I hear that in the Middle East all a Muslim man has to do to divorce
his wife is to say "I divorce you" three times.(and perhaps by email)
Heck, in the US, it's easier. All a man has to say is "Yes, that dress
makes your butt look fat" once.
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on...........& enjoy!
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would
all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars
with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a
new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the
car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some
reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning
light.
I love the next one!!!
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned
the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how
to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the
same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
2 TOUGH QUESTIONS ……..
*Question 1:*
If you knew a woman who was pregnant,
Who had 8 kids already,
Three who were deaf,
Two who were blind,
One mentally retarded,
And she had syphilis,
Would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.
*Question 2:*
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.. Here are
the facts about the three candidates.
*Candidate A:*
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists.
He's had two mistresses.
He also chain smokes
And drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
*Candidate B:*
He was kicked out of office twice,
Sleeps until noon,
Used opium in college
And drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
*Candidate C:*
He is a decorated war hero
,
He's a vegetarian,
Doesn't smoke,
Drinks an occasional beer
And never committed adultery.
Which of these candidates would be your choice?
Decide first ... No peeking, and then scroll down for the response.
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:
If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.
Pretty interesting isn't it?
Makes a person think before judging someone.
Remember:
Amateurs ... Built the ark.
Professionals ... Built the Titanic
After being married for thirty years....a wife asked
her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C,
D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks..... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful,
Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."
She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely.
....
What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
His eye is still swollen....but it will get better.............
Letter-Perfect Grammar Puns
By Richard Lederer
A consonant walks into a bar and sits down next to a vowelly girl.
"Hi!" he says. "I'll alphabet that you've never been here before."
"Of cursive I have," she replies. "I come here, like, all the time.
For me, it's parse for the course."
The consonant remains stationery, enveloped by the vowelly girl's
letter-perfect charm.
"Here's a cute joke" he states declaratively. "Up at the North Pole,
St. Nicholas is the main Claus. His wife is a relative Claus. His
children are dependent Clauses. Their Dutch uncle is a restrictive
Claus. And Santa's elves are subordinate Clauses. As a group, they're
all re noun Clauses."
Then he lays on some more dashes of humour: "Have you heard about the
fellow who had half his digestive tract removed? He walked around with
a semi-colon."
"Are you like pre positioning me?" asks the vowelly girl.
"I won't be indirect. You are the object of my preposition. Your
beauty phrase my nerves. Won't you come up to my place for a
coordinating conjunction?"
"I don't want to be diacritical of you, but you're like, such a
boldfaced character!" replies the vowelly girl. "Like do I have to
spell it out to you, or are you just plain comma-tose? You're not my
type, so get off my case!"
Despite his past perfect, he is, at present, tense.
"Puhleeze, gag me with a spoonerism!" she objects. "As my Grammar and
other correlatives used to say, your mind is in the guttural. I resent
your umlautish behaviour. You should know what the wages of syntax
are. I nominative absolutely decline to conjugate with you fersure!"
"You get high quotation marks for that one," he smiles, "even if I
think you're being rather subjunctive and moody about all this. I so
admire your figure of speech that I would like to predicate my life on
yours." So he gets himself into an indicative mood and says, "It would
be appreciated by me if you would be married to me."
"Are you being passive aggressive?" she asks interrogatively.
"No, I'm speaking in the active voice. Please don't have a vowel
movement about this. I simile want to say to you, 'Metaphors be with
you!' I would never want to change you and become a misplaced
modifier. It's imperative that you understand that I'm very, very font
of you and want us to spend infinitive together."
"That's quite a complement," she blushes -- and gives him appositive response.
At the ceremonies they exchange wedding vowels about the compound
subject of marriage.
Finally, they say, "I do," which is actually the longest and most
complex of sentences -- a run-on sentence, actually -- one that we all
hope won't turn out to be a sentence fragment.
Then the minister diagrams that sentence and says, "I now pronouns you
consonant and vowel."
They kiss each other on the ellipsis and whisper to each other, "I
love you, noun forever."
Throughout their marriage, their structure is perfectly parallel and
their verbs never disagree with their subjects.
After many a linking verve, comma splice and interjection, they
conceive the perfect parent thesis. Then come some missing periods and
powerful contractions, and into the world is born their beautiful
little boy.
They know it is a boy because of its dangling participle
As you love texting , just make sure you do NOT mix them up with
texting codes used by Senior's as shown below..
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
LWO - Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
WTP - Where's the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Take Care.
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!
"Prostitution is the only industry where
Freshers are paid more than the experienced"
RESEARCH FINDING
Research shows men are fatter than women because every night men get
fresh milk & two big papayas,
While women only get one banana, two peanuts & one tea-spoon of starch.
What's the definition of AIDS?
Anally Injected Death Sentence.
A policeman arrested a prostitute in the Hospital area and asked for
her profession.
Prostitute: I'm a social engineer.
Policeman: What do u do?
Prostitute: I build & destroy erections
What is the resemblance between
A windscreen wiper and a woman?
When they are wet,
They do not squeak any more!
The problem with old age is that every part of your body feels stiff
except the part that you want stiff.
So, enjoy your age before old age have fun before its too late.
Thought for the day:
Behind every successful Man,
There is a satisfied Woman.
Behind every successful Man,
There is a satisfied Woman.
And behind every satisfied Woman, there is an exhausted Man.
Latest rhymes in SCHOOL.
Twinkle, twinkle little STAR,
I just went to ROYAL BAR.
Quarter rates are up so HIGH,
So, drink a beer with Chicken FRY!!!
AAADD - KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better,even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A..A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and
decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I
brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can
under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take
out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi
aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over..
The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator
to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll
water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on to the floor..
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do..
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for
it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming
Advertisement In A Long Island Shop:
Guitar, for sale........ Cheap...............no strings attached.
Ad In Hospital Waiting Room:
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!
On a bulletin board:
Success Is Relative. The more The Success, The more The Relatives.
When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...
I Gave Up Reading
My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses....
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.
You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When:
Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick..
Or when your Son starts To wipe It Off
Sign In A Bar:
'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please do Pay In Advance.'
Sign In Driving School:
If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way....
Behind Every Great Man,
There Is A Surprised Woman.
The Reason Men Lie Is Because
Women Ask too Many Questions..
Getting Caught
Is The Mother Of Invention.
Laugh And The World Laughs With You,
Snore And You sleep Alone
The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe
Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.
Sign At A Barber's Saloon In Detroit :
We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business..
Sign In A Restaurant:
All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By
The Manager.
A golfer hits his ball in to a yard next to the golf course. As he
goes to get it, a man in the yard says, 'Don't you see the sign? It
says private property, stay out.'
The golfer says; 'I am sorry, I did not see it. That is my ball
there, may I have it?'
The man says; 'it's in my yard, so it is my ball now.'
The golfer looks at the man and says; 'I understand.' He takes
another golf ball and throws it in the yard.
The man says; 'What is that for?'
The golfer says, 'I'm a gentleman. Every Prick should have two balls.'
A handful of 7 year old children were asked what they thought of beer.
There were some interesting responses, but the last one is especially
touching.
'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the
prettier my mum gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old
'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on
television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'
--Melanie, 7 years old
'My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it
and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very
funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old
''My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they
drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old
'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants
sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old
'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One
time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lily, 7 years old
'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the
sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old
'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old
AND THE BEST RESPONSE
'My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father.
Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his
bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7 years
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over.
He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the
wheel, and there was a strong smell of liquor on her breath.
He said,
"I'm going to give you a Breathalyzer test to determine if you are
under the influence of alcohol."
She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car.
After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said,
"It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She turned red, and replied,
"You mean it shows that, too?"
Guys are like roses,
Just watch out for the pricks.
One day Little Johnny got curious and asked his mother,
"Where do white babies come from?"
His mother answered
"The stork."
Little Johnny then asked,
"Where do black babies come from?"
His mother replied,
"Ravens."
Then, Little Johnny asked,
"Where do no babies come from?"
And his mother said,
"Swallows."
Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of the society;
But always remember who laid them!
The new paint called "Blonde" is not very bright,
But it spreads easy.
My wife has worked as a magician's assistant for years now.
I think she has picked up a few tricks.
I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom.
She said, "Abracadabra!" and my buddy, Dave, came out of the closet,
stark naked. Poor bastard must have wondered what the hell was going
on.
The church is now forming a Little Mothers Club.
All women desiring to become Little Mothers are asked to meet with the
pastor in his study after services.
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty
sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at
work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything
productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I
don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks
me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that
I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not
to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just
nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they
said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team
up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong,
brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get
dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on
the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button
from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every
time.
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874
and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100
years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Husband throwing darts at his wife's photo and not even
single one hitting the target.
From another room wife called the husband : "honey what
are you doing?
Husband: "MISSING U"
Tourists ask a lot of interesting questions as we travel among the
Hawaiian Islands on my charter boat.
Some people wanted to know,
"Does the water go all the way around the island?"
Another asked,
"How much farther until we're in the ocean?"
The one that made me want to jump overboard was,
"Can you please take the boat closer to the sunset?"
Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps difficult.
We attach small lights called chemlites to make our jump suits visible
to the rest of the team.
Late one night, lost after a practice jump, we knocked at the door of
a small cottage. When a woman answered, she was greeted by the sight
of five men festooned in glowing chemlites.
"Excuse me," I said, "Can you tell us where we are?"
In a thick English accent, the woman replied,
"Earth."
I believe Spud wants a pair of glasses.
I don't know why she does.
Perhaps glasses are now "cool" to have in school?
But though she sees just fine, she still says she needs glasses.
I took her to the eye doctor just to check it out though.
Spud was asked to read the bottom tow of letters on the eye chart.
She said,
"All right, I can see the 'O' and the 'P' and the 'T,' but not the 'N'
and the 'Z.'"
Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all
aspects of their future.
"What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom.
After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a
house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who
might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her
age.
Then Mom asked Dad,
"What will you do if I die first?"
He replied,
"Probably, the same thing."
If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
"When I see a monk's ass I just grab it."
Said the lazily amorous abbot.
"Although it's more fun
To have sex with a nun,
It's so hard to get into the habit!"
The difference between looking for a lost golf ball and Lady Godiva is:
One is a hunt on the course.
Billy-Joe and Betty-Sue get married, and Billy-Joe whisks her away to
his daddy's hunting cabin in the woods, for a romantic 'nature
honeymoon'.
He carries her across the threshold, and they get into bed, when
Betty-Sue whispers in his ear,
"Billy-Joe, be gentle, I ain never been with a man b'fore."
"What?" shouts Billy-Joe, and his little bride softly shakes her head.
Billy-Joe jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes, and races out the door,
into his truck, down the mountain, straight to his parents house,
rushes inside screaming
"Hey Daddy!, Paw! Git'up!"
His father rushes downstairs and gasps,
"Billy-Joe, what'r you doin here?" Billy-Joe, still breathing hard
from his mad flight, gasps "Well, Betty-Sue an I was in the cabin, and
she toll me she ain't never been with a man afore, So's I rushed outta
there, an' lit back here quick as I could!"
His father grasps Billy-Joe's shoulder in reassurance, and says,
"Son, Ya done the right thing. Iffin she ain't good'nuff fer her
family, she shure as heck ain't good'nuff fer ours!"
