Adult jokes

My wife said,

"Honey, go get a dozen condoms, I'm horny."

I said "Great Darlin, I'll be right back."

When I got back, she said,

"Thanks," and walked out the door.

I booked into a hotel and said to the receptionist,

"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she answered, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed.

He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.

The next day, the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy
her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the
pro shop where he usually played golf.

She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her
one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked.

"One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied.

She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.

"But it comes with an inscription," he said.

"What kind of inscription?" she asked.

"Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers
favourites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'"

"OH, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the
argument in the first place!"

Friends are like condoms; they protect you when things get hard.

Last night at the Pub, standing next to me, there was this very fat
acquaintance of mine who confided in me that he had not seen "his
thing" in years.

"Why don't you diet?" I helpfully offered.

He gave me a surprised look and replied,

"Dye it? What difference would the colour make?"

Two kindergarten little girls are talking and one said to the other,
"I found a condom on the patio this morning." The other child said,
"Err... What's a patio?"

The woman who made love with a ghost didn't know she had it in her.

Joan had invited her younger sister, Nancy, to leave her country home
and come to the city for a weekend visit with her and her husband,
John.

And to see how the urban half lived.

She also arranged for a friend of hers named Bill to take Nancy out
for a night on the town.

After a pleasant dinner and a show, Bill and Nancy went to Bill's
apartment for a nightcap.

They talked and listened to soft music for a pleasant interlude; then
Bill suggested they retire to the bedroom for some lovemaking.

"Oh, no," Nancy protested. "I don't think my sister would like it."

"Nonsense," said Bill, as he gently took her arm. "She loves it."