Puns of the Day...

I've lost a lot of sleep over the past few nights as my neighbour's
dog has been barking, howling and whining way into the late hours.
I finally confronted him about his mutt's unusual behaviour and he
said has developed a medical condition and there isn't much that can
be done about it.
Seems he's become quite edgy and easily agitated.
I think they call it "Irritable Bow-Wow Syndrome."
Blessed are the flexible,
For they can tie themselves into knots.

My cousin is in a bad spot.
He's got a bad inner ear problem that needs surgery soon, or he'll
lose his hearing on that side.
He has no insurance, though, and the cost is way too much for him.
He does have a way out, though.
A local elderly widow has offered to pay for the operation, but only
if he'll marry her, afterwards!
She's 50 years older than him!
You could call it a wife or deaf situation.

I thought it would be nice to get a job at a duty-free shop,
But it doesn't sound like there's a whole heck of a lot to do.

Ok,
So see,
Like this one time there was this guy at a philosophy convention in
19th century Germany, and he was giving the keynote speech, and during
the course of discourse, of course, this coarse guy kept shouting:
"The real is the rational and the rational is the real!" and the
speaker' d continue for a few minutes, but this guy' d interrupt him
again yelling:
"The real is the rational and the rational is the real!" and so they
went on this way, back and forth,
The poor speaker just trying to finish his speech, and the other guy
interrupting:
"The real is the rational and the rational is the real!"
Finally, the speaker throws his notes to the floor and looks at the
guy in the audience and says:
"God damn it, will you quit Hegel-ing me!"

"Maybe we could leave our initials with an arrow through them on this
tree trunk ," suggested Tom heartily .

There was a rascal who managed to get engaged to two women at the same time:
One named Edith, in California, and the other named Kate, in Texas.
Unfortunately for the rascal, the two girls met at a beauty contest,
discovered the truth, and confronted him with the following
admonition:
"You can't have your Kate and Edith, too."

A friend of mine tried to build a gear-box for his car using nothing
but dried grass.
It was never going to work;
I think he was clutching at straws.

I was driving along this country road when I saw this field with all
kinds of cars, trucks, and other assorted metal objects in the centre
of it.
As I got closer, my car suddenly accelerated and tore off across the
field slamming into all the junk.
As I was extricating myself from what used to be my car, this old
farmer rolls up on a horse drawn buggy.
After he helped me out, I asked him what the heck would make my car do
that, and what is with all this metal junk in the middle of his field.
"Well, son," he replied, "you see, this is a magnetic field."

Don't believe what you hear about fleas and ticks --
it's all lice.

Remember the Rap singer Vanilla Ice?
Seems that in a bid for immortality, he donated a tissue sample to an
experimental laboratory for cloning research.
Unfortunately, the sample was accidentally combined with another
tissue sample belonging to Kareem Abdul Jabar.
The result was a Vanilla Ice Kareem Clone.

Before King Arthur appointed a knight to give acupuncture treatments at Camelot,
Sir Lancelot knew he was stuck with the job.

Two blonde gals went together to play the slot machines at the casino.
Each agreed that when her allotted money was gone, she would go to the
front of the casino and sit on the bench to wait for the other.
Trixie quickly lost all her money and went to sit on the bench.
She waited and waited.
After what seemed an eternity, she finally saw Patty coming toward
her, carrying this huge sack of coins.
"Hey, Trixie," said Patty, "How'd you do?"
"Not very good," came the reply. "I've been waiting here for hours."
Patty said,
"You should have been with me. Did I ever find a good machine! It's
way in the back. Come! I'll show it to you. You can't lose! Ever time
you put a dollar in, you win four quarters!"