Confucius says:
Man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment, not get new key.
A new restaurant opened up here in town.
The restaurant is said to be doing well.
It has a remarkable motto, which is said to promote safe sex.
When asked how they do that, the owner said,
"We write the bill on on a condom. That way you can wine and dine your
date and when you are done, you can stick her with the bill."
When a horse playing golfer named Trey
Goosed a girl in the rough one fine day
He found her, though willing,
Just barely fulfilling,
"I would rate her," said Trey, "a par lay."
Masturbation is like procrastination,
it's all good and fun until you realize you are only f**king yourself.
Peter and Alfred Nussbaum were tailors and partners in the firm
Nussbaum Brothers; and after many years they decided to Anglicize
their names and henceforth the firm should be known as the Nuss
Brothers.
After completing the legal paperwork, they informed the receptionist,
Ethel, that from Monday on, she should answer the phone as "Nuss
Brothers."
"I quit," said Ethel.
"But why?", asked Peter, "the pay and benefits will be the same!"
"Yeah? Well YOU answer the phone then. I don't want to answer and find
that the caller says he wants to speak with Mr. Nuss. Then, I have to
say, "Yes Sir; which one? P-Nuss or A-Nuss?"
A guy from West Virginia passed away and left his entire estate to his
beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
A man returned from a very fancy hospital and was telling his friend
all about his experience.
"The hospital I was in was very specialized.
They had a food nurse who gave you food.
They had a drug nurse who gave you drugs.
They had a coffee nurse who gave you coffee.
Then there was the head nurse..."
A botany student has brought to our attention the fact that the penis
is the only thing that has to be grown before it is planted.
I had just finished delivering the mail when the resident of Apartment
16 can running after me angrily waving an envelope in the air.
He said,
"Look at this letter. It is addressed to 'Animal Lover!'"
I said,
"So?"
"So? How in hell do these people know about my sexual preferences?"
Here is the definition of divorce.
She gets the ring and the man gets the finger!
A resident was describing the circumstance leading to a subarachnoid
haemorrhage, and dictated that the patient had lost consciousness
"while making love to his paramour."
The transcriptionist sent back a discharge summary indicating that the
patient became ill "while making love to his power mower.
College is like a woman;
You work so hard to get in and nine months later you wish you'd never come.
This guy comes back home from work to find his wife has left him a note,
"Off to the grocery store".
He hasn't been getting any from her,
So, he decides this is his chance and goes to the video store to rent
a porn flick.
He puts the video in, and starts masturbating.
He's about to climax when all of a sudden his wife comes in, drops her
grocery bags, runs over and gives him the blow job of his life.
Then she collects all the bags and goes to the kitchen
The guy is sitting there, stunned, amazed at what just happened.
After a couple of minutes he regroups and goes to the kitchen where he
finds his wife chopping tomatoes.
He asks her:
"We haven't had sex for over five years and all of a sudden you come
in. What happened?"
His wife replied:
"I just washed the floor this morning. I would rather go brush my
teeth than to have to clean the floor again."
Constipated people don't give a shit
I had to look up definition of "paraprosdokian" which is:
"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is
surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.
Ok, so now enjoy!
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level
and beat you with his experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not
putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then
proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from
many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where
a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In
case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are
sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of
a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a
parachute to skydive twice.
19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to
live with.
20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down
so they can't get away.
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be always sure you hit the target, shoot first and call
whatever you hit, the target.
24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.
27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a
way that you look forward to the trip.
28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you
wish they were.
29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of
lemon…………..and a double shot of tequila.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
Department usually uses water.
Words of Wisdom
"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
~ Jon Hammond
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to
change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
At 5:30 that afternoon, his 11 year old son, Tommy, returned home from
school two hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John..
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did
you watch?" asked his mother, Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking
him off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I
lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. When I was your age, I never
lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that knocked him
out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said, "Boy, did
you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all,
he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
Baggage
My dear friend, a divorcee, never remarried, and her daughter wanted
to know why.
"The men I know would bring too much heavy baggage to the marriage and
I simply don't want to put up with it," she explained.
Taking her mother's hand in hers, my friend's daughter said sweetly,
"I hate to break the news to you, Mom, but you're not exactly carry-on
yourself."
~~~~~~~~~~
Groaners
*
-- An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing
to look at either.
*
-- Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
*
-- A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the
vet, "let's have a look at him." So, he picks the dog up and examines
his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have
to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
*
-- Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to
Dolly,"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
*
-- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
~~~~~~~~~~
Rim Shot
*
-- I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that
he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
are too high."
*
-- A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know
you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
*
-- I went to a seafood disco last week... And pulled a mussel.
*
-- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and
heat it too.
*
-- What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
*
-- A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't
serve food in here."
~~~~~~~~~~
Quick Ones
*
-- Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
*
-- Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my
electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes,
I'm positive..."
*
-- A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
you, but don't start anything."
*
-- Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
*
-- A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
*
-- A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
Cowboy and Bible
The religious cowboy lost his favourite Bible while he was mending
fences out on the range.
Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes
heavenward and exclaimed,
"It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."
~~~~~~~~~~
How Smart Are You?
(Passing requires 4 correct answers...)
*
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
*
Answers below
*
How Smart Are You?
Answers
1) 116 years
2) Ecuador
3) Sheep and Horses
4) November
5) Squirrel fur
6) Dogs
7) Albert
8) Crimson
9) New Zealand
10) Orange, of course.
~~~~~~~~~~
Chinese Meal
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes
looking around before
It slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is
happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies,
"Chicken Surprise."
"Ah, so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"
Many men think that "the larger the woman's breasts, the less
intelligent she is??? However, the fact is "the larger the woman's
breasts, the less intelligent the men around her become ..."
