told him,
"When you take this, say 1-2-3 & you will be ready."
As the man walked away, miracle in hand, he asked,
"How do I stop this from working?"
"Your partner must say "1-2-3-4".
When she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full
moon", he replied.
The man was very eager to see if the stuff worked so he went home,
showered, shaved, doused himself in cologne & took a spoonful of the
miracle medicine, then called his wife into the bedroom.
When his wife came in, he said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began ripping off her clothes, when she suddenly asked,
"What was the 1-2-3 for ?"
Which is why it is improper to end a sentence with a preposition,
because you could find yourself with a dangling participle.

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The Potty.

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.
HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG.

SO, SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.
THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK.
BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO TO
THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD
WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS:
"BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?  YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE..
BILLY SAYS:
"I'M FINE, MOMMY..  I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."
MOTHER SAYS:
"OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU
HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS:
"WORKS FOR KETCHUP."

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