Puns of the Day...

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

The other day, I decided to bake a cake and so, with my wife's
permission, I got set to work in the kitchen.
Then, I discovered that we didn't have any butter.,
So, I sent my dog to buy some.
On the way, he passed a book store and, being intrigued by a display
in the window, he went in and came home with a dog-eared book of
poems.
The point of my story is:
Never send a literary dog to the grocery store because he'll get verse
before he gets butter!"

I just saw an ocean liner that was stuck between two wooden docks.
Wow!
Talk about pier pressure.

A young couple had identical twin sons and nearly everyone had a heck
of a time telling them apart.
An aunt asked the mom if she had any problems distinguishing the two lads.
The mother replied,
"No, I can tell them apart by their balls. One bawls all night, the
other bawls all day!"

When you get very old you can always avoid boredom by taking a trip to Egypt.
That's really a senile experience!

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the
mess has been cleared up, an inquiry begins.
One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement.
"OK Simpson," says the investigator, "You were near the scene - what
happened?" "Well, it's like this. Old Charley was in the mixing room,
and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."
"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror,
"How long had he been with the company?"
"About 20 years, sir"
"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the
mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd
have done."
"It was, sir."

"Doctor, my husband thinks he's a satellite dish."
Doctor:
"Don't worry, I can cure him."
Wife:
"I don't want him cured; I want you to tune him to get the movie channel."

"Normal life is getting dressed in clothes that you buy on credit for work.
Driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for, in
order to get to a job that you need so badly, so you can pay for the
clothes, car and the house that you leave empty all day, in order to
afford to live in it."

She was so blonde that when told she would need a travel visa, she
asked if her Master Card was OK!

Hitler had only one testicle.
It's true.
You use facts like that to make class more interesting.
But that's the only thing kids remember from that class.
So, you have a history test and the question is,
"The Causes of World War II" and the kid writes, "Hitler had only one nut."

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers.
One night I was chatting with my mom about how she had changed as a
mother from the first child to the last.
She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years:
"When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance.
When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was
coming out of his allowance."

Sign in a vegetarian restaurant:
"All we are saying is give peas a chance."