XX Adult Puns!

Gesundheit:
What the guy said about how he fit into the virgin.
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain.
Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette,
and continues smoking.
Arlene asks,
"What is that?"
Jane answers, "A condom. This way mycigarette doesn't get wet."
"Where did you get them?"
"You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks
what brand of condom she prefers.
She answers,
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.

The sex craved mountaineer needed a little extra energy boost to reach the peak,
So, he relied on his climb-axe.
I pulled into a town I couldn't believe still existed in 2010.
A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said:
"General Store," and that was it.
There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair.
I said to him,
"What do you folks do around here?"
He said,
"We don't do nothin' but hunt n' Screw." I said,
"What do you hunt?"
He said,
"Somethin' to Screw."

Maury went to confession, at the beginning of Lent..
"Bless me Father for I have sinned. It has been 3 months since my last
confession. In that time I have disobeyed my parents nine times,
missed Sunday Mass once, had impure thoughts, oh, about nine hundred
times, and played with a girl's private parts."
"Played with a girl's private parts!" exclaimed the priest. "Whoa,
that's pretty serious. For your penance say three rosaries and wash
your hands in holy water."
So, Maury knelt down and fudged his way through the laborious
incantations of the three rosaries, then he made the trek up to the
holy water font and started to wash his dirty little fingers, when the
girl who was behind him in the confessional line walks up and says,
"Move over, pal. I gotta gargle."

A nurse covered in a white bedsheet surreptitiously glided up to a
Bill's friend Harry's bed. She hovered over Harry and then Screamed
"BOOOOO!"
The nurse then took off the sheet.
Harry was very upset and said,
"You scared the hell out of me! Look, I shit all over myself.! Why did
you do that for???" The nurse replied,
"The Doctor said you needed an enema, but your HMO refused to pay for it, so..."

The blonde's father told her,
"If your not in bed by 11 come home."

There was a convention of meat packing workers in New York a while
back and one of the men there met up with a girl the first part of the
week.
They saw each other many times during the week and he told her if she
ever came to Chicago to be sure and look him up.
It so happened that in about three months she was in Chicago and went
to Swift & Co. To look for Mr. Gartell.
When asking at the personnel office for him, she was told that they
had five men with that name, and did she know his first name.
She said no.
So, the personnel man said maybe he could help her anyway.
"Was he tall or short?"
"He was tall."
"Well, that lets out two of these men. Was he fat or slim?"
"He was slim."
"Well, that lets out one more man. Now, did he wear glasses?"
"He did not have glasses."
"Oh, that must be our Mr. Gartell, the pheasant plucker."
"Oh, yes, that's him, and he dances well too."

Living with Bob is like playing checkers.
Every time I make a move,
He jumps.