Puns of the Day...

Some folks think I'm in desperate straits
When my pun is so bad that it grates.
The word Euro, you see,
Quite appropriately,
Is the capital of many states.

The church welcomed all denominations but preferred tens and twenties

Fellow employees at the international company where I work know I'm a
notary public and have me certify personal documents.
One day, two Swedish men asked me to witness signatures on an automobile title.
"I'm selling my car to this man," one of them explained. "We came here
because we heard you were notorious."

Headline:
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '09

On the Upper West Side of NYC lived an assimilated Jewish man who was
now a very militant atheist.
But he sent his son, Morris, to Trinity School because, despite its
denominational roots, it's a great school and completely secular.
After a month, the boy came home and said casually,
"By the way Dad, I learned what Trinity means! It means 'The Father,
the Son, and the Holy Ghost.'"
The father could barely control his rage.
He seized his son by the shoulders and declared,
"Morris, I'm going to tell you something now and I want you never to
forget it. Forget the Trinity business. 'There is only one God, and we
don't believe in him!'"

The Sunday school teacher chased her boy friend all over the church
and finally caught him by the organ?

A friend introduced me to a woman and said,
"This is Jacob. He just got into the nursing program."
She looked at me and scoffed,
"A MALE nurse?!"
 Without missing a beat Jacob said,
"I applied to be a female nurse, but I didn't pass the physical."
Everybody but the woman laughed.

On an outing with residents from the long-term care facility where I
serve as chaplain, we passed through the countryside.
The residents were commenting on who had lived in the various homes.
Edna pointed out a farm place that was once home to a boy whom she had dated.
I looked at her and suggested that in her day she likely had to
"Beat the boys off with a stick!"
With a twinkle in her eye, Edna smiled and replied,
"Yes, I did, but I didn't."

The laboratory rat, despite all urging, stubbornly refused to perform
the assigned experiments.
After a while, however, he reconsidered, and wended his maze.

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the
road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car
and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait.
 A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he
turned around and went back.
He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied,
"I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked,
"But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded,
"When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and
flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Barber:
"You seem to be losing a lot of hair. Are you doing anything about it?"
Customer:
"Yes. I'm getting a divorce."