Morning Jokes

English School

Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university
and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students
there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him
(no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal
and whisky).
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on
that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one
on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English
neighbours?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly,
playing my bagpipes."
~~~~~~~~~~
Collectibles
Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the elegant home of
an older couple. Among other duties, I had to dust their many imported
carvings and petrified collectibles as well as pick up after their
pets.
One day, I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the floor
beside the bookcase. I quickly picked them up and put them back on the
shelf. The next week, the same thing happened.
That afternoon, my employer came into the parlor, her faithful canine
behind her. Looking around, she eyed the bookcase.
"Tippy," she asked the dog, "how do your bones keep getting up there?"
~~~~~~~~~~
What Movies Have Taught Us
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1) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have
large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.
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2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will
not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.
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3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.
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4) Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank
security system or the communication system of an invading alien
civilization.
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5) Every single person in martial arts film has a black belt in karate.
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6) When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
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7) One man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20
men shooting at one man if he is the hero.
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8) During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip
joint at least once.
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9) Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single
people with a low wage.
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10) The entire British population lives in London.
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11) It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts
fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others
dance around you menacingly.
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12) In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the
words to the songs and the steps to the dances.
*
13) When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not
necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best
weapons.
~~~~~~~~~~
Dog names
"Nice dog. What's its name?" I asked my friend's 10-year old son.
"Bob," he said.
"And what's your cat's name?"
"Bob."
"Well, how do you keep them straight?" I asked.
"Well, one is Bob Cat and the other is Bob Barker," the boy answered.
"Go ahead and tell him your rabbit's name," his father suggested.
The kid smiled and said... "Dennis Hopper."