jokes

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to
do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43,  who was looking
for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a
turban, beard and a backpack
wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find
himself next to a really ugly woman.
That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said,
"Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5  hours to
hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be
honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women
happy.   Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a
part in the school play and he was playing
a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind
son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot.  Oxfam
can supply a whole African village for
just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said
white they gave me a lecture on the
benefits of brown bread  for 30 minutes.. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.