Puns of the Day...

"I work in a horse barn," said Bob.
"There really is no need to sob.
Though the work is crappy,
Like I told my pappy,
At least it's a good stable job."

Eunuch:
What you do when the doorbell is out of order

I was in Afghanistan speaking with a reporter as a soldier packed her things.
The major came over and noticed some odd-looking pieces of cloth on her cot.
"What are you doing with all these eye patches?" he asked, lifting one up.
Taking it from him, she mumbled,
"Um, this is my thong underwear."

"The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but city officials
are holding their breath until it is officially finished."

One day, Jake, a nine-year-old boy, asked to pack his own lunch for school.
His mom agreed.
But they couldn't agree on WHAT he should pack,
So, they both made lists.
This was the mom's list:
He must have at least:
One sandwich,
One apple,
Pretzels,
A carton of milk and
A vegetable.
This was Jake's list:
Candy,
Candy,
Candy.
Jake agreed to compromise.
Sure enough, the next morning, Jake was ready for school and he packed
his lunch making sure he had a sandwich, apple, pretzels, some milk --
and for his vegetable he chose corn.
His mom came to check his lunch, and this is what he had:
An (ice cream) sandwich;
A (caramel) apple;
(white chocolate-covered) pretzels, with sprinkles on top;
A carton of Nesquik chocolate milk, and
A bag of candy corn!

A man who used to perform autopsies was arrested for taking home 157
pounds of human body parts.
Do you know what his bail cost him?
An arm and a leg

There was a young lad who was counting on his Uncle Al to take him to
the circus.
On the big day, however, his mother told him that his Uncle had flown
to Australia to see the Davis Cup matches.
"I didn't know Uncle Al loved that game so much," mourned the boy.
"Oh, but he does," she assured him, "Many's the time I've heard Alfred
laud tennis, son!"

A wedding ring is like a tourniquet --
It cuts off your circulation!

Needing some clothes cleaned in a hurry, a man searched this small
Georgia town in which he was visiting until he found a sign which
read:
"Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service."
After explaining his needs, he said,
"I'll be back for my suit tomorrow."
"Won't be ready till Saturday," replied the proprietor.
"But I thought you had 24-hour service," the customer protested.
"We do, son," the proprietor said reproachfully. "But we only work
eight hours a day. Today's Thursday - eight hours today, eight hours
Friday, eight on Saturday. That's 24-hour service."

One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't 't good
enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest
grandchild in the world.