XX - ADULT PUNS!

It was a difficult case for the jurors.
They had to decide whether the owners of the Bottoms Up Club in NYC
were guilty of obscenity.
The Judge decided that it would probably be best if the jury went to
the club and see the allegedly obscene act.
The judge and the jury watched the act once, focusing on the part
where a sexy couple performed the "Dance of Love" with a climactic
scene of lovemaking on a bearskin rug. The jury was unable to decide
definitely whether it was obscene or not.
So, the jury members asked to see the act one more time.
They watched it carefully again.
But they still couldn't reach a decision.
So, this time they asked the understudies to perform the same act one
more time. Fortunately, the police involved in the case were very
understanding.
According to the Detective:
"It is a difficult matter. The police have watched the show 75 times."

Gallop:
Sexual position formally known as "female superior"

Two little boys were engaging in the traditional verbal battle of
little boys everywhere: "My father is better than your father!"
"No, he's not!"
"My brother is better than your brother!"
"No, he's not!"
"My mother is better than your mother!"
A pause.
"Well, I guess you've got me there. My father says the same thing."

Bill and Bob have tended bar together for years.
One day Bill says,
"I love my wife, but sometimes I get bored.
Tell me, have you ever thought of switching?
Who says you have to be with your wife and I have to be with my wife
all the time!"
Bob says,
"Hey, that's a great idea. Let's talk to our wives and see what they think."
Each of them talks to his wife, and much to their delight the wives
agree to the plan.
The next morning Bob says to Bill,
"How was it for you?"
Bill says,
"I had a lot of fun, we should do this again."
"That's what I think," says Bob.
"Let's go next door and see how the girls made out."

A blonde I know won't talk during sex because her mother told her
never to talk to strangers.

A middle-aged friend of ours read Lolita recently.
"I can't understand what all the excitement is about," he told us. "I
didn't find anything in it that could be considered even vaguely
sensational, and neither did my twelve-year-old wife."

Old Seth goes to the doctor to see about erection problems.
"I'll be ridin' the tractor on the south 20," Seth said, "and the warm
sun and the tractor vibratin' gets it up! But by the time I can get
back to the house and maw gets ready, it's down--and I can't get it
back up. Can you give me somethin' to help keep it up?"
The doc says no, he can't.
Age carries its price.
But--perhaps some signal could be arranged and maw would be prepared
as paw arrived at the house?
Maybe maw could even meet him halfway?
"A great idea!" says Seth. "There's a little grove about halfway to
the house from where I'm plowin'. Me and maw used to have sex there
when we were younger! It'd be a great spot. I'll carry my shotgun and
when it's all up and hard, I'll fire it and she'll get there same time
as I do. Thanks doc!"
Time passes.
The doctor meets Seth at the bank one morning and asks how he's doing.
Seth says he's okay.
The doc asks how Seth's wife is, and Seth says,
"Poor maw, she's dead!"
"Sorry to hear that," says the doc. "How did she die?"
"Just run herself to death durin' the quail season," said Seth.

Two Dallas women opened a marina.
They ran the best little oarhouse in Texas.

While inspecting their honeymoon hotel room the bride discovered a
little box attached to the bed.
"What's this for?" she asked her husband.
"If you put a quarter in," he answered, reaching into his pocket, "the
bed starts vibrating."
"Save your money," she said. "When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating!"

A husband and wife were having dinner at a fine restaurant when an
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the
husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says,
"Who was that??!!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."
The wife says,
"That's it; I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a
divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering
in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club.
But... The decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant
with a gorgeous woman on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Oh," says the wife, "Ours is prettier."