XX - Adult Puns!

I have never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women
differ so much.
I have never figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.
And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets
thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words,
"I do."
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says,
"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said,
"WHAT??"
So, she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads.
She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.
I'm thinking,
"What was her first clue?"
I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night.
So, I went to bed.
The very next day, we went shopping at a big unnamed department store.
I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take.
So, I told her to take all three of them.
She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200.00 each to
which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. Where she gets a
set of matching earrings.
Let me tell you, she was so excited.
She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I
don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a
tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have
seen her face when she said,
"I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out,
"No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."
You should have seen her face... It went completely blank.
I then said,
"Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
"You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."
I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring
thaw in 2035.

"Did you hear that Linda got a great new job?"
"Really? I wish I could do that. I'd like a change for the better."
"Well, you can always do what she did."
"What's that?"
"Don't wear panties to the interview."

A New York Judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple.
When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete the
woman thanks the Judge and says,
"Now I have to arrange for a Get."
The Judge inquires what she means by a Get.
So, the woman explains that a Get is a religious ceremony required
under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by
the Jewish faith.
The Judge says,
"You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?"
She replies, "
Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire prick."

A woman bought herself a slinky nightgown.
Her boyfriend tried to talk her out of it.

Maurice comes home one day to find his wife Hannah, an English
teacher, in bed with his best friend.
"Darling," Maurice cries, "how could you? After all the years we've
been together, I come home from work to find you like this. I am
surprised."
"No, no, my dear," says Hannah, "you are amazed. I am surprised."

A man sued his ex-wife for $1,000,000 for allegedly causing him to
become impotent.
He lost the case because the evidence did not stand up in court.

I'm in my back yard trying to fly a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, Karen, the wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opened the window and yelled to me, '
You need more tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and said,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she need
to file her taxes. The accountant says:
"Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions.
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks,
"What is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant balks and says,
"No, No, No, that won't work. That is too gross. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says,
"OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman says,
"I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks,
"What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore call girl?'
"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."
"Good enough."