The Theory of Reverse Dynamics:
When a man becomes rich, he becomes naughty,
and when a woman becomes naughty, she becomes rich ...
The Boss to a lady aspirant.. to the post of a Secretary:
"What is the difference between a paper clip and a screw?"
Lady: "I do not know. I have never been paper clipped"!!!
A Sardarji after the interview :
"Everything went well till the time they asked me to show my
testimonials. I guess I showed them the wrong thing...."
Sociology
In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to
some questions the teacher was asking.
"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be
seen by the opposite sex?"
I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned
and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'"
~~~~~~~~~~
Building Rome
Marilyn, the teacher, asked her 5th grade history class, "When was
Rome built?" and called on Timothy to answer first.
"Rome was built at night." was his answer.
"At night?" asked Mrs. Taylor, holding her ruler firmly in her
boney-knuckled hands. "How ever did you get such an idea?"
"Well," gulped the student, hoping his answer would satisfy her,
"Everyone knows Rome wasn't built in a day."
~~~~~~~~~~
Did You Hear About The?
*
Brake company on the skids?
*
Bra manufacturers that went bust?
*
Surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary?
*
Cigarette company that went up in smoke?
*
Baker who was short of dough?
*
Refrigerator manufacturer that had it's assets frozen?
*
Corset firm that felt the squeeze?
*
Upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs?
*
Adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation?
*
Tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court?
*
Downfall of the bungee suppliers?
*
The train company that went off the rails?
*
The ship building company that sunk?
*
The dental practice that was rotten to its roots?
~~~~~~~~~~
Throwing Watches
Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben and decided
to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to
catch them before they hit the ground.
The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before the had
taken three steps. The second threw his watch and made only two steps
before hearing his watch shatter.
The third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs,
bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked slowly back to Big
Ben in time to catch the watch.
"How did you do that?" asked one of his friends.
"My watch is 30 minutes slow."
1. Since my last report,
This employee has reached rock bottom & has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this employee to breed.
3. This employee is really not so much of a has-been,
But more of a definite won't be.
4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
5. When she opens her mouth,
It seems that it is only to change feet.
6. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
8. He sets low personal standards & then consistently fails to achieve them.
9. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
10. This employee should go far, & the sooner he starts,
The better.
11. Got a full 6-pack,
But lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
12. A gross ignoramus -
144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
13. He doesn't have ulcers,
But he's a carrier.
14. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
15. He's been working with glue too much.
16. He would argue with a signpost.
17. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
18. When his IQ reaches 50,
He should sell.
19. If you see two people talking & one looks bored,
he's the other one.
20. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
21. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
22. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
23. Gates are down,
The lights are flashing,
But the train isn't coming.
24. He's got two brains,
One is lost & the other is out looking for it.
25. If he were any more stupid,
He'd have to be watered twice a week.
26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts,
You'd get change.
27. If you stand close enough to him,
You can hear the ocean.
28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
29. One neuron short of a synapse.
30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;
He only gargled.
31. Takes him two hours to watch 60 minutes.
32. The wheel is turning,
But the hamster is dead.
33. Has a high opinion of himself due to the low standards he sets.
34. His staff will follow him anywhere,
But only out of curiosity.
Remember doing the missionary position does not mean you have sex in a church.
At the cinema a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself.
He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was
playing herself furiously.
He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help.
She welcomed his help, and so the man started playing her like crazy.
When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go
back to work on herself with both hands.
"Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.
"Great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"
If I were ever in one of those jokes where you have to tell the native
chief which way you'd prefer to die, I'd tell him that I'd like to be
hung like a horse.
At school one day the teacher heard cat noises coming from the class,
and she discovered little Jimmy with a cat up his jumper.
She said,
"Why have you got your cat at school?"
Little Jimmy started crying.
"I woke up this morning to hear the postman tell Mummy 'I'm gonna eat
your pussy today!"
Three geezers are sitting on a porch in Miami Beach.
Suddenly, the first sighs and says,
"Gentlemen, isn't life horrible. Here I am at an age that I can afford
the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I have to eat ground or
soft foods."
The second answers,
"Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at an age where I can buy
the finest wines, champagne and what? Ulcers... I have to drink milk."
The third sighs loudly and adds,
"Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean. Last night at 2 am I nudged
my wife and asked her if she's interested. She screams at me, "What is
wrong with you Sam? We just got finished doing it for the second time
tonight!"
After a long pause the first man says,
"So, what is your problem?"
The third one grunts and says,
"Can't you see? My memory is going."
Oral sex makes your day.
Anal sex makes your hole weak.
"How did the accident happen?" asked the doctor.
"Well," explained the patient, "I was making love to my girlfriend on
the living room rug when, all of a sudden, the chandelier came
crashing down on us."
"Fortunately, you've only sustained some minor lacerations on your
buttocks," the doctor said. "You're a very lucky man."
"You said it, doc," the man replied. "A minute sooner and it would
have fractured my skull."
What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?
Get 'em on their back and they're both screwed.
LOT 'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and
Turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted,
'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced
Triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'
________________________________
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the
Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on
The roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'
________________________________
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did
A lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?'
'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'
________________________________
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children,
'We have been
Learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there
is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'
One child blurted out, 'Aces!'
_
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class
Memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23.
She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.
Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the
Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in
Front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he
Stepped up to the microphone and said proudly,
'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'
________________________________
UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father
Always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon.
One day, she asked him why.
'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of
his messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'
'How come He doesn't answer it?' she asked.
________________________________
BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your mother says
your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does
she say?'
The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'
________________________________
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from
one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified.
She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy,
whatever made you do
Such a thing?'
