XX - Adult Puns!

Some are direct and risque...dont read if you are a prude..

Single story houses of ill repute are more profitable than those with
two stories because there is less overhead.

Mother was in the kitchen making supper for her family when her
youngest daughter walked in...
"Mother, where do babies come from?" asked the moppet.
"Well dear... A mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One
night they go into their room... They kiss, hug and have sex," said
the mother.
The daughter looked puzzled.
The mother then explained,
"That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how
you get a baby, honey."
"Oh, I see," said the child, "but the other night when I came into you
and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get
when you do that?"
"Jewelry, dear," replied the mother.

An American was waiting on a London street corner.
An attractive English girl was passing by when a gust of wind blew her
dress above her waist.
"A bit airy, isn''t it?" remarked the American.
Hearing this, the Cockney girl replied indignantly,
''ll yes! What did you expect - feathers?"

The worst thing you can say to a man who complains that his wife is frigid is,
"No, she isn't"

A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work among the bright
lights of London. She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a
taxi wearing a full-length mink coat.
"Tis a lovely soft coat yur wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where
did ye get that?" Colleen replies,
"Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London."
When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but
she's back to visit her mom a few months later.
This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful
gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.
Same exchange with Mom.
Same, "Won it at bingo!"
Then, Colleen returns to the bright lights again.
A few months later, she's back again.
And this time she's sporting a beautiful emerald diamond necklace with
matching bracelet and earrings.
She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo.
Then, she asks her Mom to run her a bath as she need to freshen up.
Her Mom draws the bath while Colleen gets undressed in her bedroom,
but when she gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot
water in the bathtub.
Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water
after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs,
"Mom! Sure now didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a
quarter inch of water in the tub!"
"Indeed there is, me darlin" replies her Mom." "But we don't want ye
gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?"

If you drink don't park,
Accidents cause people.

The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar, alone, when the
lounge lizard made his move.
"I'm here," he breathed huskily, "to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
The woman turned and looked at him.
Her lips parted and she moistened them with the tip of her tongue.
She leaned toward him with her hands on her thighs, and her eyes
opened to the size of dinner plates.
She paused just a second and then delivered the crusher line,
"You've got a large donkey or Doberman?"
The guy turned as green as his golf slacks and slipped away without a word.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception.
I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said "No."

The handsome construction worker considered himself quite, the stud,
and indeed had no trouble persuading a good-looking recent
acquaintance to come back to his apartment. After making love to her,
he rolled over and lit a cigarette.
His self-satisfied smile vanished, however, when the woman hopped out
of bed and snapped,
"You may look like Mel Gibson, but you're lousy in the sack."
The indignant fellow snapped,
"I don't see what makes you such an expert after only forty-five seconds !"

One of my wife's friends is a lesbian.
One day we got to talking and I asked her did she ever wonder what it
would be like to have children.
She said it was the one thing she regretted about her sexual
orientation, that she might never be a mother.
She's a stunning looking lady, and I said slyly that if she ever
wanted to be impregnated I'd be happy to help out, purely
altruistically, of course.
She shot me a mega-death stare, and told me with a curling lip that if
she ever decided to reproduce, it would be by artificial insemination.
"No problem," I replied, "If you want artificial, I'll tell you I love you."