ADULT JOKES

Hmmmmm!
According to research, sex during pregnancy is always safe unless your
wife comes home and catches you.
~~~~~~~~~~
This kid comes home all wet, one shoe off and one shoe on, dripping
water all over the house. "Momma, momma, I fell in the drainage canal
!!!"
"Omigosh! How did you get out?"
"This man was walking nearby, heard me yelling, and jumped in to save me."
The mom rushes out the door, runs to the canal, and finds a gentleman
trying to dry himself off with old newspapers. "Are you the man who
pulled my little boy out of the canal?"
"Yes, ma'am, but it was really nothing."
"Nothing?" she screamed, "what did you do with his other shoe?!?!"
~~~~~~~~~~
Two well-dressed, matronly women entered the business office and
approached an executive. "Sir," said one, "We are soliciting funds for
the welfare and rehabilitation of wayward women. Would you care to
donate?" "Sorry," replied the exec, "but I contribute directly."
~~~~~~~~~~
A young kid's in a shipwreck and he winds up stranded on a tropical
island. For twenty years he never sees another human being. Then, one
day, a beautiful girl with long blond hair, her clothes half-ripped
off, washes up on a piece of driftwood.
He explains to her how he existed for twenty years, digging for clams,
and eating fruits and berries.
She says, "Well, what did you do for love?"
He says, "Love? What's that?"
She says, "I'll show you." She shows him. Then, she shows him again.
Then she shows him one more time. When they're finally done, she says,
"Well, how do you like love?"
He says, "It's great. But look what you did to my clam digger."
~~~~~~~~~~
Ol' Jack gets thrown out of the pub at closing time and staggers down
the road in the general direction of home. Knowing that he's not going
to make it he goes into the woods to throw a hughie (vomit).
He leans against a tree and brings up the last four hours of alcohol
and then stands upright to wipe his mouth and beard. Looking down
blearily he notices an old lamp sticking out of the dirt, fortunately
untouched by his offering to hughie.
"Hey, some fool ha' thrown away a gud lamp here," says Jack and he
bends down to pick it up. He examines the lamp and brushes off some of
the dirt and grit.
There's a flash of light, plumes of smoke and a genie pops out of the
lamp. This thing is eight feet tall and twice as wide; wearing a
yellow saffron loin cloth and those weird slippers with the upturned
toes.
"Master," the genie booms. "You have freed me from imprisonment in the
lamp. I shall grant you three wishes!"
Jack looks up at the genie and says, "Well, just f*ck me!"
History does not relate what his next two wishes were.
~~~~~~~~~~
A young gay man is confronted by some of his friends, and told that he
may be drinking a bit too much and it seems like it may be getting in
the way of his work and effecting some of his relationships. His
friends are concerned that he may need to seek help. He took their
feelings to heart and joined AA.
At the end of a year of dedication he is clean and sober and gets his
"pin" showing his progress of one year being clean and sober.
He then thinks, he has wanted to stop smoking for awhile, could he use
the same principles he used in AA to stop smoking? He sets himself on
the path and does so.
By the second year when he gets his pin from AA, he is tobacco-free,
and has a small dinner party to celebrate the fact. When he gets
together with his friends, they are amazed at what good health he is
in, and amazed that he is not only alcohol-free but also tobacco-free.
They applaud his dedication.
About a year later, he has another dinner party and announces to all
his friends that he is "no longer gay." His straight friends -- as
well as his gay friends -- are totally amazed at this. No one believes
he has managed to change so much in his life!
"Did you do the same things you did to stop drinking and smoking?" many asked.
"Was it just a choice of lifestyle change?" others asked.
"Was it some type of religious revelation?" was even asked.
"No, nothing so drastic," he replied. "It's just when I quit smoking,
I found everything tasted different."
~~~~~~~~~~
Hmmmmm!
The funny thing about miracles is that they never happen the way you plan them.