Morning Jokes.

Housecleaning Hints
*
-- Windows:
Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter
against harmful and aging rays from the sun.
Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.

-- Cobwebs:
Artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb,
thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.
If someone points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply
look confused and exclaim
"What? And spoil the mood?"
(Or just throw glitter on them and call them holiday decorations.)

-- Pet Hair:
Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by
claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn
play animals for underprivileged children.
(Also keeps out cold drafts in winter.)

-- Guests:
If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one
room and close the door.
As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob
vigorously, fake a growl and say,
"I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the
shots are SO expensive."
~~~~~~~~~~
Housecleaning Hints Part 2
*
-- Dusting:
If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the
coffee table and insist that,
"This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."
-- General Cleaning:
Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of
water in a spray bottle.
Mist the air lightly.
Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations.
Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh,
I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere."
As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a
pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies
for a bake sale for a favourite charity and haven't had time to
clean...
Works every time.
-- Another favourite,
I think from Erma Bombeck:
Always keep several get-well cards on the mantle so if unexpected
guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean.
~~~~~~~~~~
How Many Wives?
A little boy was attending his first wedding with the family..
After the service, a cousin wondered aloud,
"I wonder how many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," volunteered Jenni's boy.
The cousin was amazed that the boy had figured it out so quickly and asked,
"How do you know that for sure?"
"Easy," Jenni's boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, didn't you
hear the preacher say:
'Four for better, four for worse, four richer, and four poorer,' and
that makes sixteen "
~~~~~~~~~~
Forgetful
William's wife started noticing how forgetful he was becoming.
Being the concerned wife, she convinced him to see a doctor.
William was a little worried when the doctor came in.
Sensing his patient's nervousness, the first thing the doctor did was
to ask what was troubling him.
"Well," William answered. "I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never
sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a
letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get
there, if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"
The doctor thought for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone,
"Please pay me in advance."