X MIXED JOKES

Jewish Student
After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old
country for America returns to visit the family. "But--where is your
beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.
"Mama," he replies, "in America, nobody wears a beard."
"But at least you keep the Sabbath?"
"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath."
"But kosher food you still eat?"
"Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher."
The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers
In his ear, "Isaac, tell me--you're still circumcised?"
~~~~~~~~~~
Airline Humor

- "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest
Airlines."
- "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
- "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
- "Last one off the plane must clean it."
- From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately,
none of them are on this flight."
- This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final
approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an
extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and
announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain
in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis
what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
- Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We  ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."
- An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ
airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment.
Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady
walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot
down?"
- After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant
got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your
seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a
screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and
you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
- Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
~~~~~~~~~~
Shipwrecked
A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life.
On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and
begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and
drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and,
using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the
shark-infested sea to a remote island.
Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his
head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing.
She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes
his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to
get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful
and says, "My God, you saved my life!"
He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!
Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island
together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and
they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and
they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.
Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the
matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm
in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can
do?"
He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?"
"Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.
"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.
"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.
"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your
face?" he asks.
"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in
the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few
minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and
says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"
~~~~~~~~~~
Naked on the Golf Course
A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of
the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the
other side of the tee. Being the avid golfer he was, he once again
bared down on the ball and right in the middle of his backswing a guy
in a white coat ran out of the woods and asked him if a naked lady ran
past.
Our golfer said, "Yes, she ran into the woods."
The guy in the white coat said thanks and ran after her. Our golfer
again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another man in a
white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon bucket of sand
and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat come through here
chasing a naked lady. He said, "Yes, they ran that way through the
woods."
The man said thanks and started to run off when the golfer stopped him
and asked, "Hey, what's going on?"
The guy explained, "You see we work at a sanitarium institution nearby
and every now and then that girl gets away and all she wants to do is
get naked and fuck."
The golfer then asked, "Well what's the bucket of sand for?"
The guy in the white coat said, "Oh, that's my handicap. You see, I
caught her last time!"