pakistan press brief - a parody (FYI)

Ministry of Foreign Affairs
Pakistan

-Delayed briefing on the tragic events in Abbottabad
-By the Official Spokesman
-To the Intl Media

"How could we not have known where OBL was?
As you know, there are known knowns and unknown knowns.

We like things to be clarified, which is what we're doing now.
But there are other things that we don't know we know.

These are things buried deep in the rubble of our subconscious, like
the Mossad agents under the debris of the twin towers they brought
down.
So we didn't know that we knew where OBL was.
Or didn't know when we were asked if we knew.

When we said OBL wasn't in Pakistan we weren't lying.

You just don't understand how tough a neighbourhood we live in.
None of our borders is settled.
Afghanistan claims Pakhtunkhwa, the Indians won't give us Kashmir,
we've given up part of the Northern Areas to China.
We just don't know where Pakistan begins and where it ends.
Honestly.

Truth is we didn't know Abbottabad was in Pakistan.
How could we?
Abbottabad?
In a pure Muslim country?
A town that sounds like an abbey?
I ask you.

Of course we thought it didn't belong to us.
Would we have kept calling it Abbottabad if we'd known it was ours?
These old colonial names are like pork.
We don't want to put them in our mouths.

Why did the Pakistan Army have its academy and so many establishments
there then?
You know how our Army is.
It keeps going into places that don't belong to Pakistan.
It's a tradition it started in 1947.
Doesn't mean that because the Pakistan Army's there it's part of Pakistan.

But of course we knew he was there, but we knew him as Abu Abdullah.
If you'd asked us, Do you know where Abu Abdullah is, we'd have told you.
You never did.
We wonder why.

We also thought he was dead.
Earlier, well before the Americans arrived.
Why?
Because over the last five years we've delivered well over 72 virgins
to that house.
So we thought he'd been martyred already.

Now of course you've killed him while he was saying his sehri prayers.
Yes, yes, that's why he didn't have a gun with him.
You know what this means of course.
The US President has holy blood on his hands.
Obama Sin Laden.

Yes,we saw the helicoptors.
So why didn't we shoot them down?
Well you see, like the rest of you, we knew that Will and Kate hadn't
announced where they were going to honeymoon, and we thought this
might be them coming in on the quiet to give the slip to the
paparazzi.
Can't blame us, can you?

Yes,and OF COURSE we picked up the yells of "Geronimo EKIA".
You know it's an Indian name.
Always knew he was an Indian, that bastard.

Thank god our good friends the Americans now know the truth.
We've known it all along."