XX - A BIT OF OFFENSIVE HUMOUR

I thought about selling my car in the Auto Trader.
My wife said "Maybe it'd help if I pose on the bonnet like the girls
in Max Power".
The fat bitch left a big dent in it.
Mind you,I did hit her at about 60mph.

Whats the difference between a white fairy and a black fairy tale?
A white fairy tale starts with "Once upon a time",
A black one starts with "Ain't no motherf - - - - r gonna believe this
shit......!"

An american fighter plane was flying over Libya when he noticed a
flying carpet on each side of his plane,
both with a machine gunner on board.
Sensing danger he shot them down.
Back at base he got a right f - - - - - g bollocking.
Apparently they were Allied Carpets!

Just got a job with the Samaritans.
Tried to phone in sick the other day but the f - - - - - s talked me out of it.

I went to the gym yesterday and said to the trainer,"Which machine can
I use to impress that beautiful blonde over there?"
He looked at me and replied "Try the cash machine outside the front
door you fat bastard".

I met a fairy today who granted me ONE wish.
"I want to live forever" I said
"Sorry" said the fairy", I'm not allowed to ok wishes like that".
"Fine" I said "I want to die when Liverpool win the Premier League"
"You cratfy bastard" said the fairy.

Man walks up to a fat girl in a pub and asks...
"Have you got a pen?"
The girl being thrilled to get some attention eagerly says yes and
reaches into her handbag........
Man says "Well don't you think you better get back in it before the
farmer realises you're missing"
(a pen is where pigs are kept)

Catholic girl went into confession and said to the priest "I'M PREGNANT"
He asked "How did this happen my child?"
She said "I think it must be the second coming"
The priest, shocked by this reply asked "What makes you think it was
the second coming?"
She replied "Because I swallowed the first"

I got some toy soldiers for x'mas
I play with them when I'm in bed.
I'm fed up with sargents and corporals
So I play with my privates instead.

I was in bed last night with a blind woman and she said that I had the
biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on!
I said "You are pulling my leg!"

Quentin and Jeremy, two gays, are at the zoo.
When they come to the gorilla enclosure they notice one of the
gorillas has a massive erection.
Jeremy can't resist, he reaches through the bars and fondles the gorilla's tool.
Suddenly the gorilla grabs him,drags him into the cage and screws him
for 6 hours non-stop.
When he's done the gorilla throws Jeremy out of the cage.
An ambulance rushes him to hospital.
Two days later Quentin visits him and asks "Are you hurt?"
"AM I HURT??!!!!!! Jeremy screams.
Wouldn't you be?
He hasn't called, he hasn't text..............."

I saw a dead woman laying in a field last night, so I reported it to the police.
They said "How did you find her body?"
I said "Her tits were okay but her arse was a bit tight"

The Priest is showing his nephew how to wank.
His nephew says "This is great!"
The Priest replies "Wait till you're 13, you'll be able to use your own cock".

A man walks into a pharmacy and says
"Where's the Tampax?"
The assistant replies "Over there mate"
The man returns with cotton wool balls and toilet paper.
"Thought u wanted Tampax" says the assistant.
"Yeah well last week I asked the wife 2 buy me a pack of 20 fags,
but she came back with a pouch of tobacco.
So we will see how she likes rolling her own!"