XX - ADULT PUNS!

I work on the 20th floor of my building and found out about a "secret"
fire drill next week. If I take the elevator and leave the building
early, am I guilty of premature evacuation?

Two senior citizens were bragging about their sex lives in the elderly homes,
"Can you still do it? I have sex with my wife twice a week. How many
can you do?"
"Oh, I do it almost every night of the week!"
"Almost every night?"
"Yup! Monday, almost. Tuesday, almost. Wednesday..."

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of
nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly, she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"A 'Daddy Longlegs,'" her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question
he replied,
"No, dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then
lifted her foot and stomped them flat.
"Well," she said, "that may be OK in California, but we're NOT having
any of that shit in Texas!"

What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
I can't see a thing with all this shit in here!

Jill was talking to her hair stylist.
"It's silly," she said, "but my daughter has some sort of crazy idea
about losing her hair ." "What do you mean?" the beautician asked.
"Well, I overheard her on the phone the other day telling her best
friend that she hoped she'd be 'balled' soon."

Two girls are sitting in a movie-theater.
"That man beside me is fumbling his crotch", one whispers to the other.
"Just ignore it", is the answer.
"Easy for you to say. He's using my hand!"

One Greek says to another,
"Do you think you'll ever go back to Greece?"
"No," he answered, "I'll stick with K-Y Jelly!"