Tommy answered soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'
________________________________
TIME TO PRAY
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
'Yes, sir.' the boy replied.
'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the pastor asked.
'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in the daytime.'
________________________________
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would
Bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).
For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli
Would say, 'And all girls.'
This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing.
My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do you
always add the part about all girls?'
Her response, 'Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying
'All Men'!'
________________________________
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
Grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.
'I don't need to,' the boy replied.
'Of course, you do.' his mother
Insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'
'That's at our house.' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house
and she knows how to cook!'
Senior Personal Ads
*
Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers:
*
FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim,5'-4" (used to
be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
*
MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts
including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but
walks well.
*
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to
round out a six- unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath
not a problem.
*
SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our
hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
*
WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
*
BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday
nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy
chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and
Listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.
*
MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember
Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
~~~~~~~~~~
Do You Know Your Judgment Day?
Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that
he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he
knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that,
too."
Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"
Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."
~~~~~~~~~~
Generation Y
- People born before 1946 were called
The Silent generation....
- People born between 1946 and 1964 are called
The Baby Boomers.
- People born between 1964 and 1980 are called
Generation X,
- And people born between 1980 and 2000 are called
Generation Y,
Why do we call the last group Generation Y?
Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?
Dementia Test
*
Here are four questions along with a bonus question.
You have to answer them instantly.
You can't take your time, just answer off the top of your head.
*
First Question:
You are participating in a race.
You overtake the second person.
What position are you in?
Answer:
First?
Wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
*
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer:
If you answered that you are second to last, then you're wrong again.
It's impossible to overtake the last person.
*
Third Question:
This must be done in your head only.
Don't use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 30.
Add another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000
Now add.
10. What is the total?
Answer.
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
Don't believe it?
Check with your calculator!
*
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Answer:
Nunu?
Of course not.
Her name is Mary.
Read the question again.
*
Bonus Question (this one is really easy):
Again, without using a calculator or pencil and paper --
You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales.
In London, 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading, six people get off the bus, and nine people get on.
In Swindon, two people get off and four get on.
In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on.
In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer:
What do you mean,
"How could I possibly know that?"
For crying out loud,
Don't you remember?
It was YOU!
*
On the bright side, you don't have to feel so bad when you forget to
pick up eggs on the way home from work.
An ode of English Plurals:
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse
Or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
*
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a
Whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
*
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
*
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England .
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly,
Boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from guinea nor is it a pig.
*
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
What do you call it?
*
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
What does a humanitarian eat?
*
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be
committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
*
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out,
And in which an alarm goes off by going on.
*
And in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?
- Author(s) Unknown
~~~~~~~~~~
THINGS ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM A JIGSAW PUZZLE
1. Don't force a fit.
If something is meant to be, it will come together naturally.
2. When things aren't going so well, take a break.
Everything will look different when you return.
3. Be sure to look at the big picture.
Getting hung up on the little pieces only leads to frustration.
4. Perseverance pays off.
Every important puzzle went together bit by bit, piece by piece.
5. When one spot stops working, move to another.
But be sure to come back later (see #4).
6. The creator of the puzzle gave you the picture as a guidebook.
7. Variety is the spice of life.
It's the different colours and patterns that make the puzzle interesting.
8. Working together with friends and family makes any task fun.
9. Establish the border first.
Boundaries give a sense of security and order.
10. Don't be afraid to try different combinations.
Some matches are surprising.
11. Take time often to celebrate your successes (even little ones).
12. Anything worth doing takes time and effort.
A great puzzle can't be rushed.
~~~~~~~~~~
Northern Lights
This guy and his girlfriend lived in Austin and they decided to go and
see the northern lights.
They figured that they would just drive north on I-35 until they got
to the end and that should do it.
So, they set out on their trip and they're both very excited.
They are so excited that it is all they can talk about.
Well, after a couple of days they get to the end of I-35 just south of
the Canadian border.
They find a nice field to park in and the entire sky is lit up with
the beautiful northern lights.
The guy, who's been driving, leaps out of the car at the wonder of it
all; he's jumping up and down like a little kid.
Meanwhile, his girlfriend is still sitting in the car reading a magazine.
He can't believe it!
So, he says,
"What's the matter? Does the aurora bore ya, Alice?"
1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's
going to have her baby in the taxi'.
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress
and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the
lady I noticed that there were several taxis - and I was in the wrong
one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient..
Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath
3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.. Not more than
five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the
rest of the family that he had died of a
'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that
he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.
'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and
now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before
applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St .. Clair , Norfolk General
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How
long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered .'Why, not for about
twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while
checking up on a man I asked . . .....' So how was your breakfast this
morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get
used to the taste.'. . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled
'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.
7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair
styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that
the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an
immediate operation..
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff
noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there
was a tattoo that read .. . ...'Keep off the grass'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London
Dr. wouldn't submit his name.
Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to
forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame was
overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice
trying to reassure him:
"Howard, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep
with one of your patients and you won't be the last. And, you're
single. So just let it go."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:
"Howard, you're a veterinarian...."
Too Much Sugar
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
~~~~~~~~~~
Confucius Says:
- Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
- Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
- He who eats too many prunes, sits on potty many moons.
- Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.
- Man who make love to girl on hill...he not on level.
- Honeymoon over when man who whispered sweet nothings before now say
nothing sweet.
- Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.
- Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
~~~~~~~~~~
Mad Cow Disease
One day, two cows were chatting over the fence between their two fields.
The first cow said,
"I'm telling you, this mad cow disease is getting pretty scary! I've
heard it's spreading so fast that it's already on farmer Rubin's land
just down the road!"
The second cow replied,
"So what? It doesn't affect us chickens!"
A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The
congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they
asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
talk for more than 8 minutes.
The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
But, the third Sunday, by mistake he put his wife's teeth in and
couldn't shut up...
An blonde girl walks into the local dry cleaners.
She places a garment on the counter.
"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the worker, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
I ran into Jim at work yesterday.
He had been out for a few days with the flu.
I asked him how he was feeling.
"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience. " he replied.
"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful? " I asked in stunned disbelief.
"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever
the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife
ran out to meet them?
I could hear her excitedly saying
"My husband is home! My husband is home! "
He said,
"Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in
the worst way."
She said,
"Well, you succeeded."
"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic
pal seated next to him at the bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd
been, she said that she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley.
And I know that's a lie because I spent the night with her sister,
Shirley."
David and Simon are sitting in the cafeteria discussing their weekend.
"Man this weekend was the best!" David says. "I finally scored."
Simon says,
"Yeah, well I scored and it was the worst experience I've ever had."
"How so?" replies David.
Simon relates,
"That girl Cecilia brought me back to her room and said she would do
anything I want. So, I asked her to go down on me, and she said no
problem.
In the middle of the whole thing, she starts turning green, coughing
like crazy and passes out."
"Damn!" Simon says. "What happened?"
David responds,
"Turns out she's allergic to nuts."
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to the best looking girl in
the place and starts looking at his watch.
The girl notices this and asks him if his date is late.
"No," he replies, "I've just got this new state-of-the-art watch and I
was just about to test it.
"What does it do?" she asked.
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me."
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
"Ha! Well it must be broken then, 'cos I am!"
"Damn thing," the guy says tapping the watch "must be an hour fast."
A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the Honeymoon suite.
"Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist.
"Only one," replies the groom. "She won't take it up the ass."
A friend told me,
"I can understand why men don't like vasectomies. My uncle got a
vasectomy, and paid for it with MasterCard. He forgot to pay the bill,
and the finance company came over to his house and knocked up my
aunt."
"And, Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff in this
case, was the young lady pregnant?"
"The young lady was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said,
"I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last
ten years perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said,
"My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into
bed, he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
The third woman was silent until she was asked,
"Tell us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said,
"My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."
"How so?"
"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."
Did you hear about the girl chasing the boy around the church?
She caught him by the organ!
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
His elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says,
'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies,
'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221..'
A man goes to his doctor for a check-up.
Half way through, the doctor tells him to take down his trousers.
The doctor pulls forward his pants and stands back in surprise, as
there is a squirrel in a chauffeur's uniform and little hat.
The doctor, in disbelief, looks again; and, sure enough, there is the
squirrel dressed as a chauffeur.
"Did you know you have got a squirrel dressed as a chauffeur down your
pants?" asks the doctor.
"Yes," says the man, "he's driving me nuts."
One Sunday morning, about four weeks ago, I found my dyslexic friend
covering his willy with black shoe polish.
I said
"No, no, Frank. Today you have to turn your clock back !"
"My hubby & I have, what he calls 'Olympic Sex'."
"Wow, you must be have a terrific sex life?"
"Not really. It only happens once every four years."
While making love to his wife, Bill discovered he couldn't enjoy it.
Though they had been married only a few years, he reflected unhappily,
their love-making had become infrequent and bland.
Then, quite suddenly, alarmed, he said:
"What happened, did I hurt you?"
"Why no, not at all." said his surprised wife. "Whatever made you ask that?"
"Well, no reason actually." the bored husband replied with a sigh,
"It's just that for a moment there, I thought you actually moved."
We were having such a romantic afternoon making love in the back of
the Mercedes - then they kicked us out of the showroom.
NO POINTING FINGERS
A man asked his father-in-law, "Many people praised you for a
successful marriage. Could you please share with me your secret?"
The father-in-law answered in a smile, "Never criticize your wife for
her shortcomings or when she does something wrong. Always bear in mind
that because of her shortcomings and weaknesses, she could not find a
better husband than
you."
We all look forward to being loved and respected. Many people are
afraid of losing face. Generally, when a person makes a mistake, he
would look around to find a scapegoat to point the finger at. This is
the start of a war. We should always remember that when we point one
finger at a person, the other four fingers are pointing at ourselves.
If we forgive the others, others will ignore our mistake too.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
CREATING PERFECT RELATIONSHIPS?
A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage, SDU, and
requested "I am looking for a spouse. Please help me to find a
suitable one." The SDU officer said, "Your requirements, please." "Oh,
good looking, polite, humorous , sporty, knowledgeable, good in
singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home
during my
leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I
need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."
The officer listened carefully and replied, "I understand you need
television."
There is a saying that a perfect match can only be found between a
blind wife and a deaf husband ,because the blind wife cannot see the
faults of the husband and the deaf husband cannot hear the nagging of
the wife. Many couples are blind and deaf at the courting stage and
dream of perpetual perfect relationship. Unfortunately, when the
excitement of love wears off, they wake up and discover that marriage
is not a bed of roses. The nightmare begins.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
NO OVERPOWERING
Many relationships fail because one party tries to overpower
another,or demands too much. People in love tend to think that love
will conquer all and their spouses will change the bad habits after
marriage. Actually, this is not the case. There is a Chinese saying
which carries the meaning that "It is easier to reshape a mountain or
a river than a person's character."
It is not easy to change. Thus, having high expectation on changing
the spouse character will cause disappointment and unpleasantness.
It would be less painful to change ourselves and lower our expectations..
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
RIGHT SPEECH
There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that "A speech
will either prosper or ruin a nation." Many relationships break off
because of wrong speech. When a couple is too close with each other,we
always forget mutual respect and courtesy. We may say anything without
considering if it would hurt the other party.
