XX - Adult Puns!

Winning Pick-up Lines:
Hand out calling cards which say,
"Smile if you want to sleep with me," then watch the girl try to hold
back her smile.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the
good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
"I'd like to play with some men's balls."

What's the difference between my broadband connection and my ex-husband?
My broadband connection keeps going down on me, but my ex-husband never would.

A 47 year old gay man was arrested at San Francisco International
Airport after ejaculating while being patted down by a male TSA agent.
Percy Cummings, an interior designer from San Francisco, is being held
without bail after the alleged incident, charged with sexually
assaulting a Federal agent.
According to Cummings' partner, Sergio Armani, Cummings has "multiple
piercings on his manhood" which were detected during a full body scan.
As a result, Cummings was pulled aside for a pat-down.
Armani stated that the unidentified TSA agent spent "an inordinate
amount of time groping" Cummings, who had apparently become sexually
aroused.
Cummings, who has a history of sexual dysfunction, ejaculated while
the TSA agent's hand was feeling the piercings.
The TSA agent, according to several witnesses, promptly called for back up.
Cummings was thrown to the ground and handcuffed.
A TSA spokesperson declined to comment on this specific case, but said
that anyone ejaculating during a pat-down would be subject to arrest

Confusion:
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

This Jewish rock star went to his tailor and asked for a new pair of
pants that he could wear on the stage:
"I want these pants to be skin- tight, I mean SKIN-TIGHT. I want them
to see my equipment down there."
Said the tailor,
"Don't be worrying. Not only will they know about your equipment,
they'll be able to tell your religion."

When a wife learned that her husband had taken a mistress, she yelled,
"Does this mean that you've had enough of me?"
"No, my dear," he coolly replied. "It means that I haven't had enough of you."

As the auld Scotsman was wont to do, MacTavish was bemoaning his lot in life.
"'Tis a hard thing," he said.  "By all rights, I should ha ben Laird
Mayor of this town, but no, it dinna happen.  With me ain two hands I
designed and built most of the finest houses ye see here, but do they
give me any credit?  Nay, they dinna.  I designed and built that
bridge acros s the river, but did they name it after me? They dinna.
All me life I did all this gude, but, all anyone can call to their
minds when they hear the name 'MacTavish' is one wee unfortunate
incident with a goat."

You know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel when you call the
front desk and say,
"I gotta leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."

Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.
"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull
the old 'out of gas' routine."
"No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."
"The 'here after' routine what's that?", she wanted to know.
"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone."

The Mrs. Was watching a cooking show the other day.
I said,
"What are you watching that for? You can't cook."
She said,
"You watch porn."
The Bitch!