MIXED JOKES

  Read The Label
A three-year-old boy went with his father to see a litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were
two boy kitties and two girl kitties.
"How do you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think
it's printed on the bottom."
~~~~~~~~~~
How to avoid a shark attack:
*
1. Don't swim in the ocean.
Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally
large bodies of water also known as oceans.
The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the
water, which should be salty.
2. Listen out for the music.
In the event that you are foolish enough to swim in an ocean, listen
carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvelous documentary
film Jaws.
All shark attacks are preceded by the "daah-DA, daah-DA" chords, which
will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer.
This is due to the Doppler Effect.
3. Swim with fat people.
Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions.
If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan
lotion with A-1 steak Sauce.
This will definitely improve your odds.
4. Don't go into the water without a knife.
This is not to defend yourself but to stab the person (a.k.a the
decoy) closest to you in the case of a shark attack.
Once you are sure the "decoy" is bleeding profusely.....swim for your
freakin' life.
And finally...
5. Don't panic.
In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm.
This really wont help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will
appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling and
can really spoil a wonderful day out. Remember, it's not always about
you!
~~~~~~~~~~
Robbery!
A young lady, whose aunt was home with the flu, went to the office
where the aunt was employed to collect her paycheck.
On the way home she was robbed.
"Help! Help! I've been robbed!" she cried. "Someone has taken my aunt's pay."
She was heard by a burly policeman who came rushing up and said,
 "Cut out the pig-Latin and tell me what happened."
~~~~~~~~~~
Smoking
Three kids were smoking behind the shed.
"My dad can blow smoke through his nose!" boasted the first.
"Ha, mine can blow smoke through his ears!" countered the second boy.
"That's nothing," piped up the third. "My dad can blow smoke through
his arse. I know, 'cos I've seen the nicotine stains on his undies."