XX - Adult Puns!

If you don't enjoy masturbation, you have only yourself to blame

Chris and Frank were having a beer at the neighbourhood bar.
"What's the matter?" asked Chris of his pal.
"My girlfriend  just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news
bulletin," said Frank. "Why's that?" asked Chris.
Frank took a deep  breath and said,
"Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

Smoking a cigarette shortens your life by 14 minutes.
However, having sex lengthens it by 12 minutes.
So, smokers,
"Screw! Screw for your lives!"

Little Susie was asked what she wanted most for her  birthday and she declared,
"A baby brother."
"Sweetheart, Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said  her mom,
"But there just isn't time before your birthday."
Susie thought for a moment and replied,
"Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want
something in a hurry? Put more men on the job."

Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said,
"If you build it, they will come."

Fred tells his buddy,
"Truth be told, I'm bored with  my woman, with the same old sex night
after night after  night. I guess I'm hankering for a bit of variety."
His  friend Jim replied,
"Well, if you want variety, why  don't you just, you know, turn her
over every now and  again?"
Fred says,
"What? And have a house full of kids?"

Sex with your wife like a 7-11 store.
There's not much variety, but what else is open at 3:00 in the morning?

When I was 17, my mother remarried and moved to Tulsa Oklahoma,
leaving me alone to finish my senior year of high school in the little
Town where we lived.
She was only about an hour away and I was very responsible for my age.
My girlfriend had decided to stay the night one Saturday.
On Sunday Morning, we woke up and started to have sex.
We got very involved and she started screaming very loudly.
Then, we heard the toilet flush in the next room - my mother had come
home for a Sunday lunch!
When we finally got the courage to come out of the bedroom, my Mother
was sitting at the dining room table and asked,
"Did your Father have the whole sex talk with you before we got divorced?"
He hadn't, but as most kids did at that time we learned in school, I said,
"No mom, he did not."
She replied,
"I didn't think so. We were married for 28 years and He never made me
scream like that!!"

When you've got 50 lesbians and 50 state workers,
You have 100 people that don't do dick.

One day Pebbles Flintstone was in bed with Fred and Wilma.
They were both naked.
Pebbles sees Fred's penis and says,
"Daddy, what's that?" and Fred says,
"Th-that's... Um... that's daddy's rock."
A little while later Pebbles looks down and sees Wilma's vagina.
"What's that, mommy?" she asks.
"Oh, that. That's mommy's rock grinder."
All of a sudden Pebbles sits up and says,
"I get it! Daddy puts his rock into mommy's rock grinder and out comes pebbles!"

Another name for a zipper is a Penis Fly Trap.