XX - Adult Jokes.

Hmmmmm!
Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who
are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it."
-- Mark Twain
~~~~~~~~~~
A new supermarket opened near my house and it has an automatic water
Mister that keeps the produce fresh. Just before it turns on, you hear
the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience
the scent of fresh hay.
In the meat department, there's an aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the
air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked
bread and cookies.
For the record, I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
~~~~~~~~~~
A stalwart Vermont farmer bought some land that was still just as it
had been before the Pilgrims landed. He dug up hundreds of stones and
built a fence; cut  down trees to create a clearing; built a house and
a small barn; cleared land for pasture, dug a well and over several
years just generally worked his fingers to the bone in creating a
small, neat, productive farm.
Eventually his pastor came out for a visit and marveled rather
fulsomely, and at great length, at all that, "You and God have done
together."
"He," the farmer said dubiously.  "Ya shoulda seen the place when God
ran it on His own."
~~~~~~~~~~
I went fishing down the lake this morning and as I got there a bloke
fishing had his cooler absolutely CRAMMED full of fish.
I said, "What's the secret mate?"
He said, "Well, every time I pick up my rod I think about my wife."
I said, "Does that help you catch fish?"
He said, "Not really - but it keeps me  from going home for  two weeks."
~~~~~~~~~~
I was sat in the park watching my young son play on the swings when
this gorgeous woman came and sat on the bench beside me. After a
moment, she asked, " Is he yours? He's lovely."
I replied, " Yeah, he is. Thanks." She said, " Where's his mum? "
I looked down to the ground and replied, " There is no mum, I'm
afraid. She died giving birth to him. You know, the last two years
have been the hardest of my life. Nobody ever prepares you for being a
single parent. With no family here, I've had no support network and
I've had to bring him up all by myself. You never know if the things
you do and the
Decisions you make are the right ones but despite everything, he seems
to have turned out all right."
By the time I'd finished, I could feel a tear welling in my eye. She
sat looking at me for a moment before saying, " That breaks my heart
but hearing you say that, makes me feel so attracted to you. "
She took out a pen and a bit of paper, wrote something down and said,
"Here's my number. I'd love to go for a drink with you sometime." And
with that she got up and started to walk away. As I watched this
beautiful woman walk out of the park, I felt my son tugging on my arm,
beckoning me to push him on the swings again.
I looked down and said, " Sorry son, we haven't got time. I need to
get home and kill your mother."
~~~~~~~~~~
"Doctor," a man told his psychotherapist, "My wife uses her vibrator
every evening and for a long time. What should I do?"
"Well," replied the doctor, "Maybe you should be more attentive to her
sexual needs and make love to her more often..." "It's not that,
"interrupted the man, "It's just that the DA*n thing interferes with
the TV remote!"
~~~~~~~~~~
Hmmmm!
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the local football team?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.