XX Adult Puns!

"Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?" asked John.
"I used two fingers." Said the doctor.
"What for?" asked John.
"I needed a second opinion."

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.
When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his
poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his
migraines, with no improvement. "Listen," says the Doc, "I have
migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really
anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten
from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a
nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me
off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the
forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her
into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to
make love to her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone.
Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.
"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It really works! I've had
migraines for 17 years and this is the first time anyone has ever
helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a really nice house."

Seventeen year old Marty came home and announced that he'd gotten laid
for the first time.
Shocked, his mother slapped him and sent him to his room.
When his father got home and heard the news, he dutifully went to see his son.
Secretly pleased, he said,
"Well, Marty, I hope you learned something from this."
"Yes, I did, dad." Marty replied. "Next time I won't tell mom, and
I'll use Vaseline. My butt is killing me!"

The dove is the bird of peace,
But the bird of true love is the little swallow.

Max the plumber was summoned to a mansion to fix a leak and,
discovering a very pretty maid there, he lost no time trying to
combine business with pleasure.
The girl refused on the grounds that her mistress was home, and she
didn't want to be discovered and fired.
After several refusals, Max finished the job and returned to his shop.
The very next morning, his phone rang and his caller was the maid.
In very dulcet tones, she informed him that her mistress was out.
She asked if he wanted to come over and see her.
"What!" yelled Max. "On my own time?"

A video recorder and a man are similar.
They go forwards, backwards, forwards, and backwards, stop and eject!