Puns of the Day...

A young family, feeling cramped in their small apartment, went
shopping for a house. The parents looked at houses for a month before
deciding on a two-story house in the country.
While driving to their new home, the mom told the children about the house.
It was a big, two-story house with lots of room.
She told them about the big back yard with a swing-set; the playroom,
big enough for all their toys; and each child would finally have a
room of their own.
On their first night in their new home, the parents got the kids to
bed later than usual, so the mother said they could only read one
story.
The 4-year-old frowned and said,
"No, mommy, this is a two story house!"

Moses is up on Mount Sinai and he says to God,
"God, do I have a pounding headache!"
And God says,
"Here, Moses, take these two tablets."

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny although
measurable distance from the earth every year.
If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the
moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the
earth's surface.
This would explain the death of the dinosaurs -- the tallest of all animals.

Police will arrest a transvestite, and charge him with male fraud.

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing
in the middle of a huge field of grass.
He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the
farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him,
"Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies,
"I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing
in their field."

Flatulence is the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager,
"I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a
tried and trusted employee of yours."
The banker said,
"Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

A bachelor is man who never makes the same mistake once.

When I was an infant, my mother had to also take care of my twin
brothers who have CP [cerebral palsy].
Mom obtained a French girl to be my nanny for my first two years.
Instead of the usual strained baby food, she gave me pureed goose
livers as a steady diet.
To this day, Mom credits the nanny for pâté training me.

Part of Sylvester Stallone's long term success can be attributed to
his Rocky start.