XX - Adult Puns!

A Texan, fresh from the ranch, was invited to a Hollywood party.
Madonna spied him and started flirting with him.
"Tell me cowboy, is there 'anything' you'd really like."
"Well," he replied, "I sure could use a piece of ass."
Madonna nodded and took him into a bedroom.
She removed her clothes and his clothes, then engaged in a hot session
of mad passionate lovemaking with him.
After they were done, she again asked suggestively,
"Now, handsome, is there anything *else* I can do for you?"
"Well, ma'am," he replied in his Texan drawl, "I could still use that
piece of ass for my drink."

The Scottish farmer thought he'd caught a nasty STD.
But it turns out he was just allergic to wool.

The blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh.
Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo, and in that location.
She responds,
"It's really cool. If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean."

One guy is very upset and yells at his friend,
"You slept with my wife, you son of a bitch. I am gonna make you pay
for what you did." "Bullshit," replies the other one, "why should I
pay twice."

Lorraine was driving through a town in Montana and stopped Johnny to
ask where she could find a taxidermist.
Johnny said he did not know what the word meant.
She explained that a taxidermist is a man who mounts animals.
Johnny said,
"Oh hell, we have got plenty of them around here, only we call them
sheepherders!"

A woman walked up to the bar and ordered a Guinness.
As soon as she had taken her first sip of the heavenly nectar, she was
distressed to see a drunken, unkempt man sit down next to her.
"Shay, honey-baby... I'd really like t'get into those pants o'yours."
Looking nonchalantly over her shoulder at him, she replied,
"Thanks, but I've already got an asshole in there."

The doctor was lecturing a class on sex.
He asked,
"Do you know what the first oral contraceptive was?"
A coed said,
"No."
The doctor replied,
"Exactly!"