XX - ADULT PUNS!

Capitalization is the difference between
Helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and
Helping your uncle jack off a horse.

"Say," began Lucille one day over lunch, "didn't you go out with that
guy who played the French horn?"
"Yeah," said Diane, stirring her iced tea.
"You were really looking forward to it, I remember. How'd it go?"
Lucille leaned forward eagerly.
"Actually he was a pretty nice guy," volunteered Diane reluctantly.
"But there was one real problem..."
"Oh, really?"
"Every time he kissed me, he wanted to shove his fist up my ass."

The masochist couldn't answer the phone because he was tied up.

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she
was about to have a heart transplant.
The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the
surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said,
"Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?"
The doctor replied
"Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health, except for
her heart condition. How long has she been in the business? "
The patient's friend replied
"She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to
do with anything? " "Well, " said the doctor, "if she's been working
for 18 years and hasn't rejected an organ yet, I don't think she's
about to start now! "

Love your neighbour,
But don't get caught.

Sandie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten
out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday.
Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into
the world.
Finally, Sandie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies,
"Mama! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to
join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
And we know what that meant.
Their first night there she undresses as he does.
There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties .
He in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks,
"Why the black panties? "
She replies,
"My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down
there I am still in mourning. "
He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario.
She's standing there with the black panties on and he is in his
birthday suit; except that he has an erection, on which he has a black
condom.
She looks at him and asks,
"What's with this? A black condom? "
He replies,
"I'd like to offer my condolences. "

A woman never forgets the men she could have had;
A man, the women he couldn't.