XX - Adult Puns!

It was a hot day in Iowa.
Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went
down the street to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street.
She passed by a tavern and thought,
"Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.
"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer."
The bartender asked,
"Anheuser Busch?" Helga blushed and replied,
"Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"

Would masturbating while on an international flight be called "skyjacking off"?

Thorn comes home from work one afternoon and is stopped by his neighbour,
"It may be none of my business, but this afternoon a strange man came
to your house and your wife let him in. I peeked through the curtains
and saw them making wild, passionate love."
Thorn said,
"Was he short, about 5'8"?"
"Yes," the neighbour answers,
"I believe he was."
"Did he have a droopy eye, and appear drunk?" Thorn asked.
"Yes," the neighbour agrees.
"Then that was the mailman, Jim," Thorn responds. "He'll screw anyone!"

A guy shouted to his girlfriend,
"Come here and look at my clock!"
She walks in and finds him naked with a hard-on, and says,
"That's not a clock."
"It will be when you put two hands and a face on it!"

A straight guy who can't get a date is called a loser.
A homosexual who can't get a date is called a poor sucker

Despite the old saying,
"Don't take your troubles to bed," many men still sleep with their wives.