XX - Adult Puns!

Jack was nimble, but Jack was quick.
So, Jill preferred the candlestick!

Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.
After a while his teacher got worried and asked him about it.
John's answer was:
"Our house is very small miss. Me, my mother and my father, we sleep
on the same bed. Every night my father asks, 'John, are you sleeping?'
When I say 'No,'  he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."
So, the teacher says to him,
"Tonight when your father asks again, keep dead quiet and don't answer."
The following morning John comes to school and his eye is fine.
So, the teacher breathes a sigh of relief.
But the day after that John comes back with a severe black eye again.
"My goodness John, why the black eye again?"
He tells her,
"Mam, Dad asked me again, 'John are you sleeping?' and I shut up and
kept dead still. Then my father and my mother started moving, you
know, at the same time. Mom was breathing erratically, kicking her
legs up frantically, and squealing like a demented hyena on the bed.
After a while, my father asks my mother, 'Are you coming?' and my mom
answers, 'Yes I'm coming. Are you coming too?' and my dad says, 'Yes.'
They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, 'Wait for me.'
... "

The Question:
What are you putting in my mouth, Batman?
The Answer:
A Cockrobin.

At one ad agency, a guy in production was fired when they discovered
he was The Xerox Flasher.
Every morning, he Xeroxed his privates, made copies & left them in the
secretaries' desks.
The boss said,
"Hell, he's the only person in the building who isn't guilty of false
advertising!"
His secretary said,
"Well, not exactly."
He said
"Oh God! Don't tell me!"
She said
"Yes, sir. He was using the enlarger."

The little Greek boy ran away from home, because he didn't like the
way he was being reared.

There was nothing to do on this Thursday night.
So, the two co-eds were just hanging around the apartment.
Brenda, who was dressed in only a in bra and panties, was jiggling
back and forth around their place doing some chores.
Abby, who was sitting on the bed, decided this was the night that she
would reveal her secret to her room mate.
"Take a break," Abby said to her friend, "Come over here and sit down."
As soon as Brenda sat on the bed, Abby leaned over and kissed her full
on the lips.
"I've always wanted to tell you something" Abby said, "It's kinda hard
to say this. Well, let me be frank".
Brenda leaned toward her friend and said in a sexually husky voice:
"No darling. Let me be Frank."

A hooker was explaining her lifestyle to a girlfriend.
"I put on stocking on one leg. One stocking on the other leg, and
between the two I make a living."

Two gay guys were caught in the act in a public park by a policeman.
As the cop tried to arrest them for their act of public indecency,
they bolted away.
The cop pursued after them and managed to catch one of them.
He told him,
"When I catch your boyfriend I'm going to shove this nightstick right
up his ass."
Just then a voice calls out from behind a tree.
"Yoo-hoo, Officer. I'm over here."

Define "ASSETS":
Repeated exercises designed to tighten up your gluts.

A couple had been divorced for about 6 months, but still remained good friends.
This worked out pretty good since they both lived in the same
apartment building.
One day, he slipped on the ice and broke his arm.
Later he met his ex-wife in the elevator and she asked if there was
anything she could do to help.
He responded,
"Well yes, if it's not to much trouble, could you help me take a bath?"
She readily agreed and soon after she began washing him she saw a
gradual erection begin to appear.
"Look John", she exclaimed happily "It still recognizes me!!!"

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said:
Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely!