Morning Jokes

Billing
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing
their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer,
"What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when
you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
~~~~~~~~~~
A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes
the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy
you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life.
First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office.
My boss, outraged, fires me.
When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen.
The police said that they can do nothing.
I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my
wallet and credit cards there.
The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener.
I leave home, and come to this bar.
And just when I was thinking about putting an end to it all, you show
up and drink my
Poison."
~~~~~~~~~~
Blonde Paint Job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a
handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if
he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said,
"How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might
need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to
her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around
the house?"
The man replied,
"She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it
two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
~~~~~~~~~~
Generous Lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never
received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000,
you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the
community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied,
"First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a
long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual
income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled,
"Um ... No."
The lawyer interrupts,
"or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was
interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's
voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three
children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply,
"I had no Idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again,
"So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"