Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Fwd: Aboriginal Tracker - AMAZING!

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End.
On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the
Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air,
under the sea. The Americans were incredulous.

Later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and
discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one
ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in
the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered
around the prostrate Aborigine.

"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you
listening for?"
The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Baliant
Ute. It's a red one.
The left pront tyre is bald. The pront end is out of whack, and him
got bloody dents in every panel. There are 9 black fellas in the back,
all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6
dogs on the front seat."
The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and
detailed knowledge. "God man, how do you know all that?," asked one.
The Aborigine replied......... "I fell out of the pucken thing about
half an hour ago!".

Read More...

Fwd: FW: Jokes--445--How do these people seek a wife?

How do these people seek a wife?

FISHERMAN
Wife wanted, must be able to dig, clean, cook worms and clean fish.
Must have own boat with motor. Please send photograph of motorboat.

SALESMAN
Once in a lifetime offer, to get yourself the original, genuine
article. One of the most handsome and smartest bachelor's around is
now looking for a wife. And you could be the lucky one he chooses! Has
own house, car and successful career!

ECONOMIST
I am in demand of a wife. Supply is great though my requirements are
high. However the Elasticity of my demands should not bear too heavy a
burden upon the national interest.

MATHEMATICIAN
Wife required to complete the formula of my life. Must be numerate and
understand complex algebraic logarithms. Needed to help further my
family unit.

IT CONSULTANT
Well there is definite room for improvement in my life. The speed of
my current flows of information and processes is slowing down and the
injection of a wife into my life is bound to improve efficiency.
Compatibility could be an issue.

BUSINESS MAN
Wife wanted for company.

POLITICIAN
I feel there is a need in this world, to improve the ways we live, to
harmonize the processes of life and to build upon past differences and
short comings. I believe that we the people need someone to share our
lives. To feel the joys of parent hood, and bear the social
responsibilities, as we should in a civilized society.................
(etc etc and never getting to the point)

CAR DEALER
Wanted a sturdy, reliable, low depreciating wife. Should be in
excellent working condition.

FARMER
Wanted a wife from good stock. Required for breading.

LAWYER
I hereby propose to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the
post of wife after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be
strictly -a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl, with evidence to
support this view that she is a girl. The girl should be willing to
surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself. Any
objections would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in
limited confidence as all liabilities are null and
void in the event of failure on our part of any kind whatsoever.

PILOT
Wife required to complete my life. Please only level headed
applicants. She must not have her heads in the clouds, but have her
feet firmly on the ground. Her heart must be in it for the long haul.
And she absolutely must also be aerodynamically sound!!!

BANKER
Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.

ACCOUNTANT
Required a girl - 5'8' & 36' 24' 36' with a good head for figures. She
must be averse to making unnecessary expenditure and her very nature
should be one of generating as few expenses in my life as possible.
She should profit from a nice personality and be a credit to her
family.

SHIRABI
Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a drinks factory.
I am an occasional alcoholic who drinks only when friends come round.
Friends come round only seven times a week. Girl preferred who can
carry me from bar to ghar-bar. Meet personally in a bar or send drinks
for trial. Sample should be ample.

MINICAB DRIVER
Hello! Hello! number 9 calling. This is number 9 I'm calling from
base, erm a wife is needed for pick me up. Driving license not
necessary, but map reading
skills are a bonus.

BUILDER
Wanted a wife to help build upon the foundations of my life. Must be
homely and willing to build relationship from the ground up.

DOCTOR
I am looking for a wife to cure the emptiness in my life. However if
you feel the need for a second opinion then it's fine by me.

ARMY COMMANDO
My mission in life is to find myself the perfect wife. Successful
applicants must be able to use a penknife and a compass. She who dares
wins. Camouflage provided.

RACE CAR DRIVER
A model wife required to fit in with my fast track life. Must be able
to keep pace!

ASTRONAUT
I'm searching for a wife to fill the space in my life. Someone to
share my universe. Must have looks that are out of this world!

Read More...

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Fwd: The gallant Scotsman...

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It smells absolutely incredible!"
Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thought,
"What the heck..., I'll give her a treat!"


So, they walked past it again...

Read More...

Tuesday, April 07, 2015

Fwd: Lawyers don't lie.

A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental
agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was
having difficulty in finding a new home.

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him
because they knew that the children would destroy the home.

He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all,
lawyers cannot and do not lie.

So, he had an idea : he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with
11 children.
He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the Real Estate Agent.

He liked one of the homes and the agent asked:
"How many children do you have ?"
He answered:
"12 children".

The agent asked
"Where are the others?
The lawyer answered, with a sad look,
"They are in the cemetery with their mother".

And that's the way he was able to rent a home for his family without lying.

MORAL: It is not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words.
Lawyers don't lie ...they are creative ....

Read More...

Fwd: "No Jews please" - Touche

"No Jews please" - Touche



A U.S. Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from
the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would
like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in
their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance."

"They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of
polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as
they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last
point: "No Jews please."

Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:
"Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest
possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of
my best and most prized officers."

"One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an
additional Master's degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship
design."

"The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a
graduate of North-Western university in Chicago, with a BS in
Aeronautical Engineering. His Master's Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical
and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is
also an astronaut candidate."

"The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer
systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting
notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech."

"Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our
ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of
Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North
Carolina. We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in
Trauma Surgery at Bethesda."

Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and
looked forward to Thursday with pleasure.

Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without
peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely
jealous

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap
at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very
handsome, smiling Black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered,
"There must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."

Read More...