XX Adult Jokes!

There once was a fellow McSweeney
Who spilled some gin on his weenie
Just to be couth
He added vermouth
Then slipped his girlfriend, a martini.

When Marie found out on her wedding night that the guy she'd married was gay,
She didn't know which way to turn.

The young swain was putting forth a good argument.
"You see, darling," he was saying to the pretty young thing, "We can
live together for a while; then if we find we have made a mistake - we
can separate very easily."
"Yes," replied the little chick," but what the hell are we going to do
with the little mistake!"

To most modern writers,
Sex is a novel idea.

A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple.
When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete the
woman thanks the judge and says,
"Now I have to arrange for a Get."
The judge inquires what she means by a Get.
So, the woman explains that a Get is a religious ceremony required
under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce.
The judge says,
"You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?
She replies,
"Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire schmuck.
[Schmuck = the male sex organ.
In this case "Prick" would be the most appropriate English term.]

A friend tells us the only thing better than the sleep of the just is
the sleep of the just-after.

In high school, I was pretty good at putting together a book report
without actually reading the book.
Occasionally, though, my teacher would catch me on it.
Who knew "The Naked and the Dead" wasn't about necrophilia?

Another name for a virgin squaw is 'a wouldn't Indian'.

I'm all for encouraging our children's inquisitive natures and
speaking to them in terms they can understand, but it really creeps me
out when my wife tells the kids they have to go to bed early because
Mommy wants to "Hop on Pop".

The 86 year old man was acquitted of rape because the evidence
wouldn't stand up in court.

A blonde and her girlfriend went to the beach for the day.
As they wandered up and down the shoreline in their bikinis the
girlfriend began to notice that the blonde seemed to be having some
difficulty walking.
The girlfriend finally said,
"Did you hurt your leg or something? You're walking very strangely."
The blonde replied,
"I have a big date tonight and I've got curlers in my hair."

A fly sees a cute little female fly land on a pile of crap.
He buzzes down and says,
"Excuse me, miss, is this stool taken?"

A young woman plunked a bucket of quarters down in front a teller at the bank.
The teller fetched the manager who then berated the young woman about
hoarding so many quarters.
She gave him a hard look and said,
"I didn't hoard all of these. My sister whored half, and I whored the
other half."

Desperate Straights:
Sex-starved heterosexuals.

A man walks into a bar.
He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone.
He walks up to her and says,
"Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says,
"I'll screw anybody at any time, any where -- your place or my place,
it doesn't matter to me."
The guy raises his eyebrows and says,
"No shit, what law firm do you work for?"

Men are like coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you awake all night.