XX - Adult Puns!

I got a sweater for Christmas.
I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Every year, before they can set up the National Christmas Tree, the
White House deputizes a special task force to handle police problems
in the Ellipse, which is that big grassy area just south of
Pennsylvania Ave.
In addition to problems with the homeless and drug dealers, the unit
has recently had a lot of trouble clearing out all the pimps and
prostitutes.
To handle the crisis, the President also created a special sub-group
within the Department of the Interior:
These are now known as:
"The Whore-Force Men of the Park Ellipse."

The two female teens were discussing a news article concerning
gasoline fumes causing impotence in the male.
"Aren't you worried about Tommy's new job at the gas station?"
"Those fumes could cause him to lose the lead in his pencil."
"Doesn't matter." giggled the other girl. "He doesn't do all my writing anyway.

Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod, after
realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

A gay couple is driving along one afternoon, and while stopped at a
stop sign, they are rear ended (no pun intended) by a big semi.
Furious, the guy in the passenger side throws his purse on the seat,
gets out of the car, goes back to the truck and starts banging on the
door.
The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy, standing there with
his hands on his hips, says,
"I'm gonna sue your ass, Buddy! "
The truck driver just laughs and says,
"Blow me!"
The gay guy runs back to the car and says excitedly to his lover,
"You won't believe this, he wants to settle out of court!"

When my neighbour proudly told me he was surprising his new wife with
a horse for Christmas, I asked what kind of horses she liked to ride.
He said he wasn't sure, but she could probably ride about anything
since she had worked several years at the Mustang Ranch out in Nevada.

If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.

The United States had to apologize today because in the 1940s, our
government conducted experiments where scientists injected mentally
ill Guatemalan prisoners with syphilis and gonorrhoea.
And Hillary Clinton was the one to make the apology.
It was heartfelt.
She said,
'I know what it's like to go to bed worrying that someone you love has an STD.

A cleaning lady was applying for a new position.
When asked why she left her last employment, she replied,
"Yes, Sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place
I ever worked.
They played a game called Bridge, and last night a lot of folks were there.
As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say,
"Lay down and let's see what you've got."
Another man said,
"I've got strength but no length."
Another man says to the lady,
"Take your hand off my trick!"
I pretty near dropped dead just then, when the lady answered,
"You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise."
Another lady was talking about protecting her honour and two other
ladies were talking and one said,
"Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine."
Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die
if one of them didn't say,
"Well, I guess we'll go home now. This is the last rubber."

It was a nice sunny day when three men were walking down a country
road, when they saw a bush with a pig's ass popping out.
The first man says,
"I wish that was Demi Moore's Ass."
The second man says,
"I wish that was Pamela Anderson's Ass."
Then the third man says,
"I wish it was dark."

Blondes are like pianos;
When they aren't upright, they're grand.