Puns of the Day...

"I did nothing wrong," Tom inveighed.
"I'm innocent, very dismayed."
While he's out on appeal,
He continues his spiel.
So justice, for now's, been delayed.

When I was a kid a "crack salesman" just meant a guy was really good
at what he did.

I feel so much more confident that the TSA's nude photos of airline
passengers will never be released now that I know the government
couldn't even prevent half a million classified national security
documents from being posted on WikiLeaks.

A clumsy file clerk dropped her birth control pills into the Xerox machine.
It wouldn't reproduce for a month .

A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk.
The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk.
"I have a skin problem and the Doctor prescribed a milk bath."
The clerk asked,
"Pasteurised?"
She replied,
"No just up to my chin."

The hippie couple were somewhat distressed that their son didn't also
turn out to be a flower child,
"Some daisy disappoints us, but he's still orchid, and we love him."
Eight year old Johnnie came home from school one day.

At the supper table he announced to his mother and father that
tomorrow in school they were going to learn about sex education.
The next evening at the dinner table Johnnie's mother asked,
"Well Johnnie, what did you learn about sex education today?"
Johnnie said,
"I think the teacher said we should avoid intersections and buy condominiums."

After her face-lift, she was able to keep her chin up.

A woman who was on a perennial diet, starved her husband right along
with herself, till he complained to his pastor that he couldn't get
his wife to serve him a decent meal and he was growing positively
malnourished.
"I can't get her to listen to reason. Maybe you can get somewhere with
her," the hubby complained.
So, the pastor counseled the ever-dieting woman, who at last saw the
error of her ways. "What shall I do to make amends?" she asked her
spiritual counselor.
He told her,
"Just repent and thin no more."

I've been on so many blind dates.
I should get a free dog.

When a mother found out she was pregnant again, she told the good news
to anyone who would listen.
Her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents' conversations, and
one day when they were at the mall shopping, a woman asked the little
boy if he was excited about the new baby.
"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it,
too. It's gonna be called Christina or Quits!"
"Quits??" asked the woman, quizzically.
"Yup," replied the boy. "I heard Mom say 'If it's a girl we're going
to call her Christina, but if it's another boy we're going to call it
quits'!"

Never squat while wearing your spurs.