A friend and her millionaire husband visited their construction site.
A worker who wore a helmet saw her and shouted,"Hi, Emily! Remember
me? We used to date in the secondary school." On the way home, her
millionaire husband teased her, "Luckily you married me.Otherwise you
will be the wife of a construction worker." She answered ,"You should
appreciate that you married me. Otherwise, he will be the millionaire
and not you."
Frequently exchanging these remarks plants the seed for a bad
relationship. It's like a broken egg - cannot be reversed.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
PERSONAL PERCEPTION
Different people have different perception. One man's meat could be
another man's poison. A couple bought a donkey from the market. On the
way home,a boy commented, "Very stupid. Why neither of them ride on
the donkey?"Upon hearing that, the husband let the wife ride on the
donkey. He walked besides them. Later, an old man saw it and
commented, "The husband is the head of family. How can the wife ride
on the donkey while the husband is on foot?" Hearing this, the wife
quickly got down and let the husband ride on the donkey.
Further on the way home, they met an old Lady. She commented, "How can
the man ride on the donkey but let the wife walk. He is no gentleman."
The husband thus quickly asked the wife to join him on the donkey.
Then, they met a young man. He commented, "Poor donkey, how can you
hold up the weight of two persons. They are cruel to you." Hearing
that, the husband and wife immediately climbed down from the donkey
and carried it on their shoulders.
It seems to be the only choice left. Later, on a narrow bridge, the
donkey was frightened and struggled. They lost their balance and fell
into the river. You can never have everyone praise you, nor will
everyone condemn you. Never in the past, not at present, and never
will be in the future.
Thus, do not be too bothered by others words if our conscience is clear..
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
BE PATIENT
This is a true story which happened in the States. A man came out of
his home to admire his new truck. To his puzzlement, his
three-year-old son was happily hammering dents into the shiny paint of
the truck. The man ran to his son, knocked him away, hammered the
little boy's hands into pulp as punishment. When the father calmed
down, he rushed his son to the hospital.
Although the doctor tried desperately to save the crushed bones, he
finally had to amputate the fingers from both the boy's hands. When
the boy woke up from the surgery & saw his bandaged stubs, he
innocently said, " Daddy,I'm sorry about your truck." Then he asked,
"but when are my fingers going to grow back?" The father went home &
committed
suicide.
Think about this story the next time someone steps on your feet or u
wish to take revenge. Think first before u lose your patience with
someone u love. Trucks can be repaired.. Broken bones & hurt feelings
often can't.. Too often we fail to recognize the difference between
the person and the performance. We forget that forgiveness is greater
than revenge.
People make mistakes. We are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions
we take while in a rage will haunt us forever.
Keep Smiling
He says,
"Come on, honey. I can't remember the last time we made love."
She says,
"Well I can -and that's why we're not."
"How did your evening with your new boyfriend go?"
"It was a disaster. We were nude in bed in heavy foreplay and he had a
premature ejaculation."
"What did he say when it occurred?"
"He just said I was the loveliest girl he had ever come across."
Did you hear about the real smart girl who could play post-office all
night without getting any male in her box?
During a rather rowdy party, one unattached female guest kept
disappearing into a back bedroom with one man after another, including
the host.
This did not go unnoticed by the host's wife, who was quietly
smoldering, but kept her composure, so as not to ruin the party.
It was still fairly early when "Miss Willing" approached the hostess
looking somewhat frazzled and rumpled.
"I'm sorry to rush off," she explained, "but I don't feel too well."
"Of course, I understand, my dear," the hostess replied. "That
sometimes happens when you swallow."
The difference between a woman taking a shower and a nun is:
The nun has hope in her soul.
Moses has been up on the mountain quite awhile and he's really weary,
but thinks he pretty well has it all down pat about the 10
Commandments and how the Children of Israel are supposed to comport
themselves with their neighbours.
Frankly, even though this was a conversation with God, Moses'
attention had been wandering as God summed everything up to conclude
this historic briefing.
Suddenly, Moses interrupts the Deity...
"Wait a minute, wait a minute, Lord, let me get this straight now.
Maybe I misheard?
THEY get all the oil, and we have to cut off the tips of our WHAT!
Grammar is important.
Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a
horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
A newlywed couple who were both avid baseball fans, attended a Cubs
"Lovable Losers" game.
They were still on their honeymoon and very affectionate, hugging and
kissing so much that they weren't able to follow the game.
In order to be able to follow the game better the young bride says,
"I've got an idea, honey. You kiss me on the strikes and I'll kiss you
on the balls."
Seeing a picture of his wife in the nude hanging at the art show, the
husband demanded of her:
"Did you really pose for that?"
"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "of course not. He painted it from memory."
A few of the guys were sitting at a table in the pub, watching the
Notre Dame game Saturday.
We had ordered a round of draft beers and after they were brought to
the table, one of the guys, a visiting German Lufthansa pilot, took
his back to the bar.
After telling the female bartender why he wasn't happy with his beer,
to our amazement she hauled off and slapped him in the face.
When returned to the table, somewhat stunned, I asked what happened
and why she slapped him.
His puzzled reply was,
"Hell I don't know, all I did was ask her for some head."
Chess players check their mates
Wooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a
small cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely
until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,..
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when
Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the
opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful
squaw in there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer..
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the
Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering
call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the
cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.................
You'll like this
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds
like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the
road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong
he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car
slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter
and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door...
only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine
wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw
a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his
life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out
of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed
with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never
touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet
and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody
about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the
pub when everybody realized he was crying… and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the
dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of
breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar,
one said to the other... 'Look Paddy......there's that freaking idiot
that got in the car while we were pushing it!'
Blonde in a Small Town
Late one Sunday afternoon, a blonde from a small town was taking a
long walk through a nearby meadow, when she was surprised to see a
parachutist trapped in the high branches of a tree.
"Hellllllp!" he cried when he spotted her down below.
"What are you doing up there?" she called back.
"I was skydiving," he answered, "and my parachute didn't open!"
The blonde rolled her eyes.
"Well, of course it didn't. If you'd just asked one of the locals,
anybody could've told you that *nothing* around here opens on a
Sunday!"
~~~~~~~~~~
Too Cute
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night.
'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my
bedroom window.'
BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer.
She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle.
Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and
she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked:
'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups.
'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked,
'How much do I cost?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked
what was troubling him, he replied,
'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How
will my wife fit in it?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant.
Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad:
'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'
TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled woman her Mom knew.
Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked,
'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story.
His dad read, 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee
out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.
' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'
~~~~~~~~~~
How They Met
"Do you remember first meeting your wife?"
"Sure, I found Jill lying face down in the gutter. I lifted her to her
feet and promised her that if she agreed to marry me, she would begin
a new life and I'd never allow her near the gutter again."
"Wow, I hope she appreciates what you did for her."
"Not really. Jill hated to give up bowling."
Two old gambling friends meeting on the street for the first time in
several weeks and one asked the other,
"Joe, where you been? Haven't seen you around for weeks."
"I've been to South Africa with my son. While I was there, I taught
some of them to play poker."
"Zulus?"
"Nah, I beat them 4 out of five times."
~~~~~~~~~~
One October my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's Olympic Peninsula.
We were eager to visit the rain forests near the coast, but we heard
that snow slides had made some of the roads impassable.
Although apprehensive about the conditions we might run into, we drove on.
Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the High Rain Forest Road
when we saw a sign:
"Ice 10 miles."
Five miles farther on there was another:
"Ice 5 miles."
The next one was:
"Ice 1/2 mile."
We practically crept that half-mile.
We came to the last sign.
It was outside a small grocery, and it read:
"Ice 75 cents."
Pampered Pigs
There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and
during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary
manner.
The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig
would eat the apples off the tree directly.
The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig
was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.
The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment.
Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer,
"This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can
imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply
shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the
ground!"
The farmer looked puzzled and replied,
"What's time to a pig?"
~~~~~~~~~~
Count to Three
A man and woman were on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship.
On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the
beautiful mountain passes of Europe.
As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse
mis-steps and jostles the man's wife.
Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse,
and stares into its eyes.
Finally, he states,
"That's one."
The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.
A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping
over a fallen tree.
The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states,
"That's two!"
He returns to his saddle and they move on.
As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost
its footing on a mossy slope.
The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out
of the saddle. The man, moving to the front of the horse, stares it in
the eyes and firmly says,
"That's three,"
Removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.
The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to
her husband, "That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!"
The man stares at his wife and firmly says,
"That's one!"
~~~~~~~~~~
About Two Miles
A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the rolling prairie.
It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest,
were impatient to reach the next town.
A rancher rode past.
"Say, friend", called out one of the men, "how far is it to the next town?"
"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the rancher.
Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.
"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly.
"Oh, a good two miles."
A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher.
"Hey, how far's the next town?"
"Not far," was the encouraging answer, "only about two miles."
"Well," sighed the optimistic sergeant, "thank God, we're holding our
own, anyhow!"
~~~~~~~~~~
Bangety Bang Bang!
Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his
sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom.
Just point it at the Germans, and go,
'Bangety Bang Bang'."
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.
The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and
attaches it to the handle end.
"Here, use this... Just go, 'Stabity Stab stab'."
The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom.
Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him.
The recruit points the broom,
"Bangety Bang Bang!"
The German falls dead.
More Germans appear.
The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes
"Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!"
He mows down the enemy by the dozens.
Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier
walking slowly toward him. "Bangety Bang Bang!" shouts the recruit.
The German keeps coming.
"Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail.
He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!"
It's no use!
The German keeps coming.
He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says,
"Tankety Tank Tank."
Hmmmmm!
Don't question authority..... It hasn't got a clue!
~~~~~~~~~~
Determined to have one last, lazy day of fishing before summer's end,
I purposely ignored the leaky faucet and the broken gate--household
projects that had awaited me all summer. When my wife asked, "What are
you going to do today?" I grinned and answered, "It starts with F and
ends with ISH."
"Oh, good," she replied. "You're finally going to FinISH up those projects!
~~~~~~~~~~
Well, we've all been there - both the guys and the gals, and today
it's even more confusing than ever. So, here is a little guide to help
you out.
1. If you ask a girl to have sex with her and she says "definitely
not," she really means "NO."
2. If she says "NO," then you have to do better, and then maybe, but
make sure you ask again before going to far and then go back to number
#1 and start again. (kinda like Monopoly "Go back to GO - Do do
collect $200).
3. If she says "MAYBE", she means "YES", but you have to really
encourage her along the way. But don't do anything stupid such as
rushing things or being clumsy. This may convert the MAYBE to a
DEFINITE NO, which neither of you really want.
4. If she says "YES", she's probably not worth it.
~~~~~~~~~~
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up,
looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and
speed, driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the heck is taking so
long? Hit the darned ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse.
I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance of hitting her from here."
~~~~~~~~~~
A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a
stranger on top of his wife.
He says, "What are you two doing?"
His wife turns to the stranger and says, "See? I told you he was stupid.
~~~~~~~~~~
The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a man, complete
with tools, on the front porch.
"Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner." The lady exclaimed,
"Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner." The man replied, "No, but your
neighbours did."
~~~~~~~~~
Hmmmmm!
It's easy to spot the smart people . . . They're the ones